Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Got A New Flag!!

So September is gone and it's time to put the vagina away for another year. Don't worry, old Cris has you covered as October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.

Which as we all know, means... SAVE THE HOOTERS!!

Yes all month I will be checking out your rack for public health. I will boldly get in face and ask about mammograms, breast feeding and self examination. Then I will probably offer to examine your breasts for you as well as squish them while snapping pictures. All in the name of SAVE THE HOOTERS!

Monday, September 29, 2008

September Mourning


For many of you reading this post, tonight will be tomorrow. That can only mean this is the final day of September. The month that burns it's way onto the calendar but leaves us thinking about how many shopping days til Christmas. September, the month to recognize Uterine Cancer and help kick it's ass.

September is over. It's time to take down the Badge on the sidebar, it's time to take down my Va-jay-jay flag to which I had hoped we could all rally. Our month of good intentions is over. The fight has been fought. I might not have been the most perfect spokesman for Uterine Cancer but I stayed the course, I never took my focus off what was important to me, and I rode it hard all month long.

But September is over. The fight is fought. Time to take down the flag.

DOOMED! We're All Doomed!!

Barrak Obama reportedly just said to America that it is important to remain calm and not panic in the face of the Congressional raspberry given to Dubya's Wall Street Bail-Out program. But just days ago the SEC guys were saying if the bill did not pass it would be catastrophic! And I am no linguist or nuttin, but it seems in your average run of the mill catastrophe everybody is DOOMED!!

In case you didn't hear about it, because you are locked away in the depths of a caved in mine shaft in the remotest parts of a Peruvian jungle, Congress told Bush to take his bail-out plan and stick it where he put his Wall Street Overhaul following the CEO scandals a few years ago. The Republicans immediately said it was because Nancy Pelosi called on the Repugs to make a Bi-Partisan effort to save the world's economy, and as far as they were concerned Nancy could go get screwed. Barny Frank jumped to Nancy's defence and told the leading Repugs Nancy wouldn't even want a man to get screwed if Cheney hadn't caused the rolling electrical black-out in California.

Now I am no mathematician or nuttin here, but don't all these signs point towards the four horsemen of the Apocalypse trotting out here and smothering us in apocalyptic horseshit? I mean really, WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!

The DOW dropped 750 points! I don't really know if that's good or bad, and I am pretty sure nobody else knows either.... but it sounds scary!! FUCK YOU OBAMA! I'll piss my pants when I am damn good and ready! Like now! And maybe again in a few minutes when Google updates the news reader.

OK this is what seems logical to me. We WILL have a recession. We WILL have many people lose jobs, possibly myself and my family included. House prices will fall. Stock markets will crash and recover. But the dollar will be stronger. We will emerge whole and Maybe, just maybe, we can refocus attention to what made the US a Superpower.

But... there's no getting around the fact that, for now, we're doomed. DOOMED!! I am sure basic services will be shut off by the time you read this post. Chances are we won't have running water by morning. Traffic lights and free school lunch programs will be the next things to go. Old people will have to start drawing straws to see who suffocates whom with a pillow. WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

If you still have Internet services you might want to Google how to best cook dogs and house cats. I am sure the food supply will only last the week. We will be lucky if we can get bread lines. If you live in a big city you might want to try to learn how to fish for sewer rats because we are DOOMED! Congress allowed the rich guys to be forced to live within their means. Your Congress refused to pay off the bad debts of speculators with your tax money. And according to what the media is saying... I believe we are DOOMED!

About Last Night

OK I was here. I wrote a post. A short interesting post on how living in the backwoods of Oklahoma where DSL fears to tread, I have to depend upon wireless internet connection. I 'splained how all week that connection has been tenuous at best and non existent the rest of the time.

Well, as you have probably guessed by now, when I tried to publish that sparkling bit of prose my internet connection crapped out. No amount of cussing, cursing, threatening or whining to my wife would make it work. I went to bed frustrated for an entirely new reason and woke up with a firm resolve to raise some hell. Only NOW the freakin thing works!

So if you showed up last night, all bright eyed and eager to read the latest rant on misguided buy-out plans, new methods of torturing teenagers, or suggested ways to save the va-jay-jays, I apologize. I tried. I failed. I came back for you as soon as I could. But the official record will show, I missed a day of posting.

Oh well, it was bound to happen. It will happened again here soon as we move into the stormy season and lightening fills the air and knocks out wireless internet and satellite reception at the same time... usually during my favorite show or traditional blog time. It will happen again. And again.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Political Saturday

I have decided once again I don't give a freakin rip about the Presidential Election. Me talking about who or what I want in the presidential election is like me talking about what type of super yacht I want to buy. I can dream and boast and make all the big talk I want, but in the end... I don't really have any impact on either topic.

See, let's forget for a second that in Oklahoma a Democrat's vote is like a fly's burp in a thunderstorm... not even noticeable to anything except the fly. Let's forget for just a second that nearly every church has nearly every redneck in this state convinced all Democrats are Devil worshiping abortionists who want to raise taxes and get your young teenage daughter pregnant... so they can abort the baby. Let's forget all of that and focus on what really matters. WE. The. People. Don't elect the President, the Electoral College elects the President. We, the people, are simply voting to make a strong suggestion the Electoral College doesn't even have to take, if it doesn't want.

So talking about who to vote for President, is as dumb as going to war to protect the peace or screwing to keep your virginity. I just need to get over myself and move on to things I can effect. So, once again, I resolve to not get sucked back into the Presidential issue. It simply raises my blood pressure and loses me friends.

What I need to do is make my buddies a deal. I will vote for McCain if they will vote Democrat for the US Senate. A fair deal. Get rid of the ineffective guys we have in Washington. You might like them, but they have not helped the state or the country and change will be good. A fair trade.

Only... A Democrat will not win the Presidential election in Oklahoma and a Republican Senatorial Candidate probably would. So a trade would be a real good thing. PLUS... how many of these guys could I talk into that deal? I know my Dad would agree to it in a heart beat. What about my best friends?

You know there is an old saying that a Wise man must pick his battles. Why fight a battle I will have no effect on, when I might be able to make a real difference in a different battle?

Friday, September 26, 2008

Pez Debates

So the first round is over. Both sides will walk away convinced their guy kicked ass and the other was a total loser. America can start it's own kind of debate as we focus on how stupid Sarah Palin can be, how black Obama looks, how old McCain is and life will go on as usual. No changes, no improvements, just friends mad at each other for personal belief systems.

Two things really bothered me about tonight. I was not bothered by McCain constantly pointing out how inexperienced Obama is as a world leader. I was not bothered by McCain talking about his hands-on experience on every major issues this country has faced over the past three decades. I WAS bothered by the fact that Obama didn't calmly look into the camera and say to America, "And look where we are now with all of that contribution."

Oh did you hear the Washington Mutual bank that was closed by the Government was due to a "run?" People became so panicked they might lose their savings, they rushed down an pulled out all savings and investments. Over four days they crippled poor WaMu to the point they collapsed. Oh yeah... and the news reports WaMu is actually the FIRST bank to ever actually collapse due to a run! In other words, we seeing things now that are worse than they were in the Great Depression.

OK the other thing that bothered me was following the debate. CBS said they had a group of people screened to be non-partisan. They asked them who won the debate and a guy said it was Obama, "Because he looked more relaxed and at ease."

How in the hell can America's Oldest, most trusted news source set up a fluff piece like that and pick the biggest idiot in the room to interview? Out of all the issues discussed, out of all the topics covered, with the world falling down around us and the possible end of the United States as a Super Power looming in our immediate future this guy talks about how freakin relaxed one guy looked!!

This is not a year to allow stupid people to vote! Sheeeesh!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Courage

Hello. My name is Cris and I am a sissy. ( HI CRIS!!) I guess I have always been a sissy. I don't remember there ever being a time I wasn't a sissy, but I do know it became very apparent when I first went to the dentist.

