Health incident

 

A New Deal

 

World Leader Candidate Policy Address

People keep asking me about foreign policy. They have to because the past several administrations have just done an abysmal job. They know I can make it right and they know the most important part of international relationships is fair trade. If we are known as fair, the world will want to trade with us because everybody wins. That's what we are told people want is a fair shake which creates a win/win for all involved.

So under the threat of economic sanctions and potential embargo and or increased tariffs, I think we can achieve a fair deal.

My plan is simple. Denmark has an island in the North Atlantic that is full of natural resources they are unable to exploit. A land of immense strategic importance for the future of the world, and especially the white people countries like the Danes, Swedes and most of Europe. But this island has very few people that live there and basically no tax base for the Motherland. Plus it's cold and snowy and Denmark really doesn't need anymore of that kind of weather.

On the other hand WE have an island, actually a whole group of Islands where the weather is warm and the girls wear coconut bras and grass skirts and greet every visitor with a kiss. Islands full of beautiful tax paying people who draw in millions of dollars in tourism every year. Other than an established taxable income and warm weather they have very little in Natural Resources to exploit, so I'm offering an even swap. Hawaii for Greenland.

Let's face it, Denmark. You don't have the budget or capacity to defend Greenland if the Rooskies or Chinese came looking for a fight. But we Americans LOVE bombing other countries into submission and taking the resources for ourselves. So I propose this trade and we, the United States, will defend the North to protect the white World... I mean whole WIDE world. And just to take the burden off of you, we will keep our military bases in Hawaii to protect the South Pacific at no additional cost.   

Think of it as trading the old beat up place you really never wanted and getting a beautiful summer home in the clear blue waters of Hawaii. You know, Oprah lives there. So you have celebrity endorsements for the deal that is a total win/win for everybody. You are probably getting the better deal, because let's face it, Greenland has really let herself go and will need a lot of work to make it great again. But I am willing to take the loss here and be the bigger man. I was talking to my friend Elon, who recently brought me into his mining company, and he was saying mining for gold and precious minerals is really hard and expensive and will take a considerable investment. But with frugal expenditures and a sustained effort we think we can make it work. So all that;s left is; Let's make this happen, Denmark!!

Faux New Interview

 

Host (Faux News):

“Joining us now, world leader candidate Cris Campbell. Mr. Campbell, critics say corporate wage theft and predatory CEOs are destroying companies built by American founders.”

Campbell:

“Terrible situation. CEOs making fifty million dollars while workers can’t find the time clock. I inherited millions myself, so believe me, I understand business. 

By the way, my name is Cris Campbell, but my supporters call me Mr. PIB—Put It Back. If we can’t afford it… put it back.”

Host:

“So what’s your solution?”

Campbell:

“Workers get forty percent of the board seats. Selected the American way… annual company tournament. Beer pong and lawn darts.”

Host:

“That sounds chaotic.”

Campbell:

“Exactly. I’m a fiscal conservative. Government needs equal parts order and chaos.”

Host:

“You mean your philosophy comes from a children’s book?”

Campbell:

“Yes. The Cat in the Hat. Millions of adults read it every day—to children! The story appeals to kids, but the real lesson is for adults. Your average two- or three-year-old can’t grasp the depth. I could—but not all children are exceptional.”

Host:

“And how do you make sure frat boys and tailgate experts don’t dominate the board?”

Campbell:

“They have to fail an IQ test. Keeps the professional beer-pong lobby out.”

Host:

“So basically, beer pong, lawn darts, and mandatory stupidity?”

Campbell:

“Yes. And if you sink the cup, you guide the corporation. That’s meritocracy done right. That’s Mr. PIB.”

Host:

“You’re serious?”

Campbell:

“Absolutely. Look, the economy is the house, the workers are the kids… and sometimes you just need a guy in a striped hat to come in and knock things over. Then everyone cleans it up properly.”

Host:

“And the hat?”

Campbell:

“Ah yes—the red foil MR PIB hat. Thanks to Dr. Nastradamus and his 100% accurate predictions, if he says foil hats stop mind control… I’m a believer.”

The Final Prediction

 

2nd Prediction Comes to Pass

 

The Director of Prescience Research and Park Bench Napping Press Announcement

 September 11, 2026

PIB Back Alley Cabinet HQ

The world waits as Dr. Nastradamus is about to make his first public announcement.

Fellow citizens of the world,

As my campaign continues to grow, so will my group of advisors. Now I’m a pretty smart guy. I mean really smart. When smarts were handed out, I don’t know… I might have gotten seconds. Maybe even thirds.

It’s why so many people keep asking me to rule the world in a fair… well… I guess it’s fair. I mean I’m so far ahead in the polls there’s really not a serious candidate that can catch me.

Irregardless— you like that word? I think I just invented it right here on the spot.

Irregardless of my awe-inspiring brainpower… and I don’t call it awe-inspiring, that’s just a term the media uses a lot… not a term I would ever use to describe myself.

But irregardless, even I can’t know everything.

So I created a select group of advisors I met one night while gathering data on local night club promiscuous sexual deviants and over-serving practices. During my investigation I was thrown into an alley by a bouncer. I believe it was because I was wearing my Mr. PIB hat. So you know those bouncers were undocumented liberal voters.

Anyway, I landed on some kind of shopping crate thing and that’s when I met my new Director of Prescient Research and Park Bench Napping.

Now I’ll be honest with you, he never gave his real name. He says that’s how the government unlocks your brain and controls your thoughts. Which honestly helps explain a lot about the Liberal versus Conservative Christian divide.

This guy is really smart.

All the boys in the alley call him Nastradamus, because he predicts the future and is right more often than Fox News. And you know how much I love some Fox News.

Nastradamus wears a foil hat for protection from mind control. So I guess technically it’s a kind of brain prophylactic.

We should probably get him a Put It Back foil hat. I like that idea. I might even get one myself. I think I would look very good in red foil.

Now Dr. Nastradamus tells me the American mainstream media will soon turn on me in an attempt to influence the election.

The mainstream is afraid of me. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it.

Because I will not support corporate welfare. And the big businesses that own the mainstream media are terrified of that. They’ve all got their hands in the cookie jar, and we are going to slap those hands away and tell them to Put It Back.

I don’t have taxpayers supporting me while I look for more ways to dip into the public pocket.

And I know you don’t either.

That’s exactly what scares the big businesses that control the media.