Saturday, January 31, 2009

Politics Makes Me Sick

Yup you heard me. Politics makes me sick. Why just today I was given a dossier of my worthy opponent in the 2008 Okie Blogger Awards competition and her deplorable business of selling false hope with empty promises. And I am not talk about the regular run of the mill campaign promises that other candidates (like myself) have made but never intend to fulfill. No I am talking about The Redneck Diva promising to grow hope where nothing positive has ever sprung before. Shame on you Diva for making those promises and Shame on you fellow Okie Bloggers for thinking I would sling this kind of mud in a close close race of respected bloggers.


While the Diva seems to have a staff that is running out of control in soliciting big time marketing opportunities that can be raked in after winning an Okie Blogger Award, I still respect many of her business efforts. Her action figure market is really enviable and lucrative enough I have a team of attorneys (my cousin in his spare time) looking into copyrighting the image of all things short, fat and bald. So while I am disgusted by her Breakfast food chain, and don't like having hotdog breath all morning, I really admire her line of dolls.


She is complicated but I guess as long as she stays out of the T-Shirt market we can both continue to live in this state... assuming of course I win. Otherwise you KNOW this state ain't big enough for the two of us!

Disgruntled American

WARNING: The following post is not funny. It is a rant that will offend and piss you off. If you do not enjoy being offended and pissed off about the status quo, please skip this post.

OK so far I think Obama is a disappointment to the country. I seek the cleansing power of retribution upon crimes against the American people. I want Alberto Gonzales, Scooter Libby, Donald Rumsfield and others stripped of all worldly possessions and tossed into a Gitmo water boarding prison cell without the benefit of Habeas Corpus for falsifying information leading to the invasion of Iraq, war profiteering, obstruction of justice, violation of the open meetings act, torture, and crimes against the constitution of the United States of America. I still feel our biggest terrorist attack was not prevented by this group of opportunists but perpetrated by them.

Obama will never do anything like that, and they will walk away free and leave the door open for a following generation to do the same. America will endorse the same corruption that has felled other nations since the beginning of time. The laws of our nation not only do not apply to all citizens equally, they are not even given the illusion of equality. I believe this glaring lack of equality is a threat to our future.

Obama will not intercede and force changes on the pay scale of executive and Wal Street moguls. Once again we see the disparity in our nation of equals where men of great wealth are not bound by the same rules. Many, simply by birth right have advanced to these esteemed positions where they are capable of exerting influence of great levels of incompetence to wreck not only the American economy but the economy of the world. I believe with all my heart that Russian Prime Minister Putin is an evil evil man. But I also believe he is justified in pointing out American greed and indulgence is the root cause of the world economic disaster. Without making changes to this system we can not expect to retain our position as the world leader.

I have said for years that all I want is the same fairness in government as we expect from the commissioner of Football or Baseball. To date, Obama is not providing nor pushing for that fairness.

In the past half century I have seen a change where nobody trusted the stock markets following the Great Depression, to where in the 90s many people became mini millionaires from retirement trust funds. When the money rolled in the greed started. Businesses were shipped over seas so the bottom line looked better for investors. Stocks never paid dividends because companies never really made a profit (except Microsoft) other than on paper, which showed inflated increases in value so the company could resell for the benefit of stock holders. This manipulation of the markets by fictional paper worth lead to many mini disasters like the Savings and loans of the 80s the dot coms of 2000 and now the mortgage loan business where a trillion dollars in debt still looms over the heads of home owners. Home owners that will still suffer foreclosure regardless of economic bailout money to the banks... because the banks have a different set of rules and Obama has no plans on changing the rules.

The other day my neighbor called. She sells for Edwards Jones Investment. Last year I bought into an IRA for the first time, since it would save a bit on taxes and provide more in a retirement plan that I could ALSO use as college money in a couple of years. Oh yeah, and the trust account IRAs will make way more than the 1-4% interest you can get in a CD at the local bank. AT least that was the sales pitch. My neighbor asked if I wanted to add another $3000 more to the pot since the rules changed to allow more money for old folks like my wife. But there were problems. First of all, we found out last year that AFTER I had invested the money with Edward Jones we made too much money and could not deduct the IRA. That was NEWS to us that came after the fact. So we locked $4000 into a tax deferred account that we can't access for 20 years and now can't even deduct from our taxes. AND to make matters worse... rather than gaining the 10-15% interest mentioned in the sales pitch... we lost 25% of the initial investment! And now I am asked to toss in another $3000. Do you see the lack of confidence? How do I invest in my future? If I go with the CD then the bank gets to use my savings for almost free while lending out on loans I would NEVER risk.

On the other hand there is no way to have a real tax deferred program for say a child's college plan. Our current state plan allows for maybe two or three thousand a year per child, but once the kid turns 18 the whole wad of cash is theirs to spend even if they choose not to attend college and the adult has no control over the cash. Even investment planners say to NEVER use that program. So the end result is I will pay taxes on all the money I want to use to invest in my children's future that will, in essence go directly to the Government anyway. Where is the incentive for investing in a child's future? See, I know that I drop all visible signs of support when my kids graduate from high school, will they get a free ride to college. Is that truly the American way? Stick the Government with the bill even though I SHOULD be able to do it myself? Did you know my father has said MANY times he would pay for the full ride to college if he could get a tax deferment. He would rather invest in his grandchildren that want an education than spend more on an economic bail out that rewards people for making bad business decisions.

On the other hand the current system means I can drop my kids from my health insurance, and MAKE them visit at least once a month where I hand them an envelope of un-tax-traceable $100 bills to help defer housing costs. Maybe the current system is designed to create stronger family ties. Like my kids wont find us an invaluable part of their adult lives anyway.... HELLO! Free babysitting!

Hey, I think that thinking these things makes me disgruntled! How about you?

Don't Forget to Stop by the T-Shirt Shop

You want an Opprobrious T-Shirt? We have the store that fits your every need from Wonder Weenie Male Enhancement Breakfast Cereal to the fashion trend that captured America, "I have Ball Licking Man Fever."

And Now Opprobrious Enterprises is proud to introduce our new line of fashion called Nypnosis!! "Stare Deeply Into My Eyes" My Ass!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Great Mysteries

1. The Location of the Treasure at Oak Island
2. The Popularity of Reba
3. Why nobody has noticed the lack of Superbowl Hype this year
4. What happened to Jimmy Hoffa
5. Why I can feel dead tired, go watch 2 hours of TV programming and feel refreshed

and last but not least

6. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Mrs. Cris

So Mrs. Cris has been around for more than a half a century and today is her birthday. She has accomplished a lot in her life, Bachelor's degree, marriage, children, a master's degree, a full career switch and she now works with me all day for the college, then teaches classes at night for another college plus helps run a small property investment business she inherited from her parents. Not to mention the full time job of taking care of me.

Mrs. Cris's real name is Lydia. There I outed her. She will just have to deal with being regarded as a celebrity by my (almost) tens of fans. The thing is, we have been together for many many years now and we are never thought of individually but as a couple. It is always Cris and Lydia this or Cris and Lydia that. Except when she and I are together, then all attention turns to her. And when I say all attention, I mean all the empathy, concern and sorrowful support as people look at me and say "poor Lydia." The Fuckers!

So Lyd (that's my nick name for her) So Lyd started coming down with a cold this week and today has been moaning such words of enlightenment as: "I want to die" and "I can't believe I got sick on my birthday!" In fact she has said it so often it occurred to me while across state at the main campus today... "Oh yeah... it's her birthday! I should get her something!"