Now to be fair, I grew up poor in Oklahoma. Kids around here were only sent to a dentist when teeth were rotting out of their heads and the teeth were pulled because, really, who keeps their teeth when they are adults anyway, right? So kids were sent to this one guy in town who was brutal. I mean a butcher. Once, when I was in high school I flinched and he jerked back with the drill running. It ripped the inside of my mouth open from my jaw all the way to my upper lip. My whole face was bruised and swollen to the point I looked like my head had been rammed through a windshield. When it happened, the Dentist barked at me, "Look what you made me do!" Years later, my father admitted the same Dentist had done that to him too.

So I went into my adult life with more than a healthy fear of dentists... I would break out in sweats and try to make deals with fate. This continued for a long time until I forced myself to grow up, find a good dentist and endure the process. I can say that now, I am much better. I have very good dental health and I made sure my kids have the best dental care available with the best most pain-free dentists I can find. It costs more, but it is a solid investment.

The thing is, when my kids were little I was still not the guy to take them for check ups. I was not the guy to take them to see me get a cleaning. I am still... a tad it nervous. Even a simple 6 month check up has me obsessing the night before the appointment. I still look for ANY excuse to back out. It still takes all my nerve and resolve to get there each time.

How freakin pathetic is that? Little kids go with no qualm, yet I break into a cold sweat at just the thought. As soon as I hit the door I am asking for the laughing gas, often to be told "We are just taking X-Rays, Cris." But the folks I go to are understanding and patient ...even if I did think I heard them laughing when I left the building.

Today I had my six months check up. I think maybe I broke the one scheduled before this... so it might have been my first time there in a year. Maybe. Anyway, no cavities but I had to have a deep cleaning (GIMME THE GAS!!!) and told to come back in three months. So that means, if I am real brave and can survive a check up WITH a full cleaning... I have to do it all over again sooner rather than later.

Courage is shown in many ways. Some guys walk through life and never feel fear. Others suspect there might be a wet stain on their pants when they hear a high speed drill. Like I said, My name is Cris and I am a sissy.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Closed Minds in Oklahoma

You know what I hate about Oklahoma? People that won't wake up to the fact that there might, just might, be possibilities that are beyond their personal beliefs. I had to deal with that recently when a very conservative Christian friend of mine was ranting about abortion. I responded the way I have always responded over the years... his numbers are unrealistic. He claimed one agency performed over 250,000 abortions a year. In my opinion that would probably be about 25% of all pregnancies and that was an unreasonable number, which meant by logic his argument was crap.

Only I looked up the data and his numbers were low. There are about 1.3 million unwanted pregnancies each year and about half of them are aborted. The number is staggering and unreasonable... but still valid. The fact that there are a lot of abortions rather than the few I had assumed, does not change the fact that most abortions are given to little girls under 15 years old. The next highest age group was over the age of 40. And looking at these two main age groups I can say with all my conviction that I could never try to dictate what they should do with their body. The choice should be theirs.

I also countered that if a reasonable alternative to abortion or forced pregnancy were ever offered, I would probably change my mind. Instead of abortion clinics, have fetus transplant clinics. I have no problems with saying terminate your pregnancy without terminating a baby. I just can't force a unilateral decision on others with a blind eye to consequences.

But that is not what I wanted to talk about here. I want to discuss the sensitive topic of birth control.

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! CALL THE CHURCHES!!! SET THE CROSSES ON FIRE WE GOT HERETIC TO BURN!!!

OK it gets worse, you might want to turn around now and stop reading. ...no? ..Well, OK, I warned you.

Did you know there was an excepted form of birth control called "Mutual Masturbation?" This means what you would expect, there is no penetration during sexual activity but the couple is active, even if not technically having sex. Abstinence Only folks love this form of maintaining virginity til the wedding night.

Only there is a sneaky little secrete adults tend to forget to tell the younger generation: you can still get pregnant! According to Teen Advisor:

Negative Consequences:

As with 'heavy petting', petting below the waist and inside the pants and underwear, and then only if the same hand touches both person's genitals (meaning that when touching yourself and then your partner, you can transfer body fluids, including sperm, to your partner's genitals). This same risk is true when two people share the same sex toys in the same way. Even a tiny amount of fluid or sperm is enough to transfer a disease or get a girl pregnant (yes, sperm can live outside the body, though not for very long).

I mention all of this because I now know two different couples who claim they have had a "Panty Pregnancy." Both couples are known to be young Christians who wanted to maintain virginity for the wedding night. Both couples were engaged and waiting on the wedding, both couples were shocked to find out they were pregnant without ever having sex!

Now the locals are shaking heads and clucking tongues while passing judgment. Me? I went to the Health Department people and asked if MAYBE we should run a community education piece in the local newspaper warning teens that Mutual Masturbation can cause pregnancy. Out of the three health professionals I was talking to, one said the kids were lying and a panty pregnancy was not possible. The other two freaked out and disengaged from the discussion because I used the term mutual masturbation.

Did I mention these are the freakin PROFESSIONALS in Oklahoma. Grrrrrrr

Things I Need to Do

You know I need to make a wood shed. A metal roof perched on 4x4 posts that will keep my fire wood safe and dry over the cold winter. It won't be hard to build. It won't take long and it wont even cost much money. In fact, the dry wood will more than pay for the wood shed if I have a very cold winter.

I need to build my outdoor kitchen. I need to run the propane line from my heat and air unit over to my kitchen spot for the gas grill. I need to put a large metal roof and make a serving bar. I have a sink already purchased and I have galvanized metal for counter tops.

I need to fix my pasture fence and build a small corral. I need to fix the small pasture so that Cris Jr. can get an Ag project for calves, sheep, goats or pigs. OR I can simply buy a few calves each Spring (as I always intend to do) and let them graze out the pasture. Then I can butcher one in Fall and sell the other two before winter. As an added bonus, I can cook the butchered calf in the new outdoor kitchen!

I need to rent a slip or buoy on a nearby lake and go sailing each weekend. I need to put up or shut up. I need to get out there and gain the confidence I need so I can buy a bigger boat and have fun family weekends.

I need to finish hanging the doors on my barn.

I need to collect another rick of wood for the winter.

I need to do a lot of things now that it is cool enough to acutally accomplish something. I have an entire to-do list that Mrs. Cris hasn't even started adding to yet.

But the Fall TV season is on!! Maybe I'll get to the list sometime in May. ...If it isn't too hot.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Only One Week Left

That's right, seven short days (maybe less) til the end of September. It is "do or die" time now, my friends. It's time to cinch your belt up another notch, square your shoulders and dig down deep. You need to get mean. You need to get nasty. You need to be an unstoppable beast as you ask yourself, "Did I help a Va-Jay-Jay today?"

Yes in a week or maybe less all the opportunities to help one of man kind's greatest treasures will have passed. The time when wild and untamed va-jay-jays ran in packs all over this great land is nearly gone. Only in a few remote locations, where mankind is prevented from interfering, has the purity and innocence of the free range va-jay-jay been allowed to blossom.

Now I don't pretend to be an expert on this Prevent Uterine Cancer Awareness Month. In fact, I can't say for sure if I even know where a woman keeps her uterine, but I would guess in her purse, and it probably settled to the bottom, like a cell phone. There in the murky depths it most likely bonded with some over heated and stale chewing gum and a pre-moistened towelette. This un-holly union created a nasty stanky film that we call Uterine Cancer.

On a side note: If you can tell where the chewing gum is interlocked into the monster, you have most likely found the mythical G-Spot. But don't beat yourself up if you never find it. Most men never do, and that's why we are pretty sure it is a myth.

As heartless Corporate money changers take over society they seem to have a single agenda. The complete and total eradication of all things vagina. Yes, we have all heard of the horrors of clear cut efforts. Stripping the natural beauty away and leaving a barren uncovered and smooth landscape. Even worse is the threat of deep rig drilling as has just been granted under the Bush Administration.

