A PIB NETWORK EXCLUSIVE

AN INTERVIEW WITH CRIS CAMPBELL

Known to his supporters as MR. PIB

Conducted by Trucker Harlson

TRUCKER: The American people are tired. Tired of being lied to. Tired of drug prices that don't make sense. Tired of unfair trade prices of pharmaceuticals  Cris Campbell wants to change that. ...But does he really?

MR. PIB: I do, Trucker. I absolutely do. When American made drugs are cheaper in Canada or other countries, nobody respects them. You want people to cherish their medication. Price is value. That's just economics.

TRUCKER: People call you Mr. PIB. Strangers. People you've never met. Possibly real people. They say the slogan resonates. ...But does it really?

MR. PIB: It does, Trucker. I didn't ask for the name. It came from the people. Ordinary Americans who heard "if we can't afford it, PUT IT BACK" and thought — that man needs a shorter name for his hat. My Director of Prescient Research and Park Bench Napping recommended the foil. I just provided the slogan.

TRUCKER: Speaking of which — you are wearing a foil hat. Your Director of Prescient Research and Park Bench Napping has reportedly suggested it prevents government mind control. ...But does it really?

MR. PIB: Nastradamus is the finest minds-in-the-plural I have ever encountered on a park bench, Trucker. He has predicted seventeen events, eleven of which occurred, four of which occurred somewhere, and two of which we're still waiting on. He tested the foil hat personally and not been mind controlled since. I consider that a peer review.

TRUCKER: Some say the pipeline running through fourteen protected watersheds is an environmental disaster waiting to happen. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: I was given a very generous consulting arrangement by the pipeline folks — I want to be transparent about that — and what I can tell you is, those pipes are beautiful. Just gorgeous pipes. And I toured part of it. Well, I was driven past it. It was dark. But my check cleared and that tells me everything I need to know about their integrity as an organization.

TRUCKER: Microplastics. Scientists tell us they're in our blood, our lungs, our reproductive systems. They say it's a crisis. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: It is, Trucker, and I'm the only candidate addressing it. Which is why my administration will mandate metal straws nationwide. I have a modest position in metal straw futures — full disclosure — but that has nothing to do with the science. The science is clear. Plastic straws are destroying your backside and I will not stand for it.

TRUCKER: Critics claim that using soybeans and corn as geopolitical leverage is somehow controversial. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: Not at all. You want a trade deal? Great. Here's the deal.  You have cheap labor and preciousresources.  We have food.   If you dont wantbto starve you need to meet our terms. Agriculture is the new military. I said what I said.

TRUCKER: Big oil. Some call it the enemy of the planet. Some call it the lifeblood of American freedom. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: Both. It's both, Trucker. And that's why I support it completely. You can't fix something you've abandoned. You have to get inside it. I have gotten very inside big oil. They know my name at several refineries.

TRUCKER: And yet — and yet — you call yourself a fiscal conservative. Some would say that's a contradiction. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: It is not, Trucker. And I want every American watching right now to hear this clearly.

Congress spends money we do not have. On things we do not need. Approved by people who will not be held accountable. And I have one message for every single one of them.

If. We. Cannot. Afford. It.

PUT IT BACK.

Now. About Denmark.

TRUCKER: You are running for World Leader. An office that does not exist. That has not been created, adopted, ratified, or endorsed by any nation on Earth, let alone all of them. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: That is correct on all counts, Trucker, and I think that's actually my strongest qualification. Every other candidate is running for something that exists. That's just crowded. I identified an opening at the very top of an org chart nobody has drawn yet and I put my name on it. First mover advantage. That's just business.

TRUCKER: No country has endorsed you. ...But have they really?

MR. PIB: Not formally. But Denmark hasn't said no yet. And I consider silence consent. That's actually a cornerstone of my foreign policy.

TRUCKER: Now. Mr. Campbell. You've hinted at something. A proposal. Something big. Something that the Washington establishment doesn't want the American people to hear. ...But do they really?

MR. PIB: They do not, Trucker. Which is why I'm announcing it here, exclusively, on your program, which I understand is very popular in certain zip codes.

I am proposing that the United States trade Hawaii to Denmark in exchange for Greenland.

