So yesterday was the Fourth of July. We had a good time with family at the lake. The boys went all pyrotechnic and kept running in the house with tales of encounters with bears, and fire, and near drowning heroics. It should have been amusing but they kept running the house screaming about man eating carnivores and near death experiences while we adults were trying to eat and visit. Naturally we yelled at them and told them to stay outside.
That is all pleasant and nice but the real purpose of this post is to do what I do best.. or most. BITCH! Yes I have a major bitch to share with you. Last winter my mother needed to get rid of cat. We have a mouse problem out in the country and I agreed to keep the cat as long as she could be an outside cat. I needed a predatory mouser.
Everybody was in agreement this cat would be perfect for the job. She had claws and loved to attack anything, and grew up fighting off neighborhood dogs. So we welcomed her to our happy yard where she began killing everything she found. Lizards, snakes, moles, horses, and mice. It worked out well and when all the local wild life was depleted she would skulk across the street and take out a few of the nearby farmer's pigs or cows. She was working out fantastic except whenever we opened the front door this stupid cat would run in and bolt to the inside cat food bowls.
This was a nuisance, but the real problem has been the hitchhikers. Yes there are always a hand full of fleas that ride along the outside cat's fur and jump ship onto the inside cat's fur. Over the course of a few weeks these fleas have bred and had a thousand babies each and now our house is overrun with fleas.
Today I have been doing research and have made the Man O' The