Fireside Chat: Violence Against Public Officials

Attacking a public official simply because you don't like Bob's policy is absolutely unacceptable in this country. America has a long, long history of play along to get along, from the War of Independence to the Civil War to our current day misunderstandings in about 75% of the world. It's our ability to talk things out and gently share the world from our own individual perspective that makes us a working institution of compromise that we like to think is admired the world over. Admired by millions of people from foreign lands of different colors, beliefs and fiscal value. Millions and millions of people we guard our borders against on a 24/7 basis.

And for basic unidentified thugs to attack Blackout Bob in his own office and burn it to the ground is a criminal act I will use all the power in my office to find and punish to the full extent of the law. All we can tell from the grainy security camera was it looks like two Black or possibly illegal Hispanics were on the scene. I am in constant touch with the FBI to try to identify these thugs.

Blackout Bob has done a great service to his country. I'm told he was about to release a health alert on the importance of not trimming nose hair. Bob says all mammals have fur to keep them warm. If you are growing hair out of your nose, it's nature's way of keeping your nostril safe and warm. I'm telling you, the man is a genius. Our thoughts and prayers are with him as he tries to recover and eventually sober up.

After this unfortunate incident we are without a main office for the Department of Public Health. I am proposing a $300,000,000 fundraising campaign to replace the old building that was burned to the ground. I have bipartisan support on this issue and we will start out with an informal $400 a plate chili fest catered by my favorite restaurant, Hammurabi's Code 5 Chili! Please join us on April 1st and bring the whole family. I understand the caterers are offering free pony rides for the kids! It sounds like something even old Blackout would want to attend, if he wasn't laid up in a hospital with 14 broken bones and connected to a Boone's Farm Strawberry Wine IV.