Today is All Saints Day. The Morning that follows All Hallows Eve. Last night I was a pirate with two swords and an eye patch and eye make-up. I pillaged free food from my Uncle's 10th Wedding Anniversary (costume) party, went to a spook house and ended up in a bloody knife fight back at my uncles.
I walk in the door and some grandpa is taking pictures of his itty Fairy granddaughter. They were blocking the road to the free stuff. So I waited patiently until they took a shot or two, and in the break I tried to step past them.
The little girl evidently realized there was a real live person behind her, and not just one of the life sized talking robots. So when I tried to politly squeeze past the little rug rat freaked the hell out! She shrieked like a little girl and ran and hid behind Grandpa. I shrieked like an even bigger little girl and cowered along the wall. Then three four-year-olds dressed as Tigger, a Knight in shining armor and some furry brown thing... maybe a bear or a rodent... grabbed my costume swords I got at the dollar store yesterday... and the fight was on!
Like Orlando Bloom fighting Captain Jack (only the little buggers ganged up on me!) we battled back and forth across the community hall floor. There were thrusts and parrys, sword clashed upon plastic sword and I might have even seen sparks fly from the manly contact... except as I said... plastic. Finally Tigger took the aggressive and was slapping at me in a furrious attack and all I was left to defend my poor self was my hook I had in place of a hand. Tigger drove me back into a corner against the large folding tables when disaster struck. In slapping his flimsy sword against my mighty hook, his sword broke! I thought I had the advantage but he ran me through with the broken end.
I died right there on that community hall floor with my now decade long married Uncle and his wife looking on (I assume weeping from grief) and as I coughed out my death rattle I heard applause as Tigger held up his bloody instrument of death and took a victory lap around the Community Hall like a conquering hero!
Later, while saying thank you and good night to our hosts I suddenly felt sharp pain and saw Tigger was once again behind me with his broken sword and I realized I had just been shanked like a prison bitch in the yard! Sure I yelped, all us shanked prison bitches yelp with we get a shiv shoved up out butts. I tried to stay in manly character and hope nobody noticed the girly scream as I shouted out, "I've been broadsided!"
So there I limped outside, beaten and bloodied by a band of ruffians only found in rural Oklahoma and journeyed home with my pirate tail tucked between my legs so I could remove my one eye make-up and go to bed. All in all, it was a good night.
1 month ago