Campbell Fires Back

 

Campbell Fires Back at Critics Over “Attack” Questions

World leader candidate Cris Campbell is pushing back against critics who claim the reported terrorist attack on his motorcade was fabricated to boost his lagging poll numbers.

Skeptics have pointed to the total absence of physical evidence, as well as statements from the Secret Service noting that Campbell was never assigned a security team, since the office of “World Leader” does not officially exist.

Campbell dismissed those claims in a statement this morning.

“I now strongly suspect the Secret Service and the CIA were involved in the attack themselves,” Campbell said. “They dressed as terrorists and tried to take me out.”

Campbell argues that only a domestic intelligence agency would have the resources to remove vehicles, bodies, and evidence so quickly, suggesting the alleged operation was intended to silence him.

“The reason is obvious,” Campbell added. “My fiscal conservative policies threaten their funding.”

Campbell concluded his remarks with a pop-culture reference.

“As Jack Nicholson told Batman,” Campbell said, quoting the famous line, ‘This town needs an enema.’