Tonight I’m proud to introduce my brand-new Advisory Cabinet on Health & Investment Strategy.
After years of watching so-called experts charge thousands of dollars to be wrong with confidence, I decided to assemble a team with something far more valuable: experience… and extremely low overhead.
We met in a quiet alley under the warm glow of a government-issued trash can fire, where the cabinet shared the following guidance:
Chief Investment WinoBelieves in aggressive diversification. Currently holding positions in aluminum cans, loose change, and a very promising half sandwich discovered behind a bakery.His official statement: “If it still smells okay, it’s a buy.”
Secretary of Preventive MedicineRejects complicated treatment plans. Recommends three simple steps:
Sleep when you can.
Worry less than yesterday.
If it hurts, stop poking it.Medical school hates him.
Director of Dumpster-Based EconomicsSpecialist in recession forecasting. Says the economy is improving whenever the pizza boxes contain actual pizza.Currently bullish on Tuesdays.
Undersecretary for Liquidity ManagementHas achieved perfect cash flow by never having any cash.Calls this strategy “spiritual budgeting.”
After careful listening, I’ve concluded their advice is at least as reliable as anything on cable news… and considerably more honest.
America, the future is bright.And slightly smoky.
— Endorsed unanimously by the Alley Cabinet
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