Today's va-jay-jay faces many threats, yet it is still out there and as elusive as ever... to some people... like me. Options on saving the future of the va-jay-jay seem limited and pointless. In time, all the va-jay-jays will be taken and none will be left to run free in their natural glory as God intended.

But you can still make a difference for today. You can make a stand and cry out against the assault and maybe for a few weeks, or days or even minutes, you can help stop the terrible pounding these poor quivering pudy-tats takes. Yes, you can click on the link on the side bar a buy a "Save the Va-Jay-Jays" T-Shirt.

It's almost like having a green vagina.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I Got In A Fight

So there I was all happy and content in my office this morning. My work was caught up, I was recovered from a hang over and better yet... I heard everybody I hung out with this past weekend was hung over all day Sunday too. Life could not be better and then it happened.

One of my best friends, maybe my oldest friend, sent me an Email titled "How the Democrats are Responsible For Today's Financial Crisis."

OH. HELL. NO. HE. DID. NOT. JUST. GO. THERE.!!

So I read this pissy dumb-ass story from Bloomburg hat claims that because the Democrats would not support a Republican bailout of banks several years ago, they pushed the nation to this point. And I fired off in return.

I said how it pissed me off to think that the American people are so freakin stupid that they never pay attention and they cant recall events in recent memory. I clearly recall the Republicans whining that their corporate Dominatrices couldn't make enough profit because of all the Liberal Government interference. The Democrats said there were regulation in place to avoid another Great Depression and the Republicans countered like pompas dickheads and said they were way smarter now than the losers in 1929 and they don't need regulations. And against all Democrat protests they did away with our nation's protection. They did away with banking regulations, stock market regulations and air line regulations. Look how those industries have grown into stability since then!

It was a very stressful Email for me to write in the midst of a day's work, but it was something that needed to be said even if it hurt. Then my oldest best friend writes back accusing me of never reading his Email story and just launching into liberal talking points I get off of Daily KOS or Move-On.Org.

OH NO HE DID NOT!!

So I fire back with assurances I never read Daily KOS or Move-on.org. I believe being trained to accept professional political bullshit spin from those guys is just as bad as being dumb enough to eat the same shit sandwich Rush or Imus try to feed you on the other side of the butt-puppet spectrum. But I am bright enough to occasionally pay attention enough to remember when the deregulation happened. I remember thinking that was a mistake, since I had ALWAYS heard about those regulations in regards to the Great Depression and our national insurance on protecting the American savings account. I don't need somebody to tell me how to think when I can function on some basic level all on my own... and I am not paid to support one side or another.

I fire off this Email thinking I might have insulted my oldest best friend to the point my oldest friendship was in trouble. Then tonight, on the drive home my cell phone rings and it is my oldest bestest buddy calling. OH SHIT! "Hey Dude, I just wanted to call you and tell you sometime I fire things off a little too quickly and they sound like I am mad and I am not. I enjoyed today's Email debate."

Maybe that's why we have been friends for all these years. Freakin Politics suck.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Last Minute Political Rant

Oh in the news today, on the eve of a Tax payer bailout of the clusterfuck banking industry that is estimated to exceed 2/3rds of a Billion dollars, Congress is now also considering bailing out European banks that participated in high profit high risk loans, in the name of fairness.

OK this is pissing me off. The Democrats need to back the fuck off. They need to let the system collapse. They need to point fingers. They need to take on the mantle of Fiscal Responsibility and allow the cluster fuck to hit rock bottom and stop trying to save the same system that they fought hard to protect from the greed of the Corporate led Repugs. If the Republicans don't care if it all goes to hell in a hand basket, the Democrats need to back off and let it. The party will kill off all of it's loyal followers.

People only vote Republican because they think it puts money in their pockets. Let American Taxpayers feel how the Republicans have been taking money away from them all this time to pay for the million dollar houses other people live in while they struggle to pay medical bills, and finally they will see the light. But as long as the DNC looks just as guilty from helping a corrupt bailout plan in the name of "FREE TRADE" (what a fucking joke) then they deserve everything they get.

Take the high road. Tell the American Public the Republican voters created this shit storm, ask them if they REALLY think the way out of debt you can't pay is to borrow twice as much money, and let it fall apart. If you want to feel productive, set up programs to help out people who lose everything to get a fresh start with a health dose of "Told you so."

Oh yeah, why do we have to bail out high risk speculators (and not homeowners) rather than simply make them a no-interest loan? Why give it away? Are the banks going to be that nice to the home owners? This whole "reward stupidity" proposal sucks ass.

Turn Out the Lights

The party is over. We meet up on a Friday night, one time a year. We drink, laugh, tell stories on each other and stay awake as late as we can possibly manage in our middle aged bodies that act and feel 17 for at least one weekend a year. We look forward to it, we write about it, we make grandiose plans that may or may not ever happen, and we love each other.

One middle aged school teacher was there for the first time in a few years. We have all missed her as she stayed with her sick mother til the tearful end. This reserved, sweet lady would bounce around the room announcing she was drinking "TeeeeKeeeelah!" Then she started the countdown to passing out, which for some unknown reason she estimated to be around Midnight. "Or I'll turn into a pumpkin."

I tried to calm her down by telling her turning into a pumpkin was not a bad thing, considering what the local redneck boys around here are known to do to pumpkins. Undeterred, about 11:55 she flopped down on a bed that was not hers and waited for the passing-out to commence. Every so often she would pop up with concern all over her face and ask individuals if they were planning on driving home (assuming they were as drunk as she was feeling) then offering to let them sleep with her in her room.

The highlight of last night was when our event organizer mentioned her year of chemo-therapy from breast cancer. She talked about her wig and from time to time walking through the house without hair in front of her son's friends. And I could not contain my question any longer. Like a timid little boy I just had to ask... "When you had chemo... Did you lose your ear hair and your nose hair too?"

I was expecting shock and disgust but instead I heard a shout of, "She didn't lose her pubes! I already asked!" Then another asked, sounding like another little kid in awe and amazement of some totally cool concept, "Did you lose your eyebrows or eye lashes?" and other asked, ""Oooh! What about the hair on your legs?!"

The questions were interrupted by "That would be cool if you didn't have to shave your legs!"

And there we were, thanks to the magical powers of alcohol, transported back to the innocence of youth. Staring wide eyed and open mouthed, waiting on the wonders of grown up life to be revealed to us by the first kid in our group that was brave enough try something new and lived to tell the tale. It was maybe one of the most special moments of my life. I love those guys!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

A simple question

OK I gotta question for you. It's pretty simple and shouldn't take a lot of thought. But do you think me listing my blog as an adult website is hurting my popularity? See I did it so that I could have the freedom to post whatever I wanted to post. I don't intend to post pornographic pictures or videos, but I have the freedom to do that if I want because we are all adults here.

But even I have to to through that huge Adult Warning screen every time I go to post on this blog. and it has slowly begin to dawn on me that maybe I don't need that buffer. What constitutes adult content anyway? Would renaming an article found in the MSM "Study finds Republicans are pussies!" constitute as adult content? Would post labels of "Bush Sucks" make me adult content? What about a picture of a bony skeleton bent over his own groin with the caption "Get Ball Licking Man Fever?" or maybe a symbol of a vagina and the slogan "Save the Va-Jay-Jays!"?

Because, really, I am not sure if that makes this adult in content. I am not too sure Madd Magazine might not have the same content. I am not too sure Comedy Central doesn't have the same level of content. While sometimes profane, gross and outright insulting and stupid... do you consider this fucker to be adult content?

I think I should relabel the blog and invite in more little kids. Maybe spam a few elementary school morning assemblies. My new slogan can be "Get Opprobrius or get fucked!" Maybe, "An A student potential with an Opprobrius@blogspot.com mind." Yeah, that's it! I should drop my adult content limitations and reach out for the younger set!

Not that way, you pervert! Sheeesh

X-Tra Curricular

Back in high school I was in a few extra curricular activities. I was in the marching band in Middle School and then my Freshman year of high school. During that formative year in High school I came to conclusion "Band Sucks!"