In times of crisis Wal-Mart has always been there for me. My lovely bride was sick and aging and I needed to find a present that represented my enduring love and price was no object as long as it was under $15. And needless to say... Wal-Mart failed. I walked round and round that brand new Superstore and never saw one item that said, "Lydia has to have this!" I mean I looked at all the new tools, the new electronics, the action movies and video games and nothing screamed her name!

Sure I saw some things I could have gotten her that I would have liked... heh heh... but the question is, what would my wife Lydia want? And then I had the answer. So tonight, wrapped in thoughtful Wal-Mart sacks, I gave my sniffling bride a sick basket. Boxes of Thereflu, throat losengers, cough drops, blueberries, 7-up, crackers and zinc. I got her a paperback copy of the Twilight Book to read while recuperating plus a promise to take the family out for a nice dinner once she is able to taste food again.

Surprisingly... I am not sleeping in the car tonight.

And Now.... A Word from our Sponsor

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Driver Ed

The news is reporting that over 1,000,000 people are without power due to this ice storm. Based on the number of hits on my blog the past couple of days, I am assuming you, dear reader, also lost your power. It's a bad deal, holed up in the dark, no source of heat for food or comfort. Trying to keep the children engaged and put on an air of confidence that your frozen bodies won't be discovered in a few days.

Luckily I have had no such problems. Plenty of fire wood, never a blip on power, even have enough propane to ride out the bad roads. Little Crissy thought she had to go into work today. She begged and pleaded with me to allow her to drive on the ice. The answer is a firm NO. She tried the defense that she was an excellent driver, and my return was for her to look at her car. Gashes in the rear fender, torn bumper and a totally destroyed wheel cover are just the testaments to her ability that I know about. Noooooo, for now, I will do the ice driving... and I will do it in the cheapest car we own... just in case of an accident.

So we pile in the car and I chip all of the ice off of it. The car is frozen to the ground as if it has a Denver Boot attached to it. But with persistent rocking I was able to bust out of the ice pack and we were on our way. We live about 5 miles out of town. I am giving her a steady stream of instructions as I inch down the road. Never stop, avoid your brakes, slow and steady gets you there safe. A small mistake and your car is off the road, and all too often upside down in a stream, filling with water as you are trapped in the seat belt and crushed metal. You will either drown or die of hypothermia long before help can arrive. Yes, as a driving instructor I am a bright ray of sunshine and hope. You get that way after you lose a young driver in your family.

So we make it to the semi main road. So far we are skimming over solid ice. There are some ruts, but they are frozen so if you have to move over for traffic you will spin out of control. On the semi main road the ruts are a little wider, a bit of bare road from time to time but still only one lane and as hard as... refrozen ice. At this point I asked what her boss said when she she called in to work. Then I began shouting because she had forgotten to call in to see if she was even needed! Grrr.

Turns out she was not needed at work in a town where no sane person would try to drive on this ice. The next question was, since we had started, was there ANYthing important we needed to get? And my daughter told me she needed a glue stick. A GLUE STICK! "How important is it that you have that today?"

"Well it's my school project and a grade."

"And it is so important you are willing to risk wrecking your car, which can spin out at any moment or get hit by somebody else that spins out? Once you are without this car, I do not get you another one. You are simply without a car." Oh yeah... the cheapest car we have just happens to be her car. ON the plus side, it has all new tires.

She thinks about what I told her and then asks, "How likely is it for that to happen, I mean really?"

I am stunned, "Likely enough that I am mentioning it to you. Likely enough that I think it is not safe for you to drive so I am driving you. Likely enough that all the schools and colleges in this area are not only closed today but will be closed tomorrow. AND it will grow even more likely within the hour as what little melt we have had will refreeze. It's THAT likely!"

My daughter decided she could make her presentation and do the final glue up tomorrow. After the roads melt enough for safer travel.

New Additions


Well I figured with the nation digging themselves out of the current winter storm, they might as well keep on digging for Science. I had a lot of requests for additional Ball Licking Man T-Shirts so I made a new design to capture the popularity of our quest to fill in the missing link of the fossil record.

For those of you new to the blog, last summer Opprobrious kicked off a hunt for a Hominid with an elongated trunk that would allow him to lick his private parts like most other animals. It is the belief of the collective brain trust here at Opprobrious.blogspot.com that for a brief shining moment this creature existed here on Earth. Unfortunately, we believe it quickly became extinct because it was able to lick it's own privates and therefore never bothered to reproduce. Opprobrious has offered a $10 billion dollar economic stimulus package application form to the first person to discover fossil evidence of this caveman that probably never left the cave.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Quality Time

So just before the ice storm hit, Jr went down to the video game store and bought him a Ninja sword game for the Wii. It must be great fun, because he has been in front of the big ass 40 inch plasma screen playing it non-stop pretty much since he got home. He was even complaining of how tired his arms felt from standing and moving and sword fighting all day, then all night now all day and all night again. Poor kid.

He gets those games, then looks up "cheat codes" on the internet until he can play his way through every level. Then he loses interest in the game and sells it back at half what he paid. But see, it occurs to me, he doesn't have a freakin job so he is really buying all these games with MY money and that means THIS is a call for TIGHT-ASS DAD!!

Faster than a speeding coupon clip out, I dash into the den and assess the situation. I find I can simply turn off the Wii and tell him to do something more constructive. But logic tells me if I start making him help around the house, MRS. CRIS will feel I should work too! This is unacceptable!

I could limit his ability to log on the computer, which would limit his access to cheat codes, but that would mean I would have to pay attention to him and what he does all day. This is unacceptable!

I finally decide the best approach is to add a new layer of difficulty to his video game. Grabbing a throw pillow off the sofa, I smack him in the mouth, knocking his glasses all wonky on his face and taking him totally by surprise.

"Hey!! What did you do that for?!" he demands with a bit of anger in his voice.

"Oh... you know... just trying to add to the excitement of the game. New level of difficulty, get it?" I reply.

"No I don't get it!" He bellows at me

"SMACK!!" the pillow catches him if full huff.

"See? I think it helps. It's like a rumble pack... only with pillows." I tell him with a grin. "Go ahead, keep playing and see if you can win now."

"Quit it." he growls from between clinched teeth. "Quit it, I'm not kidding." I might or might not have been patting him on the nose with a fluffy pillow as he was expressing his wishes. "THAT'S IT!! I'm telling! Mawwwwwww-OHMMMMMM!"

The the overly indulgent parent enters the room and does her best to keep me from making a man out of the boy. But this hasn't ended. Those games are expensive and the frugal thing to do here is slow down his learning/cheating curve. SO I bide my time, content in knowing something he doesn't know.

Mom falls asleep early. Real early.

SNOW DAZE

The state is closed. The whole freakin state! No work, no school, basic services are on auto pilot. We are not digging out from under feet of packed in snow. Nope, we have about a half to one inch of ice. A solid slick sheet that makes it impossible to walk, drive, stop, or move. The trees are coated the high lines are coated.. everything is coated is a solid, unending blanket of ice. A little over a year ago we survived an even bigger ice storm, so we should be OK with this one.

