Fellow citizens of the world,

As my campaign continues to grow, so will my group of advisors. Now I’m a pretty smart guy. I mean really smart. When smarts were handed out, I don’t know… I might have gotten seconds. Maybe even thirds.

It’s why so many people keep asking me to rule the world in a fair… well… I guess it’s fair. I mean I’m so far ahead in the polls there’s really not a serious candidate that can catch me.

Irregardless— you like that word? I think I just invented it right here on the spot.

Irregardless of my awe-inspiring brainpower… and I don’t call it awe-inspiring, that’s just a term the media uses a lot… not a term I would ever use to describe myself.

But irregardless, even I can’t know everything.

So I created a select group of advisors I met one night while gathering data on local night club promiscuous sexual deviants and over-serving practices. During my investigation I was thrown into an alley by a bouncer. I believe it was because I was wearing my Mr. PIB hat. So you know those bouncers were undocumented liberal voters.

Anyway, I landed on some kind of shopping crate thing and that’s when I met my new Director of Prescient Research and Park Bench Napping.

Now I’ll be honest with you, he never gave his real name. He says that’s how the government unlocks your brain and controls your thoughts. Which honestly helps explain a lot about the Liberal versus Conservative Christian divide.

This guy is really smart.

All the boys in the alley call him Nastradamus, because he predicts the future and is right more often than Fox News. And you know how much I love some Fox News.

Nastradamus wears a foil hat for protection from mind control. So I guess technically it’s a kind of brain prophylactic.

We should probably get him a Put It Back foil hat. I like that idea. I might even get one myself. I think I would look very good in red foil.

Now Dr. Nastradamus tells me the American mainstream media will soon turn on me in an attempt to influence the election.

The mainstream is afraid of me. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it.

Because I will not support corporate welfare. And the big businesses that own the mainstream media are terrified of that. They’ve all got their hands in the cookie jar, and we are going to slap those hands away and tell them to Put It Back.

I don’t have taxpayers supporting me while I look for more ways to dip into the public pocket.

And I know you don’t either.

That’s exactly what scares the big businesses that control the media.

Preston Ok Rally

The Following is a Transcript of a Campbell World Leader Rally

Just Outside Preston, Oklahoma

(Applause)

Thank you. Thank you. It's wonder— (pause for louder applause) —thank you. It's wonderful to be able to come out and meet with you great Americans.

As I look out at the faces in the crowd… a good crowd. Probably 100,000 people or more. The Democrats probably think there's an OU football game over here. There’s no way they could know better. They are all liberal OSU fans, you know.

(Pause for laughter)

You know why we are here. Together we can raise a unified voice heard round the world.

We are sick and tired of Washington insiders and nepobabies destroying our country while filling their bank accounts.

We are tired of paying billions of tax dollars to countries that do not respect us and do not have our best interests as a priority.

And we are tired of paying seven times more for healthcare than any other nation… while sending those nations our tax money so they can have cheap healthcare and laugh at us while they’re doing it.

Now you know I hosted a summit in Canada about this. They love me up there.

Great people. Wonderful people. Very polite.

But I told them… “Listen, folks… this can’t continue.”

Pretty soon I think they’ll come around to my idea of raising their prescription prices to match ours.

Only fair.

(Crowd cheers, confused but supportive)

Speaking of healthcare… isn’t Blackout Bob doing a tremendous job? Tremendous job.

Some people said he couldn’t do it.

They said, “Bob passes out during staff meetings.”

But I said, “That’s not a weakness… that’s strategic napping.”

And now look at him. In just two weeks he has already identified three diseases that didn’t even exist before he started working.

That’s leadership, folks.

(Applause)

And when I become World Leader, we’re going to fix this country.

We’re going to fix healthcare.

We’re going to fix Washington.

And we’re going to fix the price of gas.

And if that doesn’t work…

we’ll just blame Canada.

(Thunderous applause)

Speaking of leadership… let’s talk about this war the current administration has gotten us into.

Now I don’t know about you, but everywhere I go people keep asking the same question:  “Where is the strategic plan?”  And the answer they keep hearing is…“Bomb first. Figure it out later.”

That would never happen under a Campbell administration.  First of all, the Iranians love me. Tremendous respect.

And the Gazanians? Wonderful people. They love me too.

If I were in charge, I would have brought peace to the region within 30 days.

You know how?

Give them what they really want.

An NFL franchise.

(Crowd murmurs)

Now we haven’t finalized the name yet. We’re still working through the branding.

Maybe the Campbell Kamikazes.

Maybe the Tele-Avenging Angels.

We’ll work out the name later.

But once Sunday football starts, folks… nobody’s launching missiles. They’ll be too busy arguing about the referee.

(Applause)

Now I know a lot of you are concerned about the rising price of housing.

The American dream of owning a home… it’s slipping out of reach for the average American family.

But here’s the problem.

