MY Christmas Story

The holidays are over and my pants don't want to fit. The state is under a good deal of snow which means my family gives me a daily schedule to drive them so they don't risk a wreck. Evidently the TV news warnings of DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE UNLESS OF AN EMERGENCY had a tag line that said "or if your Dad can take you." What is worse is Mrs. Cris keeps producing a new grocery/Wal-Mart list every day!

Yes Wal-Mart. The one store you want to avoid the day after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. You DO know that all holiday decorations, paper, bows, bags, inflatables, lights, toys, gift sets, and overstocked items will go on sale the day AFTER that most holy of holidays... don't you? So every redneck within 50 miles charges to the store with Christmas cash to get new tree skirts, next year's greetings cards, and the best lights left over from yesterday.

Now I too have been known to rush to this sale. A few years ago I got not one but TWO new tree skirts. They were things of beauty. See, over the past three decades we have collected a vast assortment of Christmas do-dads and trinkets. If we wanted to set it all out we could land jet airliners in the driveway and the house would make even the gaudiest of shopping center malls claim we "over did it" a bit. In fact, we had so much that I had to have an outside storage building created just to hold the Christmas stuff. OK, to be fair there are like three boxes of Halloween and one Thanksgiving box of decorations. But still the building is about 80% Christmas decor and we do not have big outdoor decorations. Nope, it is all indoors baby!

So yeah I don't mind a bargain. So like I said, I bought a couple of great tree skits a couple of years ago. I came in and we all marveled at MY brilliance at finding something pretty that nobody else wanted in a timely manner. Then I gave this freshly found treasure to Jr to put away in a storage bin for to use next year and many years thereafter.

Next fall, when pulling out the Halloween Decorations I found those Wal-Mart sacks where they had been tossed inside the door. Not in storage containers. Not protected from field mice or pack rats or any other vermin that inhabits sheds that only get opened for three months out of a year. No I found the last vestiges of rat torn and chewed rags that untold litters of rodents had crapped and procreated upon.

Hell Yes I stood there in that dank smelling environment desperately wondering if I could find a corner of the round skirt I could turn to face the living room and salvage my once great find. Alas I had to admit defeat and we returned to the old rust stained skirt we had been using for the past 15 years.

BEGONE FOUL MEMORY! GET THEE BEHIND ME!! For today the little Mrs and I ventured unto Wal-Mart where I got a fiber optic tree angle and Mrs C got a new tree skirt. Soon we will take down the tree for another season. We will put away the decorations, both old and new for another year. Then, as tradition dictates I will tell Jr to put the storage bins back in the shed because I am too freakin tired and too freakin fat from all the overeating during the holidays. And then 9 months from now we will see the job he performed and most likely the cycle will continue to turn.

No Time Like The Presents

Hey I am going to have company here at North Pole, Oklahoma. I might not be around much for the remainder of the week. Christmas is all about family togetherness, which probably explains the huge spike in alcohol consumption this time each year.

Have a Merry Christmas!

First Christmas Revisited

So we gathered, we ate, we played, we opened presents and we played some more. There were many special moments, as there always are when we can gather an expanding family together. I got some special bonding time with new family members.


And I got to display my carefully cultured look of professionalism. Please note the belly hanging out from under the sweater. A sweater I KNOW covered the full monty only a couple of washings ago!

And YES if you are wondering. I am about to get an opprobrious Christmas gift.

Where I Pass Along Some Christmas-time Good Mojo

Yes children, always remember Santa's advice and never fornicate with one of the Special little creatures of the Holiday season, unless you have plenty of protection.

It's GO TIME Baby!!

Thirty-six hours to Turkey time and we are in full pre-host mode. We have already called my son's friends and made them cry and told them they could not even think about coming to our house until AFTER Thursday. We have created a fair dispersal of chores for each family member based on ability.

I will do a lot of cooking, my daughter will do a lot of cleaning. My son will say he is working but will keep showing up to ask stupid questions that never should be asked... If Clark Kent had diarrhea, wouldn't it cause the entire town's septic system to explode? Can Super poop even break down without a Kryptonite sewage system? Do parasites go to heaven when they die? Then is it really heaven if we still have bed bugs?

Mrs. Cris will again play to her strengths and take several naps then take full credit for how nice the house looks and how good the food tastes. My son will feel insulted for not being included in the credit for all the hard work.

I have set the Holiday beast to thaw. I have prepared the traditional electric roaster and have already baked a cake and a batch of peanut butter cookies. Unfortunately, as will happen at the Holidays... I have already eaten one batch of peanut butter cookies.

But the season is upon us! We will work like demons to clean and cook and clean again while thinking of Friday as the day of rest. There will be guilt about not wanting to brave the lines to Wal-Mart for the super day after sale, but we know after days of cooking and cleaning and in-house fighting we deserve a rest. Which will last until 11:00 a.m. and the call to erect the Christmas tree can no longer be ignored.

Soon... there will only be a few weeks left til Christmas and we only have so many free weekends available to put up trees, wrap packages, decorate the house, pay personal property taxes (bastards) and watch football. Like I said... IT's GO TIME BABY!!