The video below shows a bit of what it looked like. But even now I drive across the state and see the broken trees and shattered buildings and other signs of total devastation. As tree limbs collect ice the weight increases to the point the wood snaps and large branches fall (I had a tree literally torn apart as branches from all sides ripped the trunk right down the middle) then when the branches go, they often fall into power lines and rip the vital source of power from entire neighborhoods.

The worst part is it happens to every house, in every block in every town and all places in between. It is a solid sheet of destruction that shreds by the sheer enormity of the storm. Last year we had families huddled in cold houses for more than a solid week. Bundled under blankets in total darkness to keep in body warmth where there was no other source of heat, power and often food.

When the storm passed the entire state was covered by a solid wall of wooden debris. Neighborhoods in Tulsa were behind piles of branches and limbs, stacked in front yards. The City and County lacked the resources to remove the debris which grew into a greater fire danger. The city eventually granted homeowners limited rights to burn debris in town while turning vacant lots into chipper stations. It took over six months to clean up the mess. During the clean up you were at risk on highways when inexperienced locals would lose truck loads of limbs and materials all along the highways. FEMA denied any help to Oklahoma. That was the last time we had an ice storm... until last night.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Because I'm a MAN! Damnit!

So the other day I am walking into the congregational dinner following services at the First Presbyterian Church. One of the congregation members peers at me from around a cluster of others milling by the door and is giving me a funny look. Finally she asked if I wanted my coffee mug filled.

My wife sings in the choir. Following the service she met us at the pew, grabbed a few things and told us she would meet us downstairs. Then she looked at her purse and other assorted collection of wifely crap in her arms and looked at me for help. She knew that if there was any way to keep from it, I do NOT want to carry her purse.

Why? Because I am a man, damnit! Men don't carry purses in Oklahoma unless they want to get their ass kicked. And I kind of like our church and the people that go there, so I really did not want to go to a Congregational meeting and asked to have my ass kicked by the fellow church members. So I took the coffee mug.

Did I mention the coffee mug was bright pink with flowers and rainbows and Thommas Kinkade-ish cabins and lights and.. well.. it was pretty girly. So I immediately knew I was in danger of an eminent ass kicking. "Heh heh" I forced a weak chuckle. "It's Mrs. Cris's coffee eh... cup. She eh... asked me to .. uh... Well I am no where near secure enough in my masculinity to drink from a Pink mug! Honest! Really!"

I think the church ladies gathered in that room could smell the fear as well as the sincerity of the final statement. I was allowed to place the cup on a table on the far end of the room, away from all the men, and rejoin the group. Sure I tried to butch it up a bit to cover the embarrassment of getting caught with something girly that was not, in fact, a girl. So I scratched myself, belched the alphabet and challenged my old high school teacher to pull my finger. Luckily the meeting started just before that poor old lady fell for that old gag.

The point is, I am a man damnit! And while my wife (like most other people) refuses to read this bog, I feel I must make a stand. I need to clearly define some deal breakers here that would rob me of the illusion of a rough and tough 5 foot four inch middle aged man of action that may or may not be afraid girls will beat him up... again.

While I have no problem in watching movies where people die (in fact the number of violent deaths has a direct correlation to the enjoyability in my opinion) I REFUSE to watch a movie in which you are led to care about a character that will then die. No to: Beaches, Old Yeller, Brian's Song, Million Dollar Baby et al!

Do not ask me to help you shop for bras. I don't care if they are for you or a family member. I am short, fat and bald, and people point at my once mighty chest and snicker while mouthing the words "man boobs," all too often for me to temp fate by holding up bras in Wal-Mart.

Look from September to January I watch football. I only want to watch a game on Monday night, usually one game on Thursday, a College game or two on Saturday and three games on Sunday. Most of the College games are over right after Thanksgiving except for the bowl games and the Pro games dwindle down after Christmas. After that there is nothing left for me to enjoy in life until next September. You know... except for internet porn, on-line poker, sailing, and hanging out with my buddies.

One more thing. Not only do I not enjoy Home Shopping Network, but the screeching sound of the voices of the chicks on that channel make me want to commit crimes of violence. OH yeah, and we BOTH know that you saying that YOU can watch that crap and NOT buy what they are selling is like ME saying we can watch porn and I wont want sex. You know why? Because I am a man, dmanit!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

How I Saved Our Nation. Singlehandedly

Me: (Answering cell phone) Hello, this is Cris.

OBL: (Screaming) I will rein down death upon you and all your children for 10,000 years! I will dance upon the desecrated graves of your children. You shall pay for the...

Me: ...uh hello? Is this a recording? If this is a fucking recording I am hanging up. I don't talk to freakin machines dude.

OBL" Wait! Don't hang up! I am not a machine. I have called to warn you and your nation that you will suffer the fate of all infidels. Allah will smite you with his mighty hand as...

Me: Are you a telemarketer? I don't take solicitations over the phone. By law you have to take me off of your calling list if I request it.

OBL: I am not a telemarketer you Imperialist asshole! I am the thing you fear when you fall asleep at night. I am the face you see when you wake up screaming. I am terror and I am unstoppable.

Me: (shouting to wife in another room) Honey... I think it's your mother on the phone!

OBL: I am no woman, you cowardly swine! I am the world's greatest terrorist. I am Ossama Bin ... eh... Smeeeth.

Me: Did you say Smith? Still sounds like a telemarketer to me.

OBL: No! Don't hang up! I am not a telemarketer.

Me: Then what do you want dude? I might have free incoming calls on this cell phone, but I am in a fight to the death over the Okie Blogger Awards. I don't have time to waste on meaningless crap.

OBL: Okie BLogger Awards..? Doesn't Redneck Dive win those every year?

Me: She has til this year but I'm going to... How the hell would YOU know about the Redneck Diva?

OBL: Look when you are holed up in a freakin cave, hooked to a dialysis machine and surrounded by 5,000 fanatics that smell of Camel dung and hummus... You end up knowing all of the funny blogs.

Me: Oh yeah..? So you probably read Opprobrious too?

OBL: Fool! I have no idea what that means! The only thing Opprobrious around here is YOU!

Me: Yeah, figures you never heard of it. Hey what did you call for anyway?

OBL: I wish to target America's most beloved treasure. What is it all Americans love the most? Tell me and I will not stop until it is no more than a smoldering hole in the ground, devoid of all humanity.

Me: uh... the first thing that comes to mind is Bill O'Rielly and Fox News. I believe all Americans love them the most.

OBL: Then prepare to lose all that you hold dear! (Maniacal laughter was the phone goes dead)

Mrs. Cris: Hey I thought you said that phone call was for me.

Me: (unconcerned) Yeah she hung up. I think she had a cold though.. her voice sounded higher.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Movie Night

"I went to Super Video and rented 5 movies for the night!" Jr exclaimed into the cell phone as his mother drove him home. "You want to guess what I got?"

OK I could not guess what he had, but we did have fun Saturday watching Tropic Thunder, Hellboy II, and Mummy III. We also enjoyed Mrs. Cris getting outraged and leaving the room when the comedy turned blue in a few places. The bad part was where I show my age.

No I knew all the actors, that wasn't the issue. I have trouble hearing when actors talk... when ANYBODY talks in a whisper. It is a frequency I simply can't hear. It also seems to be what actors today think is dramatic or talent or whatever the hell they think, but to me it is inaudible.

The end result is me sitting in the den, looking at our big ass 40 inch TV with one hand cupped behind my ear and asking, "EH...? What did he say? What did she say back to him? What was his reply?" And I hate guys like that at a movie... but I can't hear the damn thing and I think Jr got frustrated because he finally turned on the closed caption function of the DVD.

