Whinebag

Don't you just hate those sissies who go get a shot, and then BITCH AND BITCH about how they hurt? "My arm is swollen!" "It hurrrrrts!" Those big ass babies need to grow up and get over it. Skin is porous and needles slip in and don't do any damage and often can't even be felt.

In spite of that I went for my Flu shot yesterday and opted for the mist. They only offer it until you turn 50 years old and the clock is running out on me. I know, I know... one more deadline in life that brings me closer to dead than a line. But still I was all proud of my self and giving myself those self congratulating props when the evil blond nurse says, "It looks like you haven't had a tetanus booster since 1996. Do you want to take it today? You need it."

I consider it, then sniff to foreshadow the macho man way in which I embrace my medical responsibility, as long as it is offered free through the County Health Department. "Sure let's throw them all in, if I need them." Like I said, they were free.

So she comes out with this syringe type thing and says that is the mist. It often puts more fluid (live virus) in one nostril than the other. She offers to give it to me, but again... macho man can do it himself. Who needs a pretty blond nurse, half his age standing between his knees, as he lays his head on her comforting chest while she nurses him to preventative health, right? eh... yeah... ok I have had some second thoughts on THAT decision.

I blast that stuff into my nose and sniff it down into my lungs as instructed. Did you know the medical people love to tell you that with the mist you get "...mucosa protection too?" Yeah, that kind of grosses me out. But I blast away and when I am finished the nurse asks me if one shot was bigger than the other.

"Mostly air," I replied. "But I am starting to drip a little back down." Without a tissue I touched the watery discharge clinging to my nose with my fingers.

AND. THE. NURSE. FREAKED. THE. HELL. OUT.

"That's a LIVE virus! You need to go wash your hands! NOW! NOW!!"

You know me, I do as I am told (Operant conditioning from 25 years of marriage) but I can't help but feel a little freaked out that I just shot this shit UP MY NOSE and she is concerned that it touched my finger tips?!! Yeah that leaves a warm safe feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Then she pulled out some mini chemistry set and tells me how lucky I am to take my tetanus shot this year because it is different and I will never need it again.

"Cool! So I won't ever need another 10 year booster shot for tetanus from now on?"

The nurse looked at me irritably and said "No, you need to take that every 10 years. But this year we are adding vaccine for whooping cough, and you wont need to take THAT again."

Before I could point out I had never agreed to a Whooping Cough vaccine (I would have though.. it was free) she stabs me in the arm with a needle and injects the fluids into my system. I am still staring at the hole in my arm covered by a teeny tiny little round sticker (no smiley face) when the nurse hands me a pre-printed paper and starts telling me all the risks I just took in getting those shots and the horrible ways in which I could die.

But you know none of that really bothers me. What REALLY bothers me is "My ARM Huuuuuurrrrts!!"

Courage

Hello. My name is Cris and I am a sissy. ( HI CRIS!!) I guess I have always been a sissy. I don't remember there ever being a time I wasn't a sissy, but I do know it became very apparent when I first went to the dentist.

Now to be fair, I grew up poor in Oklahoma. Kids around here were only sent to a dentist when teeth were rotting out of their heads and the teeth were pulled because, really, who keeps their teeth when they are adults anyway, right? So kids were sent to this one guy in town who was brutal. I mean a butcher. Once, when I was in high school I flinched and he jerked back with the drill running. It ripped the inside of my mouth open from my jaw all the way to my upper lip. My whole face was bruised and swollen to the point I looked like my head had been rammed through a windshield. When it happened, the Dentist barked at me, "Look what you made me do!" Years later, my father admitted the same Dentist had done that to him too.

So I went into my adult life with more than a healthy fear of dentists... I would break out in sweats and try to make deals with fate. This continued for a long time until I forced myself to grow up, find a good dentist and endure the process. I can say that now, I am much better. I have very good dental health and I made sure my kids have the best dental care available with the best most pain-free dentists I can find. It costs more, but it is a solid investment.

The thing is, when my kids were little I was still not the guy to take them for check ups. I was not the guy to take them to see me get a cleaning. I am still... a tad it nervous. Even a simple 6 month check up has me obsessing the night before the appointment. I still look for ANY excuse to back out. It still takes all my nerve and resolve to get there each time.

How freakin pathetic is that? Little kids go with no qualm, yet I break into a cold sweat at just the thought. As soon as I hit the door I am asking for the laughing gas, often to be told "We are just taking X-Rays, Cris." But the folks I go to are understanding and patient ...even if I did think I heard them laughing when I left the building.

Today I had my six months check up. I think maybe I broke the one scheduled before this... so it might have been my first time there in a year. Maybe. Anyway, no cavities but I had to have a deep cleaning (GIMME THE GAS!!!) and told to come back in three months. So that means, if I am real brave and can survive a check up WITH a full cleaning... I have to do it all over again sooner rather than later.

Courage is shown in many ways. Some guys walk through life and never feel fear. Others suspect there might be a wet stain on their pants when they hear a high speed drill. Like I said, My name is Cris and I am a sissy.