Faux New Interview

 

Host (Faux News):

“Joining us now, world leader candidate Cris Campbell. Mr. Campbell, critics say corporate wage theft and predatory CEOs are destroying companies built by American founders.”

Campbell:

“Terrible situation. CEOs making fifty million dollars while workers can’t find the time clock. I inherited millions myself, so believe me, I understand business. 

By the way, my name is Cris Campbell, but my supporters call me Mr. PIB—Put It Back. If we can’t afford it… put it back.”

Host:

“So what’s your solution?”

Campbell:

“Workers get forty percent of the board seats. Selected the American way… annual company tournament. Beer pong and lawn darts.”

Host:

“That sounds chaotic.”

Campbell:

“Exactly. I’m a fiscal conservative. Government needs equal parts order and chaos.”

Host:

“You mean your philosophy comes from a children’s book?”

Campbell:

“Yes. The Cat in the Hat. Millions of adults read it every day—to children! The story appeals to kids, but the real lesson is for adults. Your average two- or three-year-old can’t grasp the depth. I could—but not all children are exceptional.”

Host:

“And how do you make sure frat boys and tailgate experts don’t dominate the board?”

Campbell:

“They have to fail an IQ test. Keeps the professional beer-pong lobby out.”

Host:

“So basically, beer pong, lawn darts, and mandatory stupidity?”

Campbell:

“Yes. And if you sink the cup, you guide the corporation. That’s meritocracy done right. That’s Mr. PIB.”

Host:

“You’re serious?”

Campbell:

“Absolutely. Look, the economy is the house, the workers are the kids… and sometimes you just need a guy in a striped hat to come in and knock things over. Then everyone cleans it up properly.”

Host:

“And the hat?”

Campbell:

“Ah yes—the red foil MR PIB hat. Thanks to Dr. Nastradamus and his 100% accurate predictions, if he says foil hats stop mind control… I’m a believer.”