OK here is the part where I can't see to read from across the room, even with a big ass 40 inch TV.

Oh at the end of the Mummy movie there was a tag that said something like "three years later, mummies were discovered in Peru." Jr read this to me and I started laughing because I had been thinking the next sequel should be about Peruvian Mummies. We then discussed the Andes and that turned into a discussion of the Mayan Doomsday Calendar which predicts the end of the world on January 22, 2012. So we did a little ciphering and decided the world would end just about the time he gets the restrictions off of his driver's license.

And now we know the catalyst that will lead to the destruction of the world. My son driving.

Birthday Wishes


This is the season for Birthdays! My friend Britt just marked off another one, my buddy Adam is dealing with the frightening prospect of a birthday. My good friend Jayme, has one in a few days and the end of the month marks a big one for my wife. Then we still have my son turning 14 on the 14th. It's a big season for Birthdays, and to show how much I care, I made all of you a special cake.

Maybe I should dedicate this coming week to Celebrating Mrs. Cris having a birthday. That would be nice... since I have no freakin idea what to get her as a present.

AND of course the Redneck Diva has a birthday in here too. HAPPY Birthday to all!

Friday, January 23, 2009

IRATE

OK I saw a pic of Janet Jackson where the press was displaying her as a freak for gaining weight. I am a bit pissed off over the whole thing. I have written two different posts on it, and deleted both. Finally, I think I have decided to go to bed and read a book. I soooooo loath today's media.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

A little on the Environment

So let's talk a little bit about the environment. Sure it's a touchy subject in the summer, because a bunch of Northern pussies can't stand the heat. See they think that if you pollute you will destroy the earth. Evidently if you allow garbage to build up it will unbalance the planet and send us careening into the sun. They call this global warming.

Well I don't believe it! You know what else I don't believe in? Carbon footprints! As I understand it, following a briefing from my trusted advisers at Reynolds Lumber and Hardware store, a carbon footprint is based on the carbon gases you cause just by day to day living. But see, here is the deal, it ain't gas that causes footprints, Gas causes skid marks! Hell everybody knows this. So that ought to tell you them brainiac know-it-all scientists that Yankee Liberals are always talking about don't know crap about basic life functions, which is, in essence, Science. And you add all that up and reach the conclusion SOMEBODY has no idea what they are talking about.

Therefore I live life like a Real Oklahoma American. Happily tossing garbage out the window of my Cadillac Escalade (Donated to me by my friends at Shell Oil)with the air conditioning running and texting ideas for this blog. SO there you have it. life with other bloggers involves driving itty bitty uncomfortable cars that could get you killed in an accident while trying to hold in your gases, or you can live free and Opprobrious.

Opprobrious stands with other Great Oklahomans like Tom Coburn and James Inhoff. We don't listen to horror stories from pin-headed PhDs. No way, we do our own thinking!

Why Vote Opprobrious?


I have simple beliefs that represent Oklahoma. I believe you should kill the crooks, stop abortion and have the right to bear arms.

Opprobrious understands Oklahoma values.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Today In History

So Lost came back on tonight. Mrs. Cris showed up about 15 minutes late since she had been in choir practice. She demanded to be brought up to date on what had happened. Then about three times in telling her what she had missed, she would grow impatient and grouse, "I can't keep up with this show!"

When we started watching the show again, every time they switched scenes she would become irritable and say the same line about not being able to keep up with the "stupid thing." After the third or fourth scene flip she got upset and left the room, complaining about the show being confusing. The kids and I shared a moment where we all kind of thought that watching Lost was like going to college. Sometimes that just isn't an option for everybody. ...on the other hand... none of know what the hell is going on that show either!

Today was Obama's first day on the job. Regardless of some fears I have heard, the economy is no worse than when he found it, the World's image of us is not any worse and black people have not been declared superior and all white people turned into slaves and/or victims of poverty. I can only assume this means he has failed to meet Republican expectations.

Finally, in case you have been living under a rock in the deepest part of an underwater city landscape...and if you have... that would be SO cool!... but IF you haven't been living under that rock, then you have no doubt heard that somehow this blog was nominated for an Okie Blogger Award.

Yes, you heard me! Somebody, I don't know who, nominated Opprobrious as the most humorous blog in Oklahoma. I have to say it came as a complete shock, and I am not even sure if I knew they still held those Okie Awards anymore. I mean, it just came out of the blue when I was notified by the nominating committee.

ALRIGHT DAMNIT! So I have been checking Okiedoke every 10 minutes since the nominations have been closed. So what if I started a blog called Cris's Mom's Blog just for the purpose of getting nominated! The fact is I am here! THAT'S RIGHT BIZ-NITCH! I am a contender. Other bloggers now know to fear me like Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers, or that guy with the number 3 on his car or Debbie Gasaway, the chick who beat the crap out of me in the 3rd grade. And the fourth. And the sixth. Yeah! That's me!! Respected by fear. The fear of being crushed under weight of my media empire as provided by a free blog service and the power of a Mother's love for her little boy.. even if she might not be aware there are things on the internet in her name, per say.

So I went onto Okiedoke and checked out the competition. Oh yeah, I surfed around and checked out the other blogs in MY catagory. And while I would really like to say this competition is in the bag... there's some REEALLY funny stuff out there! Sheeesh I even had to comment on a couple. I highly recommend you check out the best Blogs Oklahoma has to offer this year. AND if you just happen to be an Okie blogger....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Not About Obama

OK So today was freakin historic and America ushered in a new day of hope, idealism and fairness. Today was a day all men are equal rather than all men of worth. Today was the day everything changed blah blah blah. RIGHTTTTTTTTT. I'll believe it when I see it.

But until then I am not going to pin my hopes for tomorrow on a guy I never met and that has no interest in even knowing who the hell I am or what I do or where I live. He can do his job, I will do my job and if neither one of us fucks up too badly, we will live in perfect harmony without ever coming into personal contact or conflict with the other. On the other hand, if I screw up, HE now has the responsibility to either guide me back to the straight and narrow OR to bust my ass before I can do further harm.

Out of professional courtesy, I should try to do the same for him. In the coming days he will screw up, as will I. I hope to be redirected to where I can do good and everybody prospers. I would hope that I would listen to sage advice and make necessary adjustments. I would hope he will respond the same. If I fail to listen or make corrections, I fully expect to be removed from my job. He should expect the same. That is America.

But I won't talk about our President. That is not the purpose of this post. No I wanted to tell you about my day, at my job, where I work to save the world (preferably before 5:00 p.m.)each and every day. Today I went from office to office and found co-workers listening to Internet Radio, watching streaming video and actually huddled around TVs. Watching the inauguration.

Now maybe it was because I didn't feel good. Maybe it was because my back was killing me and I had a ton of work to do before I left for a full day of meetings, but I kind of lost it. "What the hell do you think is going to happen here?" I demanded. "You think after two full years of campaigning, hundreds of millions of dollars, all of the lies, personal attacks, life on the road with total strangers; all for one ultimate goal... and what..? You think they are going to ask him if he will assume the responsibilities of the Office of the President of the United States of America and he might say 'No!'??"

Oh sure I got several responses that were blatant bullcrap. "We are watching history unfold." On the state's dime! "This is historic, not only is he the hope of the future but no more Bush!" I heard all of these responses and none of them justified ignoring work to watch a ceremony on TV until the new chick fessed up the real reason. She looked up over her computer monitor and sheepishly admitted, "I heard he could get shot!"