Now — before you react — the deal is sweetened. We are offering Denmark a significant equity stake in metal straw manufacturing, which as I mentioned I have a position in, and additionally, Elon — and I won't say which Elon — has committed asteroid mining rights as a good faith gesture. We're talking space rocks, Trucker. Mineral-rich space rocks. Denmark has never been offered space rocks before. Nobody has. This is historic.

TRUCKER: Hawaii is a U.S. state. Trading it would be unconstitutional, logistically impossible, and arguably an act of treason against fifty percent of the people who vacation there. ...But is it really?

MR. PIB: That's a great question and I think you already know the answer.

TRUCKER: I think I do.

MR. PIB: Denmark's going to love it.

TRUCKER: Cris Campbell, everybody. Unelected. Unbought.

MR. PIB: Mostly unbought.

TRUCKER: Mostly unbought. We'll be right back.

Fireside Chat: Violence Against Public Officials

Attacking a public official simply because you don't like Bob's policy is absolutely unacceptable in this country. America has a long, long history of play along to get along, from the War of Independence to the Civil War to our current day misunderstandings in about 75% of the world. It's our ability to talk things out and gently share the world from our own individual perspective that makes us a working institution of compromise that we like to think is admired the world over. Admired by millions of people from foreign lands of different colors, beliefs and fiscal value. Millions and millions of people we guard our borders against on a 24/7 basis.

And for basic unidentified thugs to attack Blackout Bob in his own office and burn it to the ground is a criminal act I will use all the power in my office to find and punish to the full extent of the law. All we can tell from the grainy security camera was it looks like two Black or possibly illegal Hispanics were on the scene. I am in constant touch with the FBI to try to identify these thugs.

Blackout Bob has done a great service to his country. I'm told he was about to release a health alert on the importance of not trimming nose hair. Bob says all mammals have fur to keep them warm. If you are growing hair out of your nose, it's nature's way of keeping your nostril safe and warm. I'm telling you, the man is a genius. Our thoughts and prayers are with him as he tries to recover and eventually sober up.

After this unfortunate incident we are without a main office for the Department of Public Health. I am proposing a $300,000,000 fundraising campaign to replace the old building that was burned to the ground. I have bipartisan support on this issue and we will start out with an informal $400 a plate chili fest catered by my favorite restaurant, Hammurabi's Code 5 Chili! Please join us on April 1st and bring the whole family. I understand the caterers are offering free pony rides for the kids! It sounds like something even old Blackout would want to attend, if he wasn't laid up in a hospital with 14 broken bones and connected to a Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine IV.

...AND IT CAME TO PASS

 

Faux News – Breaking News

“News flash: Authorities report two unidentified goons stormed the Put It Back Alley Cabinet headquarters late last night—wrecking property, harassing the homeless, and assaulting PIB Director of Public Health, Blackout Bob.”

“Bob’s condition remains unclear. Sources say he will require significant sobering up before he can be expected to feel anything.”

“The attackers also burned Bob’s Red Cross cardboard box—believed to be both his office and bedroom—to ashes.”

“Security footage captured a grainy image of the suspects: two well-dressed men in expensive suits behaving extremely unprofessionally.”

“Authorities urge anyone with information to contact the FBI’s anti-terror division.”

A NEW PROPHECY EMERGES

 

Blackout Bob's Hero Arch Epilog

 The hero enjoys a hero's celebration 

But did they celebrate too soon??p

Muscle memory panic grips the hero  and his cohorts 

And in a fit of rage the butcher grabs the first thing he can trow as a projectile 

And this heroic tale concludes

Blackout Bob's Hero Arch Chapter Four

 

Discovering the secret ingredient to Hammurabis Code 5 Chili is horse meat from a wood chipper,  Our hero realizes he needs an exit strategy!

Quick thinkimg leads to a brilliant plan!  Public urination is always a good idea in Blackout Bob's world.

....and it works like a charm!

But the real challenge is to protect the public from the evil Hammurabis Code 5 Chili.  And Bob knows exactly what to do!

And this is jow Blackput Bob, the Director of Public Health. Who was appointed by an unelected candidate for an office that doesn’t exist, became a Hero!

Blackout Bobs Hero Arch Chapter 3