Then I switched over the the bad ass crew. They wore three piece suits, carried brief cases and talked about shit nobody else understood. High School Debate. It was work intensive and we (mostly they) were kick ass. We had nearly a decade of winning state and nearly winning nationals. There were actors and debaters and a few cross overs. and we spent all of our time together and nearly all of our weekends together on the road in competition.

Now it is 34 years later. Many of us still communicate on a regular basis via Email. Including the old coach, who was only about 6 or 8 years older than the rest of us. And once a year we get together and hang out and tell wild stories, brag on children and laugh like it was 1979.

So I guess what I am saying here is I will be making light posts through the weekend and then I might need a day or so to detox.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Must See Video

An Excellent parody of today's economic problems was sent to me by some blood sucking attorney who spends his nights and days devising ways to toss women and orphans out of their homes. Sure hope I see him at the family party in a couple of weeks! Click here and enjoy

Thursday, September 18, 2008

If The World Were Fair

WARNING: The below post is written in opposites.

If the World was fair and a Democratic Majority had control of the Government and forced greed and profiteering down the throats of the American people, what would the Republicans do? If the Democrats had forced deregulation so that bankers could inflate profits off of predatory loans to overinflated ego maniacs who feel they deserve more than they can earn, what would the Republicans do? These same people who complained about welfare then borrowed more than they can pay back while bitching about the taxes that pay for the roads and police and hospitals and innovations that have made this country great. So what would the Republicans do if the Democrats, rather then they themselves, had caused this situation?

First they would blanket the Internet and the major networks with preachy editorials about how the back bone of this great country is being destroyed. They would say it wasn't hard work that made this country the greatest country in the world. Everybody works hard. Life is hard and people work everywhere and Americans are no more special than any other nation. But we invest in others. We invest in education and innovation and infrastructure. We invest in super highways, hospitals and faster internet technology. We invested in public utilities and had warmth in the winter, cool in the summer and light in the dark, and we were the envy of the world. We invested in plumbing and sewage and safe water and we were the envy of the world. We invested in GI Bills and college education plans that allow any kid that wants an education have the opportunity to contribute. We invested in Internet and gave it to the public while businesses cried and bemoaned the loss of a funding stream. We invested in a country and we were the envy of the world not from working harder than others but by recognizing the good that comes from investing in a better tomorrow.

Then the Internet and the Mass Media would be blanketed in ways that the Republicans ALWAYS want to invest in others and the Democrats want to invest in business greed. They would claim Democratic legislators screamed they needed less GOVERNMENT interference in banking so they could increase profits. It was unfair! Too much Government interference and we don't need all those protections to save us from a depression because we are way smarter than those idiots in the 1920s. They would say how many families survive day to day in squalor with welfare and compare it to the $600 billion dollars we just lost to people living in million dollar homes they were not able to afford. They would point out the greed and self serving policies that define the current administration. They would show deregulation has led to the ruin of the banking industry, the ruin of the stock markets, the ruin of affordable gas or home energy, the ruin of the airline industry, the ruin of safe road maintenance, rural health care, Science, and led to the ruin of our country being the envy of the world.

And that's what the Democrats SHOULD be doing right now, if the world was fair. But hey, let's keep making fun of Sarah Palin being stupid and inexperienced. Let's keep taunting McCain for being old. Yeah, I bet that'll work.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

News 2 Us

So there is this article that says basically if you vote Republican it's because you are a pussy.

OK you know how Freedom of Speech is like this fundamental right? It seems if you say you don't want to vote for a certain party or certain Presidents are dip shits, you have no freedom of speech on the day your opinion might make a difference.

It looks like the old days of wacking people out on drugs so you can shove a camcorder up their ass are long gone. What will they think of next?

Remember reading about bank closings back in the last Great Depression. The one to be known as the lesser Great Depression? Well now we have predictions that at least 1,000 banks will close IF things don't get any worse... but you know they will because Dumbass and his crew wont call off the Gang Bang til the last Repug is tossed out of Washington.

Ever want to warble like Madonna, Cher or this chick? Then check out on-line karoeoke.

Wordless Picture Post




Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Avitable's Meme

I've been super busy at work and covering meetings at night. Yup, chasing the big bucks. Anyhooo, I've had no thoughts about a post so I would like to take this opportunity to be a lazy ass blogger and copy Avitable's Meme.

Don't forget, there is still time to show your love of all things Uterine by buying a Save the Va-Jay-Jay's T-shirt before the end of Uterine Cancer Awareness Month. If wearing your heart (or your hoo-hoo) on your sleeve just ain't your style... NO PROBLEM!! We also have a shirt you can buy to show your love of evolution and a burning desire to find the true missing link. Get your Ball-licking man T-shirt today. Sarah Palin ordered one for her whole family! Don't let Sarah be a better mom than you, buy a Ball-Licking Man T-shirt today!
And now the Meme. Adam created his own meme. Link back here if you decide to do it yourself:

My favorite age: 32

My best friend: You know, I realized last night it was Pam

My celebrity crush: Jessica Alba, .

My defining characteristic: A belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly.

My most evil moment: Dating a girl in high school just to be mean to her best friend.

My favorite food: yes. Food is my favorite. Hence the belly. Thanks for asking, asshole.

My grossest injury: a recurring Pylondital cyst

My biggest hatred: people that don't do their jobs

My most illegal activity: I am such a wimp. Probably not wearing a seat belt. Maybe sharing ring tones?

My need for justice: I paid a guy to build a barn about 5 years ago. It still isn't built and he's probably up for parole any day now. Oh yeah, no freakin restitution or apology and he did the same thing to people all over the state... right after he got out of prison for doing the same thing a few years before that!

My most knowledgeable field: ok not kidding here... I really don't know! Education maybe?

My life's goal: Financial security

My mother's influence: Too many to mention.

My nerdiest point: High School debate team. But we were a bad ass debate team

My oldest memory: I have vague memories of my great grandmother's house in Stillwell. I would have been about 3 when she died..

My perfect date: she puts out

My unanswered question: Who in the hell can really get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop in three freakin licks? I mean, really!

My random fact: I am named for an uncle that has a different name.

My stupidest decision: Once in middle school I stuck a match tip on the end of my middle finger and struck it along a cinder block wall. I burned the CRAP out of my hand and filled the classroom with the smell of sulfur and seared flesh. Oh yeah and once I took my best buddy's advice on how to prepare for a date. Take a real hot shower then apply cologne to your nuts so they don't smell like your butt. I nearly had to call 9-1-1 over that one.

My favorite television show: I like many: Chuck, Eureka, House

My style of underwear: briefs

My favorite vegetable: squash with Cavendar's Greek seasoning. mmmmmmm.

My weakest trait: impatience.

My X-men power: Slotherine! I can park my expanding ass in front of boxes like TV's or Computer Monitors for hours and hours without hardly moving.

My strongest yearning: To be loved by millions of hot chicks, maybe two or three at a time.

My moment of Zen: Seeing my children succeed. There is no greater feel of total satisfaction.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sadly Odd Day

So I go into work and the Grants Manager is there for the first time this week. She's been sick and home telling me how worthless she is because she can't help at work and she can't help take care of her mother (who's sick) her daughter in law (who just had a baby and has some health issues) or her new grandbaby... because she is freakin sick!!! In other words, whine whine whine.

So I go into her office and immediately dive into the most important things that have stacked up. Which of course is the blog post I wrote last night. Yes a strangely literate post designed to Save the Va-Jay-Jays! It had strong references to the classic Moby Dick and his obsession with the great white whale. All in all Grants Manager told me what I had already guessed. That post sucked ass! It was way too weird and took away from the important mission to Save the Va-Jay-Jays!

Please show your Va-Jay-Jay you care and buy a T-shirt from our conveniently located T-shirt shop.