And there we have it. America loves the little guy, the under dog, the dude that takes a beating but just wont stay down. America loves football, cold beer, and it turns out they love Inauguration speeches for the same reason they love to watch NASCAR. God Bless This Glorious Nation.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Urgent


Mike over on Okiedoke said there was a screw up on his blog and somehow all of the nominations you guys made for Opprobrious to be the most humorous blog in all the Universe (or Oklahoma... whatever) and you might need to re-enter them.

Time is running out. Click the link and vote for your favs. I know I did, and NO, you can not nominate yourself and it is wrong to pay others to do it for you. Mike is playing this all very close to the vest, so we don't even know if Opprobrious or Redneck Diva or The Daily Bitch have even been nominated yet. What we do know is Mike has a bad server and that means it MIGHT be possible to rig this election!

Yes my friends at Diabold Email and Blog Host Server Systems have assured me that there is no chance they will make the same mistakes they made with McCain back in November. Does this mean that YOU should not go HERE to nominated Opprobrious? HELL NO!! Remember, some crybaby whiny-pants losers tend to demand recounts and investigations and want rules and laws enforced. So it is always better to have a legitimate nomination or two tossed into the mix. It makes the political spin so much easier on down the road.

Nominations close tomorrow! Now is the time to act for change. Change is always good, and THAT'S why it always disappears when you take it out of your pockets at night. If you want Change, VOTE OPPROBRIOUS.... and vote often!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Redneck Exposed

My friends, as there isn only one day left for you to make your nominations for the 2008 Okie Blogger awards I want you to know some truths about my opponent and her shocking campaign of half truths and misleading information.

First of all, she was not declared the First Lady of Blogonia Oklahoma. However, I hear she was named as an individual given a warning for driving with excessive speed. Which is, as you know, against the law! So then this convicted law breaker goes out and starts claiming I lack morals and discretion simply because a few of my campaign funders have had an oil spill or two. It's like my friends at Enron used to say, "You got to have it before you can lose it and poison the environment." Which translates to , she's just jealous.

But then the line was crossed when I started enduring personal attacks that affected me and my professional image. The other night when I was out at Braums Ice Cream and Dairy Store with my three (professional dancer) nieces, I am almost certain the Diva snuck into my house and replaced all of my clothes with identical matches only one size smaller. And while I might normally think slipping Viagra into my daily bowl of Male Enhancement Breakfast cereal might be a good thing, it is NOT when you are reading Billy Goat Gruff to Mrs. Airington's Second Grade class later that morning.

Finally, I suspect the Diva of participating in foul play. Yes my friends, I have noticed a considerable silence from Monty over at the Daily Bitch. At first I thought she was just running the normal Fred Thompson type of campaign... you know, collect all the funds with the intention of losing so you don't actually have to work..? But now as the nominations are drawing to a close and Monty remains silent, it all seems way too convenient for last year's front runner.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Quick Note

We are home. A quick trip across state to wish old Pee Paw a Happy 67th. We go to take him to his favorite restaurant and show him another wonder of his new Satellite HDTV system. For the past several months I have asked if he had DVR and he would bark "I don't need any of that crap, all I want to do is watch some Bull riding or boxing!"

While Jr snuck off to the other room to watch Cartoon Network on the old TV, he found hours and hours of pre-recorded shows of..... wait for it...... Boxing and Bull riding and Porter Wagoner shows. My Dad is as tough as an old boot. He shattered his entire right side from the collar bone down and spent two full weeks in the hospital just trying to regain the strength to stand. He never made a sound when they yanked the chest tube out of him. He told the Physical Therapists to "get the hell out" of his room because he was tired of "fucking with them" anymore... and that was with an epidural IV of pain meds just so he could breathe and about three feet of garden hose stuffed around his lungs.

I am telling you he is one tough cookie. But when he saw he had nearly 25 hours of his favorite boxing, bull riding, and poker shows recorded and waiting on him to watch... well I am not sure, but I might have seen him tear up just a little.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Marital Competition

I have not been sleeping well this week. It is not nerves or stress or too much caffeine. I am just having a bad week of sleep. I am not tired, I am just as active if not more active, but I am not getting my pillow pounding time. I am sure it will all catch up to me tomorrow night when I drive across state after work.

But last night was exceptional. See, I started reading a new book and I got too into it so I was up too late AGAIN. Then I had a fire roaring in the den because there was this massive cold front and I am a cheap bastard and the Propane cost about $450 last month whereas the firewood was free... so the bedroom was really cold compared the back of the house where we had a fire.

Then once I got to sleep (possibly because my wife demanded I turn off the lights) I kept getting woke up by my delicate bride trying to roll up in all the covers like a cocoon. But in the past 28 years I have learned a trick or two in the domestic war of the roses. See, I learned in winter, a smart husband will tuck himself in on one side. That way, when the she-partner tries to roll and leave me bare ass naked and freezing, I have a built in stop.

Now she jars me awake (but does not snatch away the blankets) and in my confused, sleep befuddled state I hear her bitch about being cold. "So go turn up the fucking heat and let me sleep!" I politely suggest in my brightest "good morning Sunshine" voice. That generally pisses her off enough to go back to sleep and leave the covers alone. But last night it happened over and over and over all night. And what was worse, if you were not bundled up it REALLY felt cold in the bedroom. Finally about 5:30 I got up and found out our furnace had stopped working.

Can you say "Brrrrrr?"

Oh yeah, and I got some family pics in Email and I want you to look upon the blogger face of the future!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Desperate Times Desperate Measures

Snooze News!!

OK big news is, we are headed out on a road trip this weekend. We will drive across state to hang with my Dad for his 67th Birthday. He has had a rough health year, the only year he has ever had any health problems, and we hope the last year for a long long time.. I mean... the last one in a way where he lives forever kind of thing. As a result my daughter with her first time big girl job can't walk away from the workplace and will stay home alone and unsupervised. Yeah, I know, that's exactly how she got pregnant. I know! It's what my mind has been screaming at me too.

So the other day I drank my usual 4 travel mugs of coffee, which is equivalent to three cups per mug, and settled down in my car and listened to NPR all the way to Stillwater. About a 2 hour drive. But today I read that if you drink in excess of three cups of coffee a day you are bound to hallucinate, and I clearly drink three times three cups a day. So now I am wondering, did I really listen to two solid hours of engaging news and discussion, or maybe I just thought I did!

Then there were the teenagers that every boy dreams of dating and every old man wishes he had. They got all caught up in sending naked pictures of themselves to the boys in school and life was cool! That is, until one of the geniuses forgot to turn his phone off in class and the Principal starting flipping through the pics of the confiscated phone. Yeah, the Girls were charged with trafficking child pornography!

Finally, the news that should make me a shoe in for the Okie Blogger awards!! Sam Bradford has decided to return to OU for another year of football! That means the top three Heisman candidates of this year will all be playing another year of football for free! ...unless you plan on becoming a college ticket holder. Then maybe the term "FREE" might not apply.

Marking Time

OK I am at my office killing time. It is past quitting time but one of the employees started a software download on a new computer and we were afraid the University computer services would mess up if we walked off and left it. So, since I live nearby, I volunteered to stay and babysit a computer while the others went home. Naturally, since it is not MY computer, I said I would sit around and watch porn and the others can take the fall if it is ever found out on the hard drive.