If we enact policies that cause prices to drop too much… suddenly we have millions of homeowners who sacrificed and saved their whole lives… only to have Washington insiders wipe out the only wealth they’ve ever managed to build.

That’s a real problem.

And it’s not something your average Washington bureaucrat can solve.

No, this takes a sophisticated mind.

A mind that understands how to survive hard times.  Minds like you and I possess.

And minds like my Director of Affordable Housing…  Cardboard Calvin.

(Crowd cheers)

Now Calvin is a very smart man. 

Very smart man with a vision.

Sometimes it’s double vision, but it’s still vision.  And after crunching the numbers, Calvin tells me that within seven years the American dream will be restored.

That’s right.

A refrigerator box for every couple…

…and a rodent-for every pot.

Just like our grandparents dreamed about.

(Wild applause)

Thank you folks.

God bless Oklahoma.

God bless America.

And remember our campaign motto:

“If we can’t afford it… put it back.”

Good night everybody!

Campbell Fires Back

 

Campbell Fires Back at Critics Over “Attack” Questions

World leader candidate Cris Campbell is pushing back against critics who claim the reported terrorist attack on his motorcade was fabricated to boost his lagging poll numbers.

Skeptics have pointed to the total absence of physical evidence, as well as statements from the Secret Service noting that Campbell was never assigned a security team, since the office of “World Leader” does not officially exist.

Campbell dismissed those claims in a statement this morning.

“I now strongly suspect the Secret Service and the CIA were involved in the attack themselves,” Campbell said. “They dressed as terrorists and tried to take me out.”

Campbell argues that only a domestic intelligence agency would have the resources to remove vehicles, bodies, and evidence so quickly, suggesting the alleged operation was intended to silence him.

“The reason is obvious,” Campbell added. “My fiscal conservative policies threaten their funding.”

Campbell concluded his remarks with a pop-culture reference.

“As Jack Nicholson told Batman,” Campbell said, quoting the famous line, ‘This town needs an enema.’

Exclusive Detsils on Terrorist Attack

 FBI Investigating Campbell’s “Terror Attack” Story

Federal investigators say they are reviewing the account of world leader candidate Cris Campbell, who claims he survived a massive terrorist ambush that wiped out his entire security team.

When agents arrived at the reported scene, they found shell casings and what appeared to be bloodstains on the pavement—but no vehicles, bodies, or other evidence of the large firefight Campbell described.

Campbell himself was located nearby at O’Malley’s Pub and Gentleman’s Club, where he appeared shaken but mostly unharmed. Campbell insists the attackers were part of a highly organized terrorist unit capable of rapidly removing all evidence of the battle, though investigators say several details of the story remain unclear.

BREAKING NEWS!!

 TERROR ATTACK REPORTED ON WORLD LEADER CANDIDATE

Cris Campbell — Fate Unknown as Casualties Confirmed

ALVA / OKLAHOMA CITY / WORLD DESKS

Early reports indicate that a terrorist attack has targeted internationally known world leader candidate Cris Campbell, sending shockwaves through political and diplomatic communities around the globe.

Authorities have confirmed multiple fatalities at the scene, but officials have not yet confirmed whether Campbell is among the dead, injured, or safely evacuated. Emergency responders and security teams are currently securing the area while intelligence agencies attempt to determine the scope of the attack.

News crews from across the world are scrambling to verify details as conflicting reports emerge from witnesses and officials.

Officials have urged the public to remain calm while investigations continue.

“At this time we simply do not know the condition of Mr. Campbell,” one security official said. “Our priority is stabilizing the situation and confirming the identities of those involved.”

The developing story comes at a time of unusually high global tensions, with conflicts and instability reported across North, Central, and South America, Europe, the Middle East, and China, alongside growing domestic protests in several nations.

Analysts say the targeting of such a highly visible international figure may have been inevitable amid escalating geopolitical stress.

More information will be released as it becomes available.

OTHER MAJOR STORIES

TECH CHAOS:

Grok AI Accidentally Spends Three Hours Arguing With Itself About Whether Elon Musk Is Actually Elon Musk

Engineers at X report the AI briefly concluded that Musk might be “a simulation of a billionaire created to test internet patience.”

DIPLOMATIC TENSION:

Canada Formally Protests “Extremely Rude Tone” at International Pharmaceutical Summit

Canadian officials lodged a formal complaint after delegates reportedly referred to maple syrup as “medicinally unverified.”

ECONOMY:

Metal Straw Stocks Surge After Health Initiative Suggests Plastic “Kind of Gross Anyway”

WEATHER:

Midwest forecast: windy with a 40% chance of conspiracy theories.

SPORTS:

Local 125-lb wrestler claims he could “definitely pin that Olympic guy Campbell in under 30 seconds.”

Experts remain skeptical.

