Monday, April 6, 2009

Mr. Touchy Feely

Men don't cry damnit! That's all there is to it and if you don't know that you ain't no man! And its not just my Mom that keeps saying that to me. You never saw John Wayne cry and he got shot a lot! You never saw Denny McClain, Indiana Jones or that Transporter guy cry and they always get kicked in the nads.

So in my world that I like to think I live in, real men don't cry. ...except maybe at movies or real sentimental TV shows or reading some email because people are fucking with their emotions and deserve their ass kicked for doing it. So there, I have stated my position and that is how I try to live my life, as my Daddy taught me and as I taught my son who never listens to me.

Sure, you end up with an emotional cripple. That's what we call MEN! HELLO! Thank you for keeping up with the story to date.

So today I go to work and a girl I work with tells me she has an unexpected doctor's visit. I ask if things are OK and get the feeling we might need to talk. "If I talk about it, I'll probably start crying." She says.

Good enough for me! Case dropped! New subject introduced, can't wait til that freakin football season starts up, how about you?

Then I go by an old friend's office to invite her to lunch with the group and introduce her to a co-worker who wants to contract with her for training. I am met by a distraught woman who's son is having some control problems and a family (grown children) situation that is getting out of hand. Stress level is REALLY high!

So there I stand, seeing all of this vulnerability of a dear friend and I take action as a real man in my world will! I sprang to her verbal defense by eloquently saying something like, "Uh... sorry about your uh... son and stuff. Uh.. you can hug me if it will make you feel better."

Oddly enough, this dear friend recoiled as if a sulfur bomb had exploded in the space between us. Then looking at me from this now exaggerated distance from her leaning away, sneering in disgust and acting like a general gramophone, she says, "No, I am afraid if you did I might cry."

So I go on to lunch, trying not to feel too sensitive about how two women threatened to break down into tears if I even came close to touching them. We have a lunch with the majority of co-workers, including my wife, sitting as far away from me on the other side of the restaurant as possible.

OK I don't need to go into great detail here but there were others today who seemed ready to break into tears at my mere touch. They did NOT seem like tears of joy. They were not happy tears. No, those seemed like the beginning of tears of misery and heartbreak. And there I am, armed with my life's experience and ingrained certainty that I will be imprisoned as a sex offender if I even accidentally brush against a female co-worker.

You know, the problem here just might be that I am just too darned manly. I am just too dog-gone macho for all the women I have to deal with in life. I am no Dr. Phil, who can seem to answer any problem by forcing guilt on the person feeling like dog crap, with a simple, "So how's that working out for ya?"

Damnit! Here I am overwhelmed with an inability to help or make things better and all I really needed to do was act like an asshole, then tell everybody I am helping them deal with their feelings! Yup! That's me from now on! Mr. Sensitivity! What, you are the one who felt bored and decided to see if there was something more interesting than your family on-line. SO how's that working for you?

heh heh heh It's Brilliant!

1 comment:

Avitable said...

I only cry when you make me bite the pillow.