So here I sit, a perfect opportunity in front of me and what am I doing...? BLOGGING! A good buddy was telling me the other night that I was getting too little sleep, missing too much of life and it was all because I feel a need to try to post daily. I don't think of it as an obsession... but right now I have this perfect window for watching porn and here I am wanting to share the news Ricardo Montalban died. AND... the fact that I thought he had been dead for at LEAST the past 5 years, maybe more!

So now I ask you, is it an obsession, or is it professional discretion that makes me choose blogging from work rather than watching porn at work? Yes, I too say discretion. After all, it's the financial manager's computer I would be using. Nope since I am on HER computer and we are told everything you do on a computer is saved to the hard drive for life... AND I am wasting my time here in the office WAY past quitting time...I think I will search Craigslist for "Donkey Show."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Just Checking In

You know with all the craziness of the Blogger competition I kind of fell out of touch and I thought maybe I should use this chance to just, you know, catch up with what's going on with me. You know, bring you up to speed with the old Cris... uh.. er... ok I can't really think of a cool nick name to make out of Cris. Maybe that's why I never had a cool nick name.

My daughter went out and got a job all on her own. I know it is not a big deal to you, but she is so empowered and proud of her accomplishment she can't hardly stand herself. She will waitress, or buss tables or cook or something. We don't know yet, but we do know it will cost me at least $50 so she can buy food worker's clothes. All this so she can buy her own gas.

My son's voice changed. Like happened to me, his voice changed over night. One night he was a sweet little boy and the next morning my own voice was coming out of his head. And just like when I was an 8th grader, I could talk to my father and my grandfather and only hear one voice. It's cool, sad, and for him another sign he is growing into a man. I have every reason to suspect he will be a much better man than his father, and to think, you read about the first steps when his voice changed.

My son is, like his father, a little thick around the middle. My wife says I am also think in the head, but that does not seem to apply to him... or at least not until he also gets married. At great urging, he took Vo-Ag at the local Middle School. He has enjoyed it, but for the past couple of weeks the Ag teacher got pissed off at all the talking and made the boys run laps around the barn. It did not take too much talking to start the middle melting away from this kid and he is becoming a tall, lean, muscled up deep voiced video playing machine.

He is getting in good shape so quickly, my Aries birth daughter is now thinking about taking up running. She is always working to beat the battle of the bulge (while drinking Ranch Dressing out of the bottle) so we might have the beginning of an Opprobrious track team.

My wife taught a class on child development last fall. She enjoyed it so much she is teaching three more classes this spring. The pay is pretty darn good but I am trying not to spend it for her on home improvements... so she can pay off her credit cards. But I would really like exterior french doors and hard wood floors in the den and dining room. Then I would like new counter tops and a kitchen floor and new master bathroom floor and .... ok you get the idea. I like to reinvest in our big investment.

MY Dad sold off his farm and ranch business. He is in full swing retirement and never seemed to work harder. He has gotten rid of nearly everything but the horse that threw him and put him in the hospital for two weeks. He is determined to ride that thing out of spite. As soon as he has healed enough to actually crawl back on. The big news is, with the price of oil and gas rising, Dad had two oil wells drilled on property where he owns all the mineral rights. He had big dreams of oil royalty checks of $10,000 per month per well... then the price of crude dropped and his Oklahoma oil baron dream seems to have ended.

I am pretty sure he thinks if we only had four more years of George H.W. Bush he would have had it made. .......hmmm... I wonder at what age it was when I stopped hearing the same voice when we spoke?

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Goodbye Cruel World

So I have this buddy and he has been watching all those documentaries on the end of the world. You know the ones, there are the Nostradamus Prophesies, and of course the Mayan Doomsday Calendar. Modern day mathematicians have concluded the Mayans studied the stars and were able to predict great events in the course of history. The thing about their calendar is, it has an end date. December 21, 2012. Modern day goobers now think Nostradamus also predicted the end of the Earth in around that same time frame. Well, at least the modern day goobers interviewed for that stupid documentary.

If this freaks you out and you have to stay up to date on it all, please go here, as there is now an electronic countdown for the Mayan Doomsday prediction, sponsored by a swim suit company. Yeah, you can't make that shit up, so go check it out.

So what to do in the days where the economy is falling apart, you have lost faith in your government, you doubt your religion and China (land of the Mongols) seems to be buying our nation right out from under us? MY friend is a bit freaked out. He will lose sleep over this and obsess over it and tell the tales to all who will listen about the impending doom that is about to befall us all. Privately, the two of us agreed if the end were really near, we either needed to decide to get more religion or more sex in our lives. ... but not with each other. HONEST!

Now, after much introspection I have created a newer, better master plan. A plan that provides insurance, care and stability to all, should there ever be an unfortunate occurrence of the foretold "end of every-fucking-thing" event. My plan will provide peace and fulfillment to all, as you sit along happy little babbling brooks in lush green fields, surrounded by those that you love, or that you always wanted to love. I can provide a climate controlled utopia that will be sustained until the third of fourth coming. Your fears shall be washed away from your troubled mind as like soil from your body.

All you have to do is start your weekly payment plan to "Cris's Opprobrious Plan for My Future" at Crisquest2@aol.com, and soon, you too, will feel that relaxed calm that only comes from thinking about Doomsday and talking to Cris.

Opprobrious Endorsement

After a long hard day of pretending to find the dead and decaying bodies of mythical creatures, Fake Bigfoot hunters everywhere need a blog they can sit back and relax with while pretending they read. Sure they could go to popular sites and look at pictures of the family dog on DOOCE, or they can find a Blog that truly represents an Oklahoma point of view.



For these reasons and more:
FAKE BIGFOOT HUNTERS SUPPORT OPPROBRIOUS FOR THE 2008 OKIE BLOGGER AWARDS

Saturday, January 10, 2009

SHOCKING ACCUSATION!!

My friends, I have recently received evidence of campaign fund raising efforts by one of my opponents that is so heinous, so deplorable, it defies all that is good and wholesome about these great Okie Blogger Awards.

Now I am not one to point fingers or name names in a political contest but REDNECK DIVA seems to have no such scruples in her quest for statewide domination of the Most Humorous Okie Blog title. Just this morning, I found a grease stained gunny sack on the front porch of my trailer house, next to the dog food bowl and between the old refrigerator and old furniture I still might decide to use someday. Inside that grease stained gunny sack I found this:

I think the evidence speaks for its self. There can be no doubt that Redneck Diva is taking advantage of the weakness of the fragile male ego (male bashing if you think about it) and using this weakness to coerce a highly influential population into buying a product based on pure vanity.

Whats worse, I know for a fact the product does not work! I tried this so called, "Male Enhancement" cereal and could not distinguish any difference in grip or heft. I call upon the Redneck Party to get control of your candidate and stop preying upon the weakness of men with inferiority complexes, like myself.

This is yet again, a prime example why Okie Bloggers should vote for Opprobrious for the 2008 Okie Blogger Awards!

Friday, January 9, 2009

STUFF

So do you know these guys? They have to have all the bright and shiny things. They have the best stereo and the flashiest car and they have the bestest, baddest, coolest crap ever? Have you met that guy? DO you know him? Are YOU that guy?

