Mythicles

Long ago in the ancient Highlands of Caledonia there ruled a mighty warlord named Maesie. This battle scared warrior ruled with an iron fist and demanded the young men venture out bring him loot for his clan. The noble men of Caledonia would return with salvaged herds of cattle, sheep and birds of all kinds.

Maesie saw his kingdom grow and he was pleased. All the men knew their life was secure as long as they pleased Maesie by pilfering the land of all that was valuable. But in time the powerful king had taken all of the available goods. His neighbor's neighbors were without flock or herd. The spoils of conquest grew thin and the grizzled old warrior became angry.

He placed demands that could not be met by his subjects. When they failed he had them flogged in public as a warning to all others that failure to the King bears a high price. In time, all backs carried the marks of the old King's wrath.

One day the men were discussing how it was impossible to please the King. They began to fear for their lives and their families. When a young man named Diarmid suggested they honor the King with a celebration. He suggested they bring in musicians and erect a tall pole covered in vines and flowers. From the top of the pole they should attach many bolts of bright beautiful cloth. Then the cunning Diarmid suggested they have old King Maesie stand against the pole as beautiful maidens dance around him with the streaming cloth. In time the King would he bound and trapped by the streamers and the villagers could kill him or overthrow his Kingdom.

The people of Caledonia agreed to the idea and suggested a Spring celebration to the King. Feeling honored, the aging warrior agreed and was greatly pleased, in fact he was reportedly laughing with joy as the beautiful maidens carefully bound him to the pole as they danced around. Once trapped the villagers descended upon the helpless Maesie and killed the old King.

To this day the May Pole is recognized as a symbol of rebirth, freedom and a chance to watch hot chicks dance with each other.

Oh and Diarmid....? While the villagers were killing the bat shit crazy King, he was stealing back all the livestock stolen from the Highlands of Argyle.

The Restaurant

So there we were. Six of us gathered for a professional lunch. Most of us had been to a two hour teleconference meeting of state programs. We had discussed a lot of topics, mostly while we were SUPPOSED to be listening to the meeting. When it was all said and done, we agreed to go to lunch.

We picked the local Mexican Restaurant we enjoy. Authentic Mexican American food. Not really Mexican, because nobody in Mexico eats that crap. But we had our Taco Salads, and Fajita Burritos and Pollo Loco. This place is great but it gets really crowded at lunch and that means it keeps getting louder and louder. We are having a good time when I get an email alert from Progress America that claims, "Conservatives are Tea Bagging Washington."

Now I follow the news. OK, I follow the news headlines on Google news reader. I mean, I might not know what the hell is going on in the world, but I know OF them. So I ask my co-worker who is at the far end of our table, "What is all this I keep reading about Washington and Tea Parties?"

Let me warn you here, THAT WAS A MISTAKE!

HER: "Oh it is a bunch of dumb ass Republicans claiming they are taxed without representation. SO they want to protest like the Boston Tea Party. They are Tea Baggers and they plan to TEA BAG Washington!"

ME: I get real uncomfortable, "uh... could you not shout that out please?"

HER: "Why? We are in a Democrat stronghold. Everybody around here agrees they are a bunch of TEA BAGGING Conservative assholes!"

ME: Cringing. "Keep it down! Sheeesh! You act like you don't know what that means?"

HER: Confused. "What...? Tea Bagging? TEA BAGGING has another meaning? I never heard of any other meaning for TEA BAGGING!"

The others at our table get up and go to the front (before we are asked to leave) so they can pay their bill and get out of town. The director of the visiting agency is trying to decide if she is amused or outraged. She leans over and pats my co-worker in an understanding manner, "It does have another meaning."

HER: "What else could you mean talking about Tea Bags?"

About this time the wait staff hurry her bill and promptly check her out. I turn to the new guy and ask, "Do you mind taking her outside and explaining what that term means?"

HER: (Still yelling in the restaurant) "He's going to take me outside and explain TEA BAGGING to me in the parking lot?"

She swears she had never heard the term. She swears she never saw the Emails of the passed out drunks that listed the expense of an evening on the town only to pass out and have some dude's room mates tea bag his open, snoring mouth. Priceless.

Yeah... I kind of feel the same way YOU feel right now.

Work Spouse

So I still use AOL. I know, I know, pathetic, loser, doofus who is afraid to grow up and get a real Email account. I know! Still I use it.

So lately they have been running these pseudo news stories about how the "Work Spouse" is actually infidelity. OK here is where I tell you another story so I can get back to the first story that I didn't finish.

We were working late in my office one night and my co-worker started saying something to me that I knew was crap. I had a small stack of sticky notes in front of me and as she rambled on I quickly doodled out a picture like the card above, then I slapped it down on the desk in front of her and said, "Sorry, but I think I need to play the bullshit card here."

She loved that effect. She enjoyed it so much she had me make her about of dozen of them so she could start playing the bullshit card on her friends and family. For about a week she had the greatest time walking around and ripping out one of those little slips of card stock with a crudely sketched bull standing over an elliptical pile of steaming reality.

Ok with that in mind, I need to play the Bullshit card on AOL. If you take the implication to its logical end, you have to surmise that man and women can not be friends, can not be professional, can not be connected on a mental wave length without sex. And this is where I have to slap down a big steaming deck of bullshit cards.

First of all, as any dude who has been married to the same woman for over 26 years can testify; You can be perfect partners, share ideas, responsibilities, money accounts, parenting responsibility and even a bed without having sex. And the same is often just as true at the workplace as it is at home.

My co-worker and I have now been together for longer than most marriages last. Granted she gets the best of me and I get the best of her. There is no laundry, no cooking of kitchen work, no shared bank accounts and a shared state worker's aversion to real labor. We are close. We KNOW things about each other. We know when to push the other, we know when to hold back. We know when to cover for the other and we know when to call each other on our bullshit. We are very close.

I have gone underwear shopping with her, she has ironed my clothes in her office. We have bough clothing and other gifts for each others family. In fact most people think we are married and they have referred to us as married even AFTER I have introduced them to my wife, who is standing next to me. See, we mesh well together because independently we struggled to get to the same point. We came from similar backgrounds and similar socioeconomic settings to a professional career where we found we had common values and beliefs and work ethics.

That is a hell of a lot to have in common... plus... we crack each other up! But what we don't do, in spite of all the opportunity and often assumption of others, is we don't .... you know. You know?

Have you ever watched an animal eat? Ranching out in Western Oklahoma for years and years I would feed hay and protein cubes to our herds of cattle. Out in big ranch country, where it takes 10+ acres per cow unit, there were not fancy hay rings, you tossed out a half a ton of hay on the wind protected side of a hill. As the cattle ate, you slowly counted to make sure they were all there. And day after day I would count cows and watch them gorge on rich hay while the cow next to them wizzed all over the food they were eating and they crapped all over the hay behind them that the next cow was eating.

Now I told you that story to finish my first story that was about work spouses and bullshit cards. See, unless you are more stupid than a freakin western Oklahoma cow, you ought to know you never crap where you eat. There just ain't nuttin appealing about that and there ain't nuttin good that can ever come of it.

So in conclusion, I slap down my Bullshit card on AOL. Sure you have the occasional dumb moo cow asshole that step out on his wife with his co-worker, but that is the exception and not the rule. I say men can work closely night and day with the sexiest women on the face of the earth and still not have one bit more sex at the office than he has at home.