So then I am late for a board meeting. But before I went, I took a Hydrocodone because my back was bothering me again. Lemme tell ya dude, if you wanna liven up a Board of Director's Finance Committee you need to get the short fat kid lit up first! WOOO WEEE!! I was suggesting those poor girls do ALL KINDS of things to raise money for the needy. NOTE TO SELF: SEND APOLOGY NOTES TOMORROW

Then I go back to the office just in time for my first ever staff meeting where I am the one in charge. Now that I am heading things up it's time to stop pussy footing around and lay down the hammer. We are behind the gun due to short staffing. Everybody is paid way too much so plan on working long days, into the night and no comp time for the time being until we get some wins on the scoreboard! OK Team now get out of the office, hit the streets and form partnerships in your committees! Everybody huddle in and say Pistol Pete on Three... One ... Two... Th... where the hell did everybody go???

Stupid girls don't understand how to make a winning team. They should watch more sports TV, like I do. SO the meeting ended. I sent off a few Emails then went to a late meeting where none of my people from my office went, I signed up youth groups, made partnerships and helped reach the milestones needed on everybody's program but mine. Sigh... the price of leadership.

So I go home tonight to watch the DVD I had rented but never watched. No Country for Old Men. It's a freakin Cohen Brother's movie... you know "Stuck on you"? "Kingpin"? Woody Harrelson was in it! OK let's just say "Buzz kill!"

So I turn off the TV, fire up the computer and sit down to try to think of something interesting to say and I get a phone call. The Grant's Manager's mother died tonight. And suddenly all that matters is her family is feeling the grief of loss. So at a time like this all my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Age of Crisdom

So a couple of years ago I started this blogging thing over at Y2K Survivor. The name was all based off a cartoon I had drawn that went with a class I taught at conferences. I had a collection of clip art I had worked on at the office for the presentation, so, you know, why reinvent the wheel? Right?

Then as I kind of got into blogging, it occurred to me there are a lot of freaky people out there on the world wide internets and I need to protect myself and my family. So I went with the name Y2K Survivor.

But now I have some new digs, and they kind of indicate I step out of the shadow of the old blog. I didn't mind using Y2K Survivor because it was a comfortable transition for those who followed from the AOL Journal. Both of them. One was my Mom. I have to send her a new link everyday or she wont read it. I have to call about four times and ask her what she thought before she will actually do it. She says words of encouragement like "You better never try to put me in a home after reading all this crap!"

ANYhooooo.... I was thinking that I need to cut out the Y2K stuff. My name is Cris. It's a man's name with a manly spelling so shut up! There are lot's of men who spell their name Cris. I didn't pick it out, it was given to me, spelling and all, by my parents. And they told me they picked that name because they always wanted a BOY! So there! And... and... and now they are old so if you make fun of my name you are picking on old people who are uncomfortable with new technology like the Internet. ... except maybe for my Mom who only seems to hate having to read certain blogs. But I need to show the freakin Hits on my site meter or I'll never get rich off of Google Ads!!!

So from now on I am me. I am Cris. Cris is my name and you should get to know me. Chris is a name that is often short for Christopher or Christian. Baby name books say Chris is a variation of Christ. Only there is no H in my name so evidently MY NAME doesn't stand for a damn thing. So there we are, my name is Cris and that doesn't mean a damn thing to anybody but me. But still, from now on, maybe I should just be me. The guy without the H.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Save The Va-Jay-Jays DIYer Guide

OK OK OK there's been a lot of talk about Va-Jay-Jays this month and no action. Well I want to take a look at healthy Cooters everywhere! So everybody pair off and follow the simple directions for better health. Send pics if you take them so we can post them to promote Healthy Hoo-Hoos! OK... Ready....? Set........? GO!!!!


HOW TO PERFORM A BIMANUAL PELVIC EXAMINATION

You will need surgical gloves and K-Y jelly, not vaseline.

Before the procedure, the woman to be examined should urinate, since a full bladder may make the uterus more difficult to locate.

1. The woman lies down with knees drawn up and wide enough apart to expose genitals.

2. The examiner puts on surgical glove, lubricating index and middle fingers of gloved hand.

3. The 2 lubricated fingers in a "pistol position" are inserted into the vagina.

4. Gentle exploration will locate the cervix. It feels hard, like the end of a nose. The 2 inserted fingers are placed under the cervix and held there to keep it firmly in place.

5. With the other hand, the examiner presses down on the lower abdomen. This firm external pressure should locate the uterus. Unusual uterine position, obesity, or lack of sufficient external pressure may make it difficult to find. The normal uterus is commonly the size of a lemon. Although some women may normally have a large uterus, if the uterus you are feeling is as large as an orange or a grapefruit the possibility of a tumor or pregnancy should be considered.

6. After noting the size, wiggle the uterus gently to see that there is no pain when the attached structures are moved.

7. With hands in the same position, the examiner feels at the sides of the abdomen for the Fallopian tubes and the ovaries. When the woman feels a slight twinge, the ovaries have been located. They are almond-sized and should not be hard, enlarged, severely painful, or more painful on one side than the other. The tubes may not be felt, but if they are located they will be soft and about the thickness of a pencil. If they are hard, enlarged, or painful to the touch, something is wrong.

8. After the examination, the women may exchange roles. The examiner may want to draw a picture of what she has felt with her hands during the examination.

Two Weeks left of Uterine Cancer Awareness Month. Go peachy for the "you-know-whats" and Let's kick Cancer's ass!

Internet Tests

OK So I took this test that asked me what I did in the shower. No! It never asked about THAT! It asked what body part I washed first and how I washed and the end result was it was I was a total loser who has no purpose in life but to annoy others. Now while my wife seemed to be in total agreement, it kind of bothered me that I spent all that time filling out their form just to be insulted.

A couple of weeks later I took a test based on the first letter of my name and the results of the shower test were pretty much confirmed, with the suggestion I might have a small penis and will go bald as I grow older. Again my wife seems to think these things are dead on, and begins to search for new tests to see how well they can describe a guy they have never met, never spoken to and never heard about. My daughter seems to find this amusing and I suspect she helps her mother search the Internet.

So I took one the other day where I look at shapes and pick the one I like the most. It told me I was wrong. Then it told me I was horrible in bed, had bad breath and stinky feet.

Again my wife and daughter marvel at how eerily accurate these simple assessments can be since they seem to nail me perfectly every time. Me, I am beginning to lose confidence at work and even stopped the normal romantic endeavors I have developed over the past 25 years... begging, pleading, crying, demanding and finally apologizing. They say that saying you're sorry get easier in time, and it must, since I have to say it before we even go in the bedroom and then say it a bunch afterwords too.

So I took this IQ test last night where I look at squiggly lines and decide what would be next in the pattern. This took longer and the computer finally gave up and stopped loading the pages. I am only assuming it is because I dazzled it with my brilliance. My daughter, who's taking college level Calculus and Physics through the Oklahoma School of Science and Mathematics during her Junior year of high school pointed at me and laughed for the first few pages. Then she seemed to grow confused, then angry before marching off to accuse her mother of infidelity. Oddly, it sounded like that turned into more of a plea, but by this time I was angry at the computer and calling it dirty names. So maybe I didn't hear the conversation clearly.

Now here I sit on a rainy Saturday afternoon. The wife is out, the kids are hanging with friends and I stumble upon a new internet test. This one wants me to to read story lines and decide what I (or the main character) would do next. So my question is, how the hell can I cheat?

Friday, September 12, 2008

Test Your Math



OK I admit it. I swiped this off some other site. And now there is a raging debate within the family. When you Square Money do you have to square girls on the other side of the equation? If so, then the real equation would read that only Square girls are evil. What do you think?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Patriot's Day Pissed Off

You know there are all kinds of topics I think about during the day that I want to comment about, rant over or just toss up for thought and consideration. But then things happen like sick kids sneeze in the same neighborhood where you live, you buy a new cell phone device or feel like writing soft core porn, and these other issues seem to fall to the background of importance. Well, today I am making my stand. This is important enough to me I will forgo watching internet porn and go into the office late (since the Director is out sick) and create this awesomely ubber important must read post, just for you.