Developing Story — Updates Expected Throughout the Day

Campbell Tied To Corruption

 

Senate Watchdog Flags $20 Million “Straw Stock” Gift to World Leader Candidate

Washington, D.C. — A senior Senate finance watchdog has raised ethics concerns after disclosures revealed that the self-styled “world leader candidate” received approximately $20 million in so-called “straw stock” from investors tied to United States Steel Corporation just days before his Secretary of Health launched a nationwide public health campaign promoting the use of metal straws over plastic.

According to filings reviewed late Tuesday, the stock transfer occurred less than 96 hours before the Department of Health unveiled its new initiative, branded “America Doesn’t Suck.” The program encourages Americans to abandon single-use plastic straws in favor of reusable metal alternatives, citing environmental and long-term public health considerations.

While no law appears to have been violated — and campaign attorneys insist the transaction was “fully compliant with all disclosure requirements” — the timing has prompted scrutiny on Capitol Hill.

“Not Illegal, But Troubling”

Senator Harold Whitcomb (I–ME), who chairs the Senate’s informal finance oversight working group, stopped short of accusing the candidate of wrongdoing but called the situation “deeply concerning.”

“We’re looking at a $20 million equity gift tied to a steel manufacturer,” Whitcomb said. “Then, days later, a federal public health campaign is rolled out that could directly benefit domestic steel producers. That may not be illegal — but it certainly raises ethical questions.”

Ethics experts note that while candidates may legally receive stock as part of campaign-related fundraising structures or blind trust arrangements, proximity to policy shifts can create the appearance of influence.

“The issue here is perception,” said Dr. Elaine Mortimer, a professor of public policy ethics at Georgetown University. “If a candidate stands to benefit financially from a policy recommendation, even indirectly, voters will understandably question the integrity of that recommendation.”

Campaign Response: “Coincidence, Pure and Simple”

The candidate’s campaign dismissed the criticism as politically motivated.

“This was a lawful investment vehicle structured months ago,” campaign spokesperson Randy Doyle said in a statement. “The ‘America Doesn’t Suck’ initiative is about public health and environmental stewardship — not straws, not steel, and certainly not stock portfolios.”

Doyle added that the Secretary of Health independently developed the metal straw recommendation as part of a broader anti-microplastics effort and that the candidate “had no operational involvement in departmental messaging.”

Still, critics point out that domestic steel manufacturers could see a modest demand bump if even a fraction of the country’s restaurants and consumers shift to metal straws at scale.

Optics in a High-Stakes Race

The controversy arrives at a delicate moment in the campaign. The candidate has built his brand on bombastic anti-corruption rhetoric, frequently promising to “drain every swamp, even the decorative ponds.”

Opponents were quick to seize on the revelation.

“If you’re running as the ethics crusader, you can’t take $20 million in steel and then suddenly tell America to sip through stainless,” said one rival campaign advisor, speaking on background.

Political analysts say the episode may not have immediate legal consequences, but it could shape public perception.

“In politics, legality is the floor,” said veteran strategist Carla Nguyen. “Ethics — or at least the appearance of ethics — is the ceiling. Voters decide whether you’re standing tall or ducking under it.”

For now, the Senate watchdog has requested additional documentation surrounding the timing and structure of the stock transfer. No formal investigation has been announced.

Whether the matter fades as a policy footnote or hardens into a defining campaign controversy may depend less on metallurgy — and more on momentum.

Nawlins!!!

 

My friends, during my very important diplomatic outreach mission to Mardi Gras, I made the bold decision to take the official campaign bus straight down to Bourbon Street. Some weak people asked, “Sir, is that an appropriate use of campaign funds?”

 

I said, “It’s called CULTURAL ENGAGEMENT.”

 

You cannot understand America unless you understand New Orleans. And I understand it now. Deeply.

 

Gumbo was consumed. Tremendous gumbo.

 

Jambalaya was handled with strength.

 

And Café Du Monde? That was not a stop — that was an emergency economic briefing.

 

If the FAKE NEWS releases photographs showing white powder all over my suit, my tie, my distinguished face — that is powdered sugar. From beignets. Beautiful, liberty-dusted beignets.

They are good people in Nawlins. Passionate people. They handed me beads. Many beads. Some say too many beads. I say there is no such thing as too much grassroots support.

 

Yes, the campaign card may have briefly encountered seafood towers, balcony access fees, and something called a “Category Five Hurricane.” But that, my friends, is what we call INVESTING IN THE SOUTHERN STRATEGIC VOTER BASE.

Leadership requires sacrifice.

Sometimes that sacrifice is your white shirt.

 

And to ensure total transparency, I have officially formed the Beignet Oversight & Powder Accountability Committee — a bipartisan task force dedicated to investigating exactly how that powdered sugar reached my pockets, my briefcase, and several line items in the travel budget.

They love me down there. Absolutely love me.

 

And the receipts?

Festive. Patriotic. Under review.