You know the guy who feels special because he is driving the new car that costs more than he can make? He treats others like they are not as smart or as good as he is because they don't have all the bling he shows off all the time. He is boastful of his this or his that and he shows off the bright shiny things that caught his eye and he decided he could not live without because he deserved it. He doesn't care about economic futures when there is a new coat or new shoes or a new TV he feels he deserves. His pay check is carefully measured out so that every dollar is accounted for and allotted to various payment plans. As long as nothing goes wrong, nobody gets sick or prices never change. He feels proud he can plan that close.

And it never once crosses his mind that others see him as a mindless puppet of every salesman that decides to make him their bitch.

Yeah, I want to be that guy.

Opprobrious Sports





Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Word on OU

I know, I know, the International appeal of Opprobrious means that a majority of readers will not only have not watched the BCS Championship game between the Oklahoma Sooners and the Florida Gators, but they won't care about the outcome. I, on the other hand am an Oklahoman. And in most instances that should be all you need to know. Reporters joke that news papers are mostly wrapping for the sports pages that deal with football, because in Oklahoma football is EVERYthing.

Once again OU played for the National Championship. Once again they lost. They were in the five yard line twice and blew the opportunity to score. The Heisman winning quarterback threw two interceptions. The defense failed to hold when the big stand was needed. Once again my state feels no joy in being the second best team in the nation. They take no joy in a great year that produced an amazing team with yet another Heisman Trophy winner. No, the entire state feels like a loser because OU lost the last game of football and around here, football is everything.

I would like to say the team was not out-quarbacked, in spite of how the Fox announcer team seemed to have a man crush on the kid. Tebow did a great job and this is not sour grapes. Their team was the best out there. BUT OU's quarterback Sam Bradford did an outstanding job. His two interceptions hit his receivers in the hands with seemingly perfect placement and perfect touch. But they failed to clutch and the defenders took the ball away on the bobble.

The worst part is that will be Bradford's final memory of his home state. He won the Heisman, there is a need for young talent in the NFL and he would be foolish to risk injury playing for free when he can now make millions by turning pro. I wish he could stay here and play his final two years of eligibility, but pretty soon we are going to hear if Sam decides to go or stay. Either way, I think Sam and the boys did a fine job and I thank them for another great year of Oklahoma football. Because, after all, in Oklahoma, football is everything.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Opprobrious Commercial

Stimulating

So there I am driving two hours to Stillwater for a full day of interviews. I have NPR cranked up and a bladder full of coffee. Then this guy calls into the Diane Reems Show complaining that the banks all got bailout money but nobody was helping him with his mortgage he can't pay. This pisses me off and I go into a rant... which would have been WAY more effective if I hadn't been alone in the car... about how the bailout was never supposed to protect the country against a depression or a recession or any kind of economic "set back." The Bailout was supposed to safeguard the basic infrastructure of the American Economic system... just keep the banks solvent so we can eventually recover.

Personally I think the banks should have failed, banks from other nations would have bought the mortgages for pennies on the dollar, a new class of American wealth would have been created and capitalistic life would have gone on as usual. But we didn't. We bailed out the greed merchants who dug their own hole then we filled the hole with our future incomes. Yeah us! We saved the Billionaires so they wont have to get real jobs on real incomes! Hip! Hip! Harrah!

Then the auto guys came to Washington because they went broke making gas guzzeling, greenhouse gas belching monster trucks for soccer moms. Even after the world saw the energy price crisis that happened when voting machines voted a couple of oil men into the Presidency.

Now, every self important yuppie wannabe that spent every cent he/she could get their hands on because they qualified for the loan is going to want somebody else to pay for their crap they could never afford in the first place. And it's time to say "BACK THE TRUCK UP!"

See, even if the Banks had spent the money where it needed to be spent, so they could support the infrastructure (rather than using it for European investments) we would still have the mortgage crisis that is now looming. So the banks are solvent IF there is a run, and future tax money that hasn't been earned from jobs that haven't been created, has been spent for the next century. Our children's children will still be paying off the debt of GW, but thank God he killed off all the terrorists. ...huh? He didn't? Well, at least he got the guy who bombed those building! ..huh?

OK so now we have this new guy. He's going to make everything better but he still wants to fight those pesky terrorists and cut taxes and spend money that hasn't been made, saved, earned or provided by jobs that don't exist. And now this stimulation package idea is sweeping the nation! People think they no longer need to pay credit card debts, house payments, car payments, nothing! And if business slows down, there's another package coming your way, just point out you loaned your brother in law $20 a few weeks ago and NOW you are classified as a bank and can fill your pockets with Stimulus money!

Did you know even the most stimulating business is looking for a stimulus package?

Go ahead. I DARE you to go back and click that link. heh heh

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Opprobrious Poem

Opprobrious Support

Playing Poker


Me: I'm in

Next Guy: I'l raise $20

Dealer: Cost you $20 to stay Cris.

Me: :::::thinking about it:::: I'm not sure what I want to do here, I'm afraid you have me beat.

Next Guy: Well I'll show you my cards.

Me: That WOULD help a lot!

Dealer: He meant if you call his bet.

PETA Does Not Support Opprobrious


Cris just thinks Alicia Silverstone is hot!

QUICK NOTE

Hey a few days ago I was checking out the competition and I saw one of them had a slick little sitemeter. Now the one I found off the winderful wild world if internnets was full of promises and high tech graphs and really smart looking things... but I never could remember my password and I think I installed the wrong code. So as you can guess, it was full of bugs, which I totally blame on the guy who made the site that gave it to me for free.

Yeah it was kind of like herpies but it never effected my love life. Although I think I am curently in what could be called the love after life. Yeah, it's THAT dead.

ANYHoooo I added a new counter the other day. It looks like Opprobrious has several new viewers and I wanted to welcome you to the party. Please don't be disturbed by the shockingly low number on the sitemeter. That is less than a week old for a blog that is less than a year old, so I feel pretty darn good about the number of hits that are here.

So, in closing, I highly recommend checking out other bloogs and stealing as many ideas as you can get away with!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Not About The Okie Awards. HONEST!!

I know, I know, you are sick to death of reading about the Okie Awards. I know, I know, you think it is all uber intellectual indie bullshit where one egghead seeks the affirmation of another egghead. And I totally agree with you!

But Mike over at Okiedoke made a post today about how well the nomination are going. He said he has had about 75,000 blogs nominated so far but he had to throw a few of them out because some bloggers nominated themselves. Thus I assume Redneck Diva and The Daily Bitch nominated themselves 74,998 times. I say this because I know I nominated my friend Nina and I am positive you nominated me.... right? RIGHT?

ANYhoooo, Mike said he was thinking about expanding the categories for the Okie Blogger awards to where it included best photo blog. And THAT'S when I got to thinking that this blog could qualify for that category! I mean think about it, I have posted cutting edge, Norman Rockwellesque pics of traditional holidays.

Encouraged social activism



Redefined history and started a new fashion trend


And I have been known to dabble a bit in the semi nude art world


I'm telling you, the more I think about it, the more I think old Mike is working full time to promote this blog.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Miss Understood

OK OK OK So maybe it is time to clear the air over here about some nasty things that have been said regarding the 2008 Okie Blogger Awards. First of all, like any good candidate, you have my word I will never go negative on my opponents. I think it is cowardly and disgusting, and negative campaigning is completely against everything I represent.

Now I understand how some people might point to this blog and see a couple of attack ads directed towards Monty of The Daily Bitch, and then maybe there was another one aimed towards The Redneck Diva. All I can say is that I totally agree with you on the reprehensible nature of those ads. They were baseless and unfounded rumors and I have nothing but the utmost respect for my worthy competitors for this year's award.

Unfortunatly, when you become a big time popular public icon, you have certain groups that file for 501C3 tax free exemption and create a media blitz in your name for your benefit BUT WITHOUT YOUR APPROVAL! No, I don't condone such tactics but I seem powerless to stop zealots with good intentions. It is just another one of the failings of the current system we have now, with Redneck Diva the current office holder. I have dispatched agents on my behalf to talk to these FOO Fighters, but they seem to be an independent group that is fixated on what they feel is best for Oklahoma.

I would also like to clear up a few other issues that have been attributed towards me. First, I never claimed Redneck Diva had sexual relations with midgets! What I said was I thought her husband was taller in person. Unfortunately, those words have been taken by my opponents and twisted to sound like an ugly hateful attack. My friends, that just never happened.

On the positive side, I must say the campaign fund raising efforts have been going pretty good. I had no idea the Whale Lobby was so interested in Oklahoma Bloggers, but hey, if there is ever anything I can do to help those beautiful creatures, I say, "Just gimme the chance!"

We also hit the expected support of big Oil. And I am expecting another big check from the Financial world at any time. I recently read in the Hightower Lowdown that the CEO of Citibank got a federal bailout that was 12 larger than the Auto industry received, and this $300 billion went to just one bank. Plus, while the Senators were huffy about the $75 per hour GM workers made, they never questioned the $108,000 per hour the Citibank CEO makes at $216 million a year. OH yeah, as G.W. Bush said 8 years ago... that's my base!

The end result of all this playing with numbers is, my friends, you can be assurred of an exciting campaign as we bring good old Oklahoma values back to the most humorous section of the Okie Blogger Awards.

Opprobrious Endorsement

Wherein I Rant on TV

Dear Tim Kring (Creator of TV Show HEROES)

As you probably know, Redneck Diva supports widespread illiteracy and has no problem with your show... hence her failure to complain to date. I, on the other hand, READ TV Guide. I see that many people think your show blows mighty chunks this season, nearly as mighty as last season, where you were given a free pass due to the writer's strike. In letters to the Cheers and Jeers, I see retards try to defend your random good and evil tv show players. I will make no such token gesture of the indefensible.

See... Let me 'splain to you something I like to call Character Identification. If you have a character that you have shown us to be good and have virtue and values, you need to show a bit a fidelity in the representation of said character. See we, the American viewing public, have vested several hours of our free time trying to follow your lame-ass story telling efforts. Let's take Nathan for example. If Nathan proved he valued family, country and the greater good in the past two seasons, it is INSULTING for you to portray the current change. It is not unreasonable for Nathan to have a political disagreement with his brother Peter. That seems inevitable, as Nathan leans Repuglican and Peter seems to want help others, which would make him a Democrat. BUT it IS Highly unreasonable for Nathan to want to kill Peter for said political disagreement. That extream level of unreasonableness is why your show is sucking up NBC on Monday nights and killing off my most excellent Chuck buzz.

Timmy. Baby. Listen to me dude... STOP BEING A FACKTARD AND FIX YOUR SHOW.

Sincerly,
The entire writing staff at Opprobrious

Friday, January 2, 2009

FOO FIGHTERS

Redneck Diva has stated she feels all Oklahoma Farmers and Ranchers should stop working the land because they might disturb the existing fossil record of our great state.



But then family farms and ranches that have been supporting this great state for generations would collapse and fail due to Diva's selfish and ill thought out plan.


Sorry Diva, Oklahoma Bloggers don't like the smell of what you are cooking.

This message was provided by the Friends Of Opprobrious (FOO FIGHTERS)

Stumble Bummed

This is crap man! Yeah, yeah I know I used a bad word. What the hell are you going to do, report me?!! Evidently it's too much trouble for you to do that on Stumble. You KNOW what I am talking about. You load Stumble on your computer and when you see websites that you like, you click the thumbs up. The when other web surfers see your recommendation on a search engine, they know it is worth their time to click.

But I just did a Google search of "Opprobrious Blog." This website was listed quite well... but there are no Stumble marks. What the hell man?!! Am I the cheap date you pick up after the frigid chick you took to the movies and filled with McAffordable meals, refused to put out? Oh sure, SURE, I'll still preform. But it is more for my benefit than for you, so... alright so I need YOU more than you need me. I can deal with it. I can accept my lot in life.

I am the double bagger you pick up with promises of cheep beer and a ride in the car with all the windows rolled down. But I refuse to stick my head out the window and enjoy the air blowing through my ears. I refuse for about 4 minutes then I can be denied no longer! My tongue flapping in the wind I slather the side of you car with my excited drool. But you only take me to the dark places where you will never be seen with me. You are embarrassed and ashamed to be with me. I KNOW IT!! I CAN TELL!!! If you really cared there would be some Stumble marks!!

Eh..... Now I am wondering if I even got nominated for an Okie Blog Award. You DID send in some nominations, didn't you? I mean there is no shortage of other entertaining Okie bloggers to choose from like my friend Kelly, or those two "also rans" in the humorous category. You know, the Queen of Negative Marketing and Marques of Dirty Tricks. Oh and don't forget my buddy over here, because you should ALWAYS support your local firemen.

Take a little time, then go over to Mike's place and vote the American way... Vote Early and vote often!

The Truth Comes Out

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Wherein I Plan my BIG Infomercial

Opprobrious Victimized

MY opponents in the upcoming vote, claim I have sold-out to big pharmaceutical corporations. Redneck Diva exclaimed when reached by our crack reporting staff, "...Huh? Opprobr..what? Look I don't accept solicitations over the telephone. Stop calling my house!" She refused to comment further, but a friend of a guy who said he knew her neighbor's mailman claims REDNECK DIVA is starting a horrible whisper campaign that Opprobrious is now in the pocket of big time pharmaceutical corporations.

Dear reader (hopefully there is more than one... but I am playing the odds based on my sitemeter) NOTHING could be further from the truth! Honest! The stance of the writing staff here at Opprobrious has never changed from day one. Health Care should be a right in this country just like education. And our little blog never accepted paid advertisement for over priced life saving medication. NO! We only accepted money for elective, personal enhancement products. It's like steriods but for bagging hot chicks, so really it is a non-essential product that enhances life. Plus, it is the hope of the entire Opprobrious staff, that with increased sales of this product, production prices will eventually fall to where we can all enjoy the benefits of this exciting new self enhancement product.

But then another form of competition rared it's ugly head when Monty over at The Daily Bitch, who is also an Okie Blogger and was the runner up for the Award I was denied last year. Our ace reporter went to investigate her reaction to the underhanded Redneck Diva attack strategy.

"Well, she never would accept my calls and the police say she is in the process of getting a restraining order against me ever contacting her again," said the unnamed Opprobrious reporter. "However, I still have a strong feeling we are meant to be together... eh... in an interview!! Hey do we happen to have any samples of Tagamilf in the studio?"


So there you have it. Proof positive that I, and the entire blogging staff at Opprobrious, has been the subject of viscous, slanderous attack strategies of fellow Okie Bloggers. I can only hope you Email Mike and demand he disqualify both participants and possibly any other blog in competition with us. Then, and probably ONLY THEN will we stand a chance of getting a real award as a quality blog.

Better Living Through Chemistry