First, from the world of high finance: I have not seen any of the blogs commenting on the fall of Fannie May and Freddie Mack Daddy. Sure I am no financial sexpert here, but it seems to me this is something everybody ought to be aware of, pissed off about and questioning what the fuck is going on man!

When Bush took office, over 100,000 LIVES ago, he and his cronies pushed for and got Banking deregulations. In essence, they agreed to scrap the old formula Banks have used since the 1930s so bankers could increase profit off of your hard earned savings accounts. But what Bush and company did was they upped the amount a person could borrow based on income. So that rather than having a nice home and a car as well as food for the family and a workable budget, they created predatory type loans that would seek out the greedy that live beyond their means or try to live off a projected future income. The end result was people who started off with payments they thought could withstand, soon found themselves deeper and deeper in debt, because the numbers just wont work once you go beyond the old formula!

Then they had the added disadvantage that there were MILLIONS of people in the same sinking bankruptcy boat, and that was driving the prices of homes down so that the Million dollar house they never could afford was now worth half as much as they paid. And when I say millions of people, this is not an exaggeration, it is estimated the US Banking industry handed out over a trillion dollars in bad loans. A TRILLION!!!

I want to be perfectly clear here. I have no idea how much is a trillion. I mean it! I have an advanced degree, I have even taught math (again to the parents of those children, I want to apologize, it was wrong of me, I will never teach a subject I don't understand again) I do know that if you grab your basic 6th grader and count every hair on the top of his/her head you wont even come close to one million. You might find lice, chewing gum, spit balls, or indications of a perverted uncle that needs some time in prison, but you will not find one million hairs. In fact you would have to count every individual hair on the head of about seven 6th graders to end up with a million. That, my friend is a lot of hair. How many heads would make a billion? Shocked yet at the sheer enormity yet? I have no idea now hairy you have to get to find a trillion hairs, but there is a chance there are not a trillion hairs in all the public school systems nation wide.

Not impressed? That's because you didn't make the connection Bubba. Are you picturing all the hair we just discussed? Ok now replace each hair on each individual head of all the kids in the national public school system with a one dollar bill. That's how much money were are talking about!

Now let's look at another threat we can face, as a nation over this. We know the dollar is getting weaker. But did you know all your savings are now at risk? Sure you put them in CDs at FDIC insured banks in groups of less than $100,000. But did you know when the FDIC was created they never thought of numbers as large as a trillion? So the FDIC has reserves for a financial cluster fuck, but the reserves are only about 500 billion... or half of what is needed. So when the banks start to fall... when Leymans and others start pitching their tents there will be a run on banks as people rush, like they did in California, to withdraw their life's savings. And more banks will begin to close.

Because your bank doesn't magically produce more money when you collect your 1% interest off of your life's savings. They have to share it with other banks who invest it in business deals that have a formula in place to statistically assure a reasonable return. Yes, your money was sent to Fannie May and Freddie Mack to help make house loans that were handed out after Bush changed the risk charts because his political backers make a percentage off each loan. Bush got his huge political party endorsement, the business dudes make a personal profit and you lose everything you and maybe your parents ever saved. Fair trade, right? That's what these guys are all about, fair trade. Don't you feel it was a fair trade?

Oh the kicker on this deal... As we find out about all the improprieties and the need for the US Government to seize both lending institutes we find out the executives at both Fannie May and Freddie Mack got Multi-Million Dollar buy-outs for the remainder of the CEO Contracts. And IF the institutions can be saved, it will all be on the tab of the US Tax payer. Toss it all on the deficit! That huge bill that is mounting right now because of mismanagement and ill advice from greedy inside advisers. How much is that 2.4% interest rate on your CD worth? Do you still think YOU are getting a fair trade in this deal?

Now quickly on sports. I want to discuss Vince Young. I saw this guy kick ass while at Texas. He is maybe the greatest athlete I have ever seen next to John Elway. Don't get me wrong, I have never been an Elway fan, but there was no denying he was the best athlete in combination of skill, poise, and ability to win. I saw Vince Young pick up a defeated Texas Team and by sheer will win the national championship. AT the time it looked like he did it single handedly, carrying the exhausted and outplayed Longhorns on his back.

Vince has had a hard transition into the NFL. This league is hard for anybody, but Vince is with a new and fairly weak team. He won rookie of the year his first year in, and he took his team to the playoffs last year. But the Al Gore state freakin boos him even when he wins!

I know, I know, oh big deal the multimillionaire has bad words tossed his way. But it is more than that. This guy is still a kid. He's probably less than 25 years old. If he was my kid, he would probably still be covered by my health insurance as a dependent. He is facing all of the stress and challenges we all faced in becoming adults, but he is in the spot light 24/7 because he can run and throw a ball.

The stress is too great for most hardened adults. Vince Young, with winning credentials behind him is considering walking away from football. He is near the end of his rope. The stress and the realization he can't do it on his own based on his physical abilities is about to do him under.

We hear all the time about the stress we place on kids for athletics. We assume we are talking about kids with overbearing parents or coaches. But here, the monsters are the fans and the press. Yeah, the monsters are the ones who love the game. They are all placing an undo amount of pressure on a kid that NOT ONE OF US would think twice about if he was living in his parents basement, playing video games and smoking pot. It just ain't fair.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Plague of Bugs

Two weeks ago a panic spread through the community faster than rumors of an illicit affair between well known citizens. Bacterial Meningitis had been found in a little four year old girl in my children's school system. The following day the school released a flyer on all the ways Meningitis can kill your child, their siblings, and everything you love because the kids might have swapped some bacteria at the water fountain, on the bus, playground, or lunchroom.

My kids are older and only my son rides the bus in the afternoon. There was almost zero chance they came in contact with the little girl. They might have been in contact with people that had been in contact and you can bet your ass NOBODY washed their hands, but kids will be kids.

Then my co worker shows up to work Monday saying the famed words, "Oummm Sichhhhh" At which point she touched everything in the office we need for work, licked each of the spoons and the outter rim of all the coffee cups before taking a two hour nap. Shre woke up, swallowed all available decongestants and left right after losing her lunch. Before the day was over she texted that she was at the doctor's and he gave her several scripts for bronchitis. "I wonder if you might be my first flu case," he said to himself as he walked away and did not take any samples.

"I think I am getting a cold from the gay boy in my class," my daughter said referring to the kid that dumped her twice last Spring. She then fell into a full blown cold.

"My chest hurts and my throat is full of gunk" said Jr. this morning. After a full day of work I get home and was informed, "Well, I just threw up everything I had to eat all day." He looked at me for what I could only assume was affirmation (you hurled better than any 8th grader ever could!) then coughed four time in my face and walked to his room like survivor dragging his battered body into the final mile of the Bataan Death March.

Me? I started taking double doses of Zink and Echinacea and even tried one of those air born alka seltzer things. Have I ever mentioned I hate being sick? Where's my fucking plastic Bubble?!! I want to be a bubble boy! Really, I'd be cool with it! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Gotta Post Quick

Yes the old quickie. That bit of instant relief we often resort to after a long day of work and a need to get on with other business. This my friends will be your quickie. I promise to be swift. Like the wind. .... no the other kind of wind.... like you feel outside... you know the breeze. Weirdo.

In this total debasement I plan to take you in a quick rush of passion and need. Forcing you to rapidly surrender your resistance and give yourself totally to me. Before you even realize it, you will be laid naked and bared before my most obvious desire as I plunge my hard driving prose into you again, and again and again. Until finally you scream out like a tightly wound coil feeling the sweet release it justly deserves.

As you sit there glassy-eyed and gasping for breath, trying to comprehend the totality of the onslaught that left you spent and quivering in your favorite spot, I will caress you tenderly. I will gently brush the hair back behind your ear and ever so sweetly kiss you with promises of more to come tomorrow.

