Build Bob Back Better

The world is watching tonight as this epic red carpet event unfolds. Everybody who is anybody is here — Bill and Hill, or as the media has taken to calling them, the Hilbillys. Barack and Michelle. Donald and his lovely date, Ivanka. Justin Trudeau had every intention of attending, but was detained at the border. Politicians, corporate CEOs, and luminaries from every corner of polite society have gathered tonight in support of the new PIB Department of Public Health — and of course, its poor, unfortunate director, Blackout Bob.

Welcome! I'm Alegra Airington, and you are watching E Entertainment Political News. The stage is set for a spectacular evening of finery, as the most elite people in the world have come together under one glittering roof.

And we are here tonight to honor the Put It Back Alley Cabinet Director of Health, Blackout Bob. The goal this evening is to raise money to rebuild the Department of Public Health office — where poor Bob was, in fact, residing at the time of the vicious attack carried out by those monsters. The perpetrators remain at large, and no one has any idea who they could possibly be. 

The dais is loaded with dignitaries tonight. World Leader candidate Cris "Put It Back" Campbell is in attendance, alongside Put It Back Alley Cabinet member Nastradamus and our host for the evening, Don Vincent Bianco — the latest in a long and distinguished line of Italian family proprietors who have operated Hammurabi's Code 5 Chili for well over 150 years. And it appears that a veritable who's who of the political and corporate elite are lining up for the honor of kissing the ring of the Godfather of Chili himself.

The event promises to be nothing short of spectacular, drawing the most powerful people in the world together in a rare and remarkable display of bipartisan fellowship.

However, there were signs the evening might turn out badly...

It was living up to all expectations as the social event of the season until a dark presence was felt entering the room...

Senator Sanders somehow found a live microphone and, as guests were attempting to enjoy their $400-a-plate dinners, launched into a full-throated accusation that the assembled attendees were colluding with organized crime and laundering illegal campaign contributions. Sanders went on to assert that this was precisely how so many members of Congress had managed to become multimillionaires — people, he reminded the room, whose only stated objective was to serve the American people, but whose actual objective, he alleged, was to serve the Oligarchy.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tried to calm raging Senator down by inviting him to have a bowl of the famous Hammurabi's Code 5 chili

...which proved to be the fatal flaw of the evening. Because, as we all know, Bernie Sanders tends to talk with his hands.

That's when the disaster began

Then the night took a turn for the worse when two unidentified terrorists launched the first direct attack at the enemy.

And MISSED the intended target!!!

It was around here that all hell broke loose.

And then things got violent

Total chaos followed 

Then the unthinkable actually happened

It was inescapable. Time itself seemed to slow down to the point where this reporter could count every individual bean in that fateful glob of Hammurabi's mystery meat chili.

Don Vincent Bianco. Rumored to be the most powerful and violent crime lord in back-channel political circles. Rumored to be the architect behind the illegal and untraceable laundering of pilfered campaign donations and shadowy government subsidies. The Don Vincent Bianco of the feared Bianco crime syndicate — a syndicate rumored to control the Illuminati, the Vatican, OPEC, and possibly even St. Jude's Children's Hospital. THAT Don Vincent Bianco was struck by an unknown chili assailant in the midst of the chaos.

And the room — packed wall to wall with the most powerful people of the most powerful nation in the history of the world — froze in absolute terror as they waited for his reaction.

Il bacio della morte. The Italian Kiss of Death!!!   

A slow, evil smile crept across Don Vincent Bianco's face — as every henchman in the room reached for his gun.

And so, as per usual, the social event of the year came to an abrupt end.

It has been an exciting and eventful night here at Hammurabi's Code 5 Chili, home of tonight's fundraiser for Put It Back Alley Director of Public Health, Blackout Bob. I'm Alegra Airington of Entertainment Political News, wishing you champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

And on a high note — there were no reported injuries resulting from tonight's activities, save for a couple of minor scrapes that we are told were insignificant.

If they know what's good for them.