Nawlins!!!

 

My friends, during my very important diplomatic outreach mission to Mardi Gras, I made the bold decision to take the official campaign bus straight down to Bourbon Street. Some weak people asked, “Sir, is that an appropriate use of campaign funds?”

 

I said, “It’s called CULTURAL ENGAGEMENT.”

 

You cannot understand America unless you understand New Orleans. And I understand it now. Deeply.

 

Gumbo was consumed. Tremendous gumbo.

 

Jambalaya was handled with strength.

 

And Café Du Monde? That was not a stop — that was an emergency economic briefing.

 

If the FAKE NEWS releases photographs showing white powder all over my suit, my tie, my distinguished face — that is powdered sugar. From beignets. Beautiful, liberty-dusted beignets.

They are good people in Nawlins. Passionate people. They handed me beads. Many beads. Some say too many beads. I say there is no such thing as too much grassroots support.

 

Yes, the campaign card may have briefly encountered seafood towers, balcony access fees, and something called a “Category Five Hurricane.” But that, my friends, is what we call INVESTING IN THE SOUTHERN STRATEGIC VOTER BASE.

Leadership requires sacrifice.

Sometimes that sacrifice is your white shirt.

 

And to ensure total transparency, I have officially formed the Beignet Oversight & Powder Accountability Committee — a bipartisan task force dedicated to investigating exactly how that powdered sugar reached my pockets, my briefcase, and several line items in the travel budget.

They love me down there. Absolutely love me.

 

And the receipts?

Festive. Patriotic. Under review.

AMERICA DONT SUCK!

 

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Put It Back Alley Office of Public Health

“Mobile Operations Division – East Dumpster Corridor”

SECRETARY BLACKOUT BOB ANNOUNCES NATIONAL ANTI-SUCKING INITIATIVE TO COMBAT MICROPLASTIC CRISIS

Put It Back Alley — The Put It Back Alley Cabinet Secretary of Health, the Honorable (Self-Certified) Dr. “Blackout Bob,” today unveiled a bold national strategy to address what he describes as “the silent chewing catastrophe destroying the American prostate.”

Citing a “recent study” he keeps in a weatherproof sandwich bag, Secretary Bob announced that tumors discovered in prostate patients have shown traces of microplastics.

“This didn’t come from nowhere,” Dr. Bob stated while standing beside his Cardboard Health Command Center, clearly marked with a red medical cross. “Americans consume over half a billion plastic straws every single day. That’s not a beverage accessory — that’s a pipeline.”

The Secretary emphasized that straw usage does not end when the beverage does.

“I see it constantly,” Dr. Bob continued. “Citizens chewing on straws long after the drink is gone. Just standing there. Chewing. Thinking. Planning. Microplastics entering the bloodstream one gnaw at a time.”

The problem, according to the Secretary, extends beyond straws.

“Ink pens,” he warned. “Boardrooms. Classrooms. Courtrooms. Professionals and students alike chewing on plastic tubes as if wisdom leaks out of the ink chamber. It does not.”

To address this crisis, the Office of Public Health is launching a nationwide education initiative titled:

AMERICA, DON’T SUCK

The campaign urges Americans to:

Immediately reduce voluntary straw suction.

Cease recreational pen chewing.

Consider direct-consumption methods when utilizing brown paper beverage containment systems.

“Until this nation retools the steel industry to produce metal drinking tubes strong enough to withstand patriotic suction,” Dr. Bob concluded, “it is in the national interest to simply stop sucking on straws altogether.”

The Secretary reaffirmed his commitment to public health reform before returning to strategic planning operations behind the alley recycling container.

Additional guidance pamphlets are available upon request, weather permitting.

Buy Erectilfluff

 “My friends… recently I learned a new term. Not necessarily a polite term. Not even a respectful term. But it’s a term women use when they see a strong, confident, distinguished older man and they feel… admiration.

The term is DILF.

Do you know DILF? Of course you do. Tremendous term. Very popular.”

“Unfortunately, many American men — good men, hardworking men, patriots — will never feel like a DILF because of a terrible condition known as… Erectile Dysfunction.

Sad. Very sad.

And I find that unacceptable for my American people. I love my American people. I love them so much that I created a company. A serious company. A very official company.

It’s called DOTUS.

And yes… the D stands for DILF.”

DILFs Of The United States

“I assembled a crack team of Scientists — top people — and we developed a formula using mostly organic herbal ingredients:

Cayenne pepper — for firey circulation.

Raw oysters — Neptune’s blessing.

Minoxidil — if it grows hair, imagine what else it grows.

And just a touch — a small, patriotic touch — of nitroglycerin.”

“And we created what the world has been waiting for.

A life-changing topical spray for those who have trouble rising to the occasion.

Not me, of course.

I am as solid as the rock at Mount Rushmore. In fact, I’ve heard — I didn’t ask — they’re considering carving my likeness. Very humbling. Not sure if they’ll add a new face or simply upgrade one of the lame ones.”

“Our new product is called Erectilfluff™.

And I am confident — very confident — you will love it as much as I do.

For just $39.99 on Amazon, you too can stand tall and fly the flag of a proud American.”

“Stand tall for freedom.”

 FAKE NEWS IS AT IT AGAIN!!!

Now they’re saying my USA OLYMPIC HOCKEY / CURLING / WRESTLING PHOTOS are “AI FABRICATED.”

AI???

I AM THE AI. ATHLETIC ICON.

They claim:

I was not openly accepted by the teams

The photos were “digitally generated”

The winter Olympics were NOT EVEN HELD IN CANADA

NOT HELD IN CANADA???

That’s where they KEEP THE SNOW. It’s literally Snow Headquarters. Look at a map.

This is a disgusting attack on my campaign because they are TERRIFIED of my multi-sport dominance.

Hockey — Natural.

Curling — Strategic Mastermind.

Wrestling — Graceful Under Pressure.

They can’t beat me on the ice so they attack the pixels.

Sad.

The American people know the truth. The Canadian people know the truth. Even the moose know the truth.

PUT IT BACK.

CRIS

Future World Leader

Very Real. Extremely Real. Probably the Realest.

MASSIVE PIB RALLY HUGE SUCCESS

 I hear the good people of Vermont held a rally for me to be the new World Leader. I hear it might be the biggest campaign rally in the history of that Great State of Vermont. Lots of tax revenue there. My kind of people. Vote conservative and let's tell Congress to Put It Back!!

Breaking News

 

BREAKING: The Alley Advisory Cabinet has issued its first official policy statement on government spending, personal finance, and ordering appetizers you can’t afford.

After hours of intense discussion around a federally unregulated trash can fire, the cabinet reached unanimous agreement on a simple economic principle:

“If we can’t afford it… PUT IT BACK.”

Chief Investment Wino attempted to clarify further, stating:“Jamie’s ain’t got no money for that. Put it back.”The motion passed immediately and with great enthusiasm.

The Secretary of Preventive Medicine added that this rule also applies to:• Late-night online shopping• Extended warranties on things that already broke• And any meal that requires a payment plan

The Director of Dumpster-Based Economics summarized the strategy best:“Spend less than you panic about.”

America deserves clear leadership, honest budgeting, and slightly singed financial wisdom.

The Alley Cabinet stands ready to serve.

Official Slogan:IF WE CAN’T AFFORD IT… PUT IT BACK.

Fixing the Canadian Disaster

 After spending tremendous time — record-breaking time — with the USA Olympic team (they said I was the most athletic delegate they’ve ever seen), I decided it was time to fix Canada.

Nobody talks about this, but I will.

They buy the same American prescription drugs we do. Same companies. Same pills. Same everything.

But they pay one-third the price.

One-third!

Frankly, it’s disrespectful.

It makes America look like we don’t know how to negotiate, and I know negotiating. I wrote a book about it. Probably several.

So I went north. Very brave. Very cold.

I told their leadership — whoever is in charge of the igloos right now — that we demand fairness. If Americans are paying premium, luxury, gold-plated pharmaceutical prices, then Canada needs to step up and do the same.

Level playing field.

Huge profits for everyone.

Very fair. Very equal.

I delivered this message with incredible diplomacy. Some people said it was the best diplomacy ever delivered in snow.

Unfortunately, things took a turn when I suggested they stop hugging sled dogs and bathing in maple syrup long enough to talk numbers.

Next thing I know, I’m participating in what they call a “traditional northern farewell.”

Maple syrup. Very sticky.

Premium Canadian goose down. Very fluffy. 

Transported out of the country on a hockey stick.Very humiliating. 

Many people are saying it was unfair.

But I will say this: no one does polite exile better than Canada.

We’ll be back.

Stronger. Stickier. More tremendous.