Or maybe I'll fall asleep and start to snore.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Blue Teeth

So I got a wireless hands free device to work with my Motorola cell phone. What I bought was a Motorola and it seemed like it should work fine. Only it didn't. It creates an echo, it's hard for others to hear me and if they can hear they can't seem to understand.

I have to press it into my ear with one hand so that I can hear the people on the other side, and I have to cup that hand so that my voice is directed to the microphone in the piece of crap device. Which has me wondering, "If I have to hold my hand up here all the time anyway, why don't I just use the freakin phone?"

So the other day a guy I work with was walking out of his building. He clipped on a bluetooth and I asked him about it. "I push a button and it is just like I am on the phone. I push another button and it shuts off and I never think about it. I can't imagine driving without it."

Son of a BITCH I hate hearing that!! That means my amazing Internet buy sucks ass! I tried to save a little face and told him I got a Motorola off an electronics web site (I left out it was called Amazing Third World Electronics) and was surprised it did not perform better.

I was met with a blank stare, like he was thinking of all the things he would rather be talking about than my Motorola knock off Bluetooth. Then he shrugged his shoulders and walked away, saying over his shoulder as he disappeared around the corner, "I don't know about that. I went to Radio Shack and bought the cheapest thing they had."

So that's what I did tonight. I have let it charge all through the Green Bay game. Now it's too late to call. Damnit I'm like a kid at Christmas!!

WTF?!!

MSNBC Drops Olbermann, Matthews as News Anchors - Washington Post
from Google News


Dallas Morning News
MSNBC Drops Olbermann, Matthews as News Anchors
Washington Post - 1 hour ago
By Howard Kurtz MSNBC is removing Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews as the anchors of live political events, bowing to growing criticism that they are too opinionated to be seen as neutral in the heat of the presidential campaign.
MSNBC says Olbermann, Matthews won't anchor The Associated Press
MSNBC Drops Olbermann and Matthews From Election Coverage Anchor Roles Broadcasting & Cable


OK so Fox News is proud that the majority of their viewers think WMDs were found in Iraq. That Iraq was responsible for 9-11 and that Waterboarding is not torture. But MSNBC has anchors that are too opinionated?!! OMG Bill O'Rielly won.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Invest In Tomorrow's Va-Jay-Jay Today

Ha! Bet you thought by the title I was going to be all smart ass and talk about how you need to buy a reasonably priced, high quality, IMPORTED, T-shirt, didn't you? Well, I probably will before this post is over, but that is not the real purpose.

Nope. I wanna talk about Gardasil. If you don't know what Gardasil is you either have your head stuck in the sand or you don't have a daughter between the ages of 10 and 18. See Gardasil is the name for the human papillomavirus vaccine.

There! That alone should be all you need to know. Now go out and SAVE THE VA-JAY-JAYS!!

What... ? You still don't know what the hell I am talking about? Well then let old Uncle Cris tell you a few facts he copied and pasted off Wikipedia. Human papillomavirus (HPV) infection causes nearly all cases of cervical cancer. Cervical cancer is the second leading cause of death from cancer in women world-wide, and the leading cause of cancer-related deaths among women in the majority of developing countries.

The National Cancer Institute writes, "Widespread vaccination has the potential to reduce cervical cancer deaths around the world by as much as two-thirds, if all women were to take the vaccine and if protection turns out to be long-term. In addition, the vaccines can reduce the need for medical care, biopsies, and invasive procedures associated with the follow-up from abnormal Pap tests, thus helping to reduce health care costs and anxieties related to abnormal Pap tests and follow-up procedures

OK Copy and Paste time is over. Here is what I know. If you have a little girl over the age of 10 and you haven't haven't considered starting her on Gardasil, you need you ass kicked and your kids taken away for neglect. Yeah! It's THAT serious! Right now public health people are estimating that about 50% of all women have this nasty little bug. And wanna guess what..? 50% of all dudes have it now too. So, sending a kid out into the world with the car and the clothes and the cell phone and all the things she needs to be all that and a bag of chips don't mean a freakin thing if she gets killed by her own Va-Jay-jay. End of lecture.

I will say we took our daughter to have her series of shots. I went from town to town as the health department people talked about the shots and local ministers said the shots were evil because they promote promiscuity. Uh.. I am a VERY protective father. I REALLY DO threaten all boys that date my daughter. I am a monster and I push a strong Abstinence agenda in my house. But I am not stupid! I know at some point, WAY IN THE FREAKIN FUTURE she will have sex. And since I am not stupid I also know that 50-50 odds will never be a safe bet. So my little daughter has the braces and the car and the education and the cell phone and the gardasil shot.

Because really... what Daddy can deny his baby girl the things she needs?

Oh yeah, when your little darling completes her third Gardasil shot, you should celebrate the event by giving her a "Ball Licking Man" T-Shirt.

Poor Little Wan Lo Ching

There is a little boy about 8 years old in China. His father was killed in some village skirmish involving animal sodomy and his mother is forbidden to work because she had three children in a country with very strict baby regulations. The house is full of Uncles, Aunts and cousins that are all starving because only little Wan Lo Ching is able to make enough money to feed them.

Wan is no longer in school because his hunger kept him awake all night before testing for academic aptitude tests when he was 6. Thus he was designated as a worker. Ching get's up early and walks the four miles to the small textile factory where he will work a grueling 12 hour shift. He gets no breaks, they never allow him to eat and if he does not keep up a steady pace he will lose his job to one of the other 4 billion Chinese kids that wish they were as lucky as little Wan Lo Ching.

Ching does all he can and at the end of the week he makes enough money to buy two loves of bread and a paper cup his family can share. They drink water from the stream that is just down river from the sewage plant. They take turns drinking from the paper cup and by the end of the week the cup is in tatters and the bread is moldy.

Today Little Wan Lo Ching got bad news about the textile factory. The wealthy American investor said sales were not as high as he expected. He anticipates shutting the factory down and laying off the workers. He calls it American Downsizing based on economic supply and demand. The factory is famed in all of China and India for making high quality "Ball Licking Man" and "Save the Va-Jay-Jays!" T-shirts. Regardless of quality, regardless of the need to survival for the family of Wan Lo Ching, the factory will close if sales don't increase. Thus is the plight of a poor child working in a immoral sweatshop in a developing nation. Wont you help little Wan Lo Ching?

Get a "Ball Licking Man Fever" or "Save the Va-Jay-Jays!" T-Shirt today.

eh... about them Vay-Jay-Jayss....

First Peach is the color is you want to save Ute ruses and Teal is the color to support kicking Ovarian Cancer's ass.

Second... I don't see a teal color option

Third... I have to change my tag to a Uterus... but that is anatomically closer to my monthly slogan of a va-jay-jay so the T-shirt stays the same.

Fourth.. For all of you that wrote me privately to tell me I don't understand a woman's private parts and Ovaries are not Hoopty-doos. Point taken. We are now all about saving Uteruseses. Blogger.com doesn't provide a teal color.. Or I don't know what teal looks like any more than I do a real live Va-jay-jay... So Please join me in thumping Uterine cancer's ass and punch it right square in the mouth?

OH YES I DID!! I went ass to mouth right here in front of you! Why? Because it is THAT important. ....and maybe it's a guy thing.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Guilt Abated


OK So it turns out a short nap and Saturday Afternoon watching OU football seems to make guilt vanish like Wild Turkey erases stress. Thus you were not assailed all day by silly little posts involving mundane observations. Nope I have been storing them all up for a long enjoyable recap of the University of Oklahoma football game... because I KNOW how you love that game.

I'm KIDDING!! Sheeesh! Okie's get jocular when our semi pro team wins. (Yes I went to OSU and I graduated from OSU and I work for OSU. But when you want to enjoy a football game where your teams kicks another team's ass... then around here you gotta watch OU.

Hey did you notice the old blog looks different? A good friend of mine that just came through a scary episode of Ovarian cancer reminded me September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. I am soooooooooo happy that modern medical science has progressed (EVOLVED to you freakin Republicans) to the point we now have survivors. But you know, the odds of beating this stuff are not all that good, even yet. So take a sec and paint everything peachy for September. I may work on a T-Shirt to sell for the cause that I can market with my "Ball Licking Man Fever" wear. How about "Save the Va-Jay-Jays!"? Maybe just show the flower off a Peace Lilly for a graphic?

I Didn't Post Last Night

SO I missed a night. No, I was not busy, nor out of town nor unable to reach my computer. In fact, I was here, in my little computer room doing what I do every night. The thing is, I was not in a good place to communicate last night.

Too many things happening that range from tragic to trivial. Things that there is no way to describe that can express the utter futility or frivolity of the situations and yet those situations, those things, are still happening and evolving and will run their course. Let's just say, that for last night's opportunity, it all became a bit overwhelming and it was not a good time to post.

Now the guilt sets in. Like a pounding surf that precedes a storm at sea. Wave after wave comes crashing down upon me. Always surprising and terrifying in sheer power and totality. I feel trapped, gasping for air as I am tossed about helplessly by the full tidal mind-fuck of guilt over missing a single freakin post. A task I accept not out of obligation nor profit, but for the simple satisfaction of joining in on the conversations of life. And for that I feel battered and bruised, my sleep is haunted and disturbed because I miss a voluntary action?! OH how the Mrs. wishes I reacted the same when I forget to take out the trash or leave a bit of laundry on the bathroom floor! Damn you all powerful Internet! Damn you for controlling me so beautifully in or private, nasty little S&M relationship. You bastard.

So, I'll probably make several posts over the weekend in an attempt to supplicate the Internet Gods that wreak havoc over the lives of simple unread bloggers. NOTE TO SELF: Interesting that Blogger.Com doesn't recognize the spelling of the word BLOGGERS

Like you, I sure hope it will be interesting.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Not Going to Avitable's House of Horror

OK so I found out I can't go to the party of the year AGAIN! Really I knew I wouldn't be able to go. This is a special time of the year for my family. For years we helped run one of the largest spook trails in this part of the state. I have taken my kids out in the deep scary woods and scared the crap out of customers for $5 a head for years!

Yes I know that's too damn cheap. But the people who worked the thing wanted to provide a show that entire families could go to, and in this tasty neck of the woods, that means you gotta build it good but you gotta do it cheap. SO rather than run a day or two... they ran that freakin show ALL month in October! It was a killer and I am kind of glad the property owner stopped the show.

But it built great memories with the kids and all their friends. So now we have our parties where the kids invite friends and we make a little fire and they roast hot dogs and sit around and visit and listen to music and carve pumpkins and make smores. They chill as kids should. It's when they just finished the first quarter of the new school year and time to take a break before Dad... eh.. the school ... starts kicking ass once more.

But yesterday I got even bigger news... big to the point it drove the final wooden steak through the heart of my hopes to go to Avitable's awesome Neverwas Fair. My Uncle will celebrate his 10th wedding anniversary this Halloween!! And in honor of the horrific event he is throwing an all out Avitable-like party with costumes, and music and dancing and games and it is right next door to the town's spookhouse where he will take all the kids. It will be awesome.

I told him I already have a costume in mind. I want to wear a gorilla suit and drink until I pass out in a box full of ice. Then I will the Bigfoot body found in the mountains!! But on second thought... then I would miss the spookhouse so maybe I need some ideas. What would be a good costume for a round shaped short bald headed man that would befit a 10th wedding anniversary horror fest? Any ideas for Mrs. Y2K?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hospital Intel Lacking

Ever have a family member in a hospital and NOBODY will tell you what the fuck is going on?!! I have had reports today that my mother had some type of mental melt down, possibly stroke to bad blood sugars. Mrs. Y2K has been there all day and I called several times last night and not once have we talked to a freakin doctor. What's worse... Mom has EXCELLENT health insurance! And this is the best hospital in the state!

So in honor of my day of medical dark ages, where no clear information was gleaned....

Here's a cartoon!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Community Care

I do a lot in my community. It's not because I am a great guy or am all that civic minded. I do it because it is my job. I mention that because I really admire the people who take time to give freely to their community. They do it for their neighbors, their kid's friends, or maybe because some dude volunteered when they were a kid. regardless of what caused their lapse of judgment, I really appreciate all the help we can get!

Now let me clear up another thing. Just because I get paid to work in my community doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I don't want a better hometown. It just means if I had a different job, I probably wouldn't take the time to do any of the things I do now. I admit this freely and with more than a twinge of guilt, but it is the truth. In spite of this glaring deficit in my personality, I am still asked to participate with several community groups.

One of the big items is a fund raiser. You want to know some things about a fund raiser? OK, never solicit donations in a small community between September 1 and January 15. Starting in September every organization with kids will send forth their grubby little minions to beg, plead and guilt the citizens to put up money for crap they don't want or don't care about. So when you show up, all bright eyed and eager to save the world, you are going to hear about the FFA Sausage sale and the Girl Scout cookies and the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and the Football club and the Band kids, and the Jr/Sr Prom committee and the whatever the hell else is out there milking Grandma out of her last fixed income dollar.

The one exception MIGHT be a Halloween spook house. But they are a lot of work and the ROI is never what you want it to be, unless you can find volunteers to run it for three weekends straight. Anyway, that's a service and services can always make a return, but they might not be worth the effort.

One of the most solid standbys as a service for fund raising is the special meal. Here in Oklahoma, a big draw is always Indian Tacos. We don't have to be politically correct, we are the fucking Indians so fuck off. Another is the basic Hot dog or Hamburger cook-off. Chili is a big draw among our local rednecks, although the consistent winners are always the CEO of area agencies. I suspect it's because they can afford real meat from a cow, where as the rest of us just use what's found along the road.

So I am now getting the feel for this fund raising business and I now have the perfect low cost, big return plan. See, we wrap it all around a meaningless holiday. Not one where people have to spend time with family, but where they can go do something fun instead. So I propose we have a Highly Romantic Night where Love is in the Air with our Brown Bean and fried cabbage Sweatheart Dinner next Valentine's Day!!

So.... how many tickets can I sign you up for?

Monday, September 1, 2008

I gotta go Labor

It's Labor Day and I have to work. I said I would march in a parade this morning, but that just wasn't going to happen. My back has been in bad shape after Jr. had to nearly carry me in the house after the day I showed him what real work should look like. I have spent the remainder of the weekend on the sofa, moaning and pleading for small favors like fluffed pillows, cold soft drinks with hand crushed ice, somebody to please, for the love of God, Dustbust the crumbs off of me after I eat snack foods. Oh yeah, and bring me more snack foods because I have a physical injury.

Well, these assholes around here don't seem to have the slightest freakin clue on how to care for the disabled. You know I even had to go to the video store and rent the movies myself?! Then I laid around and watched them because nobody else would take the time to help a guy in mortal pain. Sheesh, by the time I got back with trays of Buffalo Chicken snacks, chips, dip, and tray of bitch beer and a variety of diet soda, they seemed to think I was cured or something.

So there I am, all alone, except for Jr. who got ungrounded from watching movies so I could have somebody take out DVDs and put new ones in the machine. Did Mrs. Y2K sit on the sofa with me, stroking my swollen and inflamed body parts until they went soft and flaccid under her caring touch...? HELL NO! And trust me... I suggested it A LOT.

Nope, there I was, probably suffering from heat stroke, ruptured spinal disks and those engorged body parts the Mrs. refused to want to touch, and it was like a freakin act of Congress just to get a refill of Diet Root Beer. Oh well, tonight the Chief of Police in the town down the road called and wants some help at the city Labor Day celebration. He's a good guy and always willing to help me. So I am glad to help him.

I wonder if he would be willing to bring me an ice cold diet Root Beer?