GM, Swine Flu, and Other Big Topics

WARNING: The following probably wont be very funny. But then again, Opprobrious Readers are used to that.

What's good for General Motors is good for America! That used to be the standard that this country followed for most of the past century. If it was good for GM to use unions, it was good for the country. If it was good to offer health insurance, retirement benefits, or flex spending plans, it was good for the entire nation. If it was good to focus on math and science and engineer a better mouse trap it was what was in the best interest of the United States of America.

Up until that time when it wasn't. People of Flint Michigan think they know about when that time came. A time where the corporation stopped thinking about serving their customers and only focuses on serving their board of directors. When GM hired Roger Smith and abandoned the Steel City area for the low wages of foreign work forces? Cost went down but prices stayed the same or continued to rise. Profits became the driving force behind the big three. "Damn the customer, full speed ahead." Profits, bottom lines, black ink all wrapped up in investment banker lingo of stock options, deferred payments and eh, well... you know... (b-a-i-l-o-u-t-s). What was never mentioned was service. Sure there was a lot of talk about product loyalty, but somewhere along the line GM and Corporate America forgot to be loyalty, responsible, and truthworthy. The end result was they could build a nice paper report but they knew nothing about running a business. A business is a partnership with the customer. And GM, like most of Corporate America, was not interested in partnerships.

Boy Scout traits like that have no place in American Business of the later 20th Century. When Japanese autos started threatening the big three, there was never talk about creating new and innovative machines that were dependable and reliable. What was produced were pale imitations and medicine show financing schemes. Corporate America took the legacy of Henry Ford, Frank Buick and General Bob Motors and ...(OK I made the last 2 names up) ...and moved away from the concept of service for a price. They believed America owed them loyalty because what was good for GM was good for the country.

Well GM is going belly up. Can the rest of the nation be far behind?

The news reports are full of the newest end of the world. Swine Flu pandemic is here! Swine Flu pandemic is here! There is no cure! There is no immunity nor vaccine nor medicine to treat it! The world is about to end in a coughing, sneezing explosion of vomit and diarrhea. The good news is: maybe you will part of the 50% that lives. The bad news: Not all the people you love will make it.

As for me: Until people start dropping off like a Stephen King novel, I am going to assume this is another Y2K scare.

Finally, we have heard a lot in the news lately about the Pirate situation along the African coast. Yes it is bad. Yes there are people losing their lives. No, I don't really know anything about it. But I do think I found a picture of one of these bastids.

WARNING: The picture you are about to see is a graphic representation







OK admit it... THAT was funny! Right? Hello?




EDITORS NOTE: The editorial staff discussed the above joke and came to the conclusion many Opprobrious Readers will not recognize a Somali (small E) Pirate if it sailed up and fired a cannon salvo in their ass!

Holiest Day for Healing

Today is All Saints Day. The Morning that follows All Hallows Eve. Last night I was a pirate with two swords and an eye patch and eye make-up. I pillaged free food from my Uncle's 10th Wedding Anniversary (costume) party, went to a spook house and ended up in a bloody knife fight back at my uncles.

I walk in the door and some grandpa is taking pictures of his itty Fairy granddaughter. They were blocking the road to the free stuff. So I waited patiently until they took a shot or two, and in the break I tried to step past them.

The little girl evidently realized there was a real live person behind her, and not just one of the life sized talking robots. So when I tried to politly squeeze past the little rug rat freaked the hell out! She shrieked like a little girl and ran and hid behind Grandpa. I shrieked like an even bigger little girl and cowered along the wall. Then three four-year-olds dressed as Tigger, a Knight in shining armor and some furry brown thing... maybe a bear or a rodent... grabbed my costume swords I got at the dollar store yesterday... and the fight was on!

Like Orlando Bloom fighting Captain Jack (only the little buggers ganged up on me!) we battled back and forth across the community hall floor. There were thrusts and parrys, sword clashed upon plastic sword and I might have even seen sparks fly from the manly contact... except as I said... plastic. Finally Tigger took the aggressive and was slapping at me in a furrious attack and all I was left to defend my poor self was my hook I had in place of a hand. Tigger drove me back into a corner against the large folding tables when disaster struck. In slapping his flimsy sword against my mighty hook, his sword broke! I thought I had the advantage but he ran me through with the broken end.

I died right there on that community hall floor with my now decade long married Uncle and his wife looking on (I assume weeping from grief) and as I coughed out my death rattle I heard applause as Tigger held up his bloody instrument of death and took a victory lap around the Community Hall like a conquering hero!

Later, while saying thank you and good night to our hosts I suddenly felt sharp pain and saw Tigger was once again behind me with his broken sword and I realized I had just been shanked like a prison bitch in the yard! Sure I yelped, all us shanked prison bitches yelp with we get a shiv shoved up out butts. I tried to stay in manly character and hope nobody noticed the girly scream as I shouted out, "I've been broadsided!"

So there I limped outside, beaten and bloodied by a band of ruffians only found in rural Oklahoma and journeyed home with my pirate tail tucked between my legs so I could remove my one eye make-up and go to bed. All in all, it was a good night.

Little Boys Never Grow Up

So Friday night is my Uncle's 10th wedding anniversary / Halloween costume party. Me thinks I might go as a pirate. I haven't worn a costume on Halloween since I was a kid... maybe 8 or 9 years old. I mean, I have worn costumes for plays and working local spook house fund raisers, but to go to a party in a costume... I never considered it until tonight.

Tonight I was at the local grocery store and they had a dollar store section. Real cheap crap for a buck. And on the top of pile of little kid plastic Halloween crap was a cheap plastic Pirate kit, with a plastic hook, a plastic eye patch and two tiny plastic swords. It was perfect!! Last Christmas my uncle gave me a Jack Sparrow hat and tattoo sleeves because of my interest in sailing... and the fact I now own two sail boats. (It's not a big deal.. he owns a sail boat too!) So in an instant I decided to combine his gift with that wonderful cheap and cheesy dollar store crap to make a single costume.

But oh how I wish I could be as dashing as the toon above.