Back Again

OK The back situation. Here it is, I have tried to not mention it for awhile, because who wants to read about a whiner, right? I save that unsavory spectacle for those unfortunate to work or live with me. I had an MRI taken of my lower back one week ago Thursday. I took off all day Friday, and I spent the whole long weekend, confined to my computer room chair, creating this new blog.

Now to be fair, I did not work three days non-stop out of love and devotion to you, the reader. The fact is I sissied out. I ran away from the pain like a little girl (as heard on Clearly You're Retarded) and sat in a stretching position to allow my back to rest and hopefully heal. By Sunday I was going stir crazy!

So Sunday I go to church. I move quickly to a pew with the family and once seated, all pressure is off my back and all is good. No problem in the Presbyterian mini aerobics of up-down, up-down service. Then we go outside. Let me rephrase that, my family abandons me... a near cripple... and runs to the other car and leaves in a cloud of dust.

Where was I? Well, first I was pulled aside by my doctor who happens to go to the same church. He walks up behind me (Not hard to do at my snail's pace of mobility) and claps me on the shoulder saying "You're going to be ok." After a bit I realize he is talking about the MRI. He has already see the MRI! He then tells me he will talk to me about it later. I assume he means his usual conference call from his office while he looks at the test results and can answer any questions. At one week following the MRI and four days following church, I have yet to hear from him. I keep meaning to call and get busy on other things and it never seems to happen.

In spite of that I have been able to go easy and the pain has not been as bad as it was IF I can stay off my feet. I have found the biggest problem to be well wishers. OMG there are so many people who want to stand around and tell you all of their horror stories of intense back pain... Did I mention STAND around??

Sunday I got trapped by an usher at church, blocking the only exit, who then told me for a good 20 minutes about his bone graph operation for his upper spine. He explained in excruciating detail how awful it is to be on your feet when you have a pinched nerve. All the while standing in conversation and blocking the only exit. At Wal Mart we met the sweetest lady who talked to us for over a half house (after I had walked all over Wal Mart and was already in pain) and she was so concerned as we STOOD around and talked and she told me how important it was to not be on my feet and aggravate the situation.

To be fair, up to Tuesday morning I thought I was off the Lortab and on my way to recovery. All hopes have been dashed in the past 48 hours. So I hope to talk to old Dr. John very soon, although I suspect he will say I need to stay off my feet, don't carry anything heavy, lose weight, be less stupid, and pull his finger. I know, many of you wonder why I like old Dr. John. Well, other than being funny, and I need a sense of humor around me, he is very bright and treats me as a partner in all conversations. But most important of all... I believe we are near equal in our desire for him to NEVER EVER check my prostate. It might not be a healthy reason to base that decision but my every manly instinct tells me it is right reason.

In Which I Piss Off the South

So I go to this wedding the other day. It was held in a nice older and established Baptist Church in Tulsa. Everything is going fine until the preacher starts talking. And I have this huge urge to get up and walk out in disgust!

Whoa, don't get me wrong here, I can usually work with anybody, put up with most things and tolerate differences in opinion. And, I need to add, this guy never said anything to offend me. It was all about his method.

OK, see the way I understand it, a preacher, minister, whatever-the-hell you call him (no she preachers for Baptists) should be a teacher. But Baptists don't teach so much as... and I am really struggling to understand this myself... as force judgements upon others. You know, if you don't think abortion is murder, you can't be Christian. If you don't think Clinton was the most vile human ever, you can't be Christian. If you don't think all gay people should be treated as sex offenders and placed on a list and not allowed to work in public, you are not Christian. No matter what you do, if you are not just like me, you are not Christian. And I will ALWAYS be more Christian than you, so nana-boo-boo!!

There is hardly a Baptist wedding or funeral I have attended that I did not suspect would result in an alter call during the ceremony. Why? Because the fundamental drive behind the Baptist church is growth. SO they preach, not teach, they have a single single message... get thee unto a Baptismal font. Then they tell you if you don't believe as they do, you are a Unitarian, some kind of liberal free thinker that says sin is a judgment call and the bible is just a book and not a set of concrete rules to guide your life.

And I have spent the majority of my life buying into that philosophy. I hated it! All my friends around here are Baptists, and I mean good close friends I have know for decades if not all my life! People I love and respect and yet as soon as I hear a Baptist message, my skin begins to crawl and my mind screams "This just aint right!"

So, as I have probably mentioned a few times, this past Easter my family and I changed churches. It was not a spur of the moment thing. I had been pushing for a change for years, but it's difficult to leave. Mrs. Y2K and I were married in the church, both kids were baptized there, it was a fixture in our lives. But fuck it, we decided to change.

So we go to the Presbyterian Church and this chick comes out in a robe and starts the Easter service and the jaws in our pew were dropping. A woman minister?!! Cool! And there was not a single alter call seeking to reaffirm your already affirmed faith to show you were more Christian this week than you were last week because that is all that is important... that and bragging about you past life of sin. NO WAY! In fact, there was this service about crap that was actually in the Bible and ways it can be interpreted, both literally and figuratively. Figuratively....? What the f....?!! Holy Shit Batman, this church is about learning, and reading and interpreting and... and... and... it was cool.

So now I am all cool and actually enjoying church for now. Something I never would have thought possible. NOBODY KNOWS I BLOG!! shhhh! It'll be our little secrete, ok? Although I do wonder if, at some point, there will ever be a sermon on the great level of satisfaction one can reach by screaming the "F" word? This place just fits me and I can't imagine why it doesn't fit everybody.

But the other week we were in a service and there was a new family in the back. Like us they had walked in, looking for a better fit. Things were going great right up until the Minister said something about the Bible is not literal, Gays are humans, or abortion is a choice everybody has to make... it might not have been any of those... and in fact probably wasn't, but I can remember what I fuckin like, so fuck you! Anyway, it was a more tolerant view towards life that was mentioned, and this family in the back snorted disgust and the mother got up, grabbed her kid by the arm and stomped out dragging a bewildered kid behind her. I hope she made it to the church she meant to go to before the end of the alter call so she can share how she was such a better Christian than everybody else because she got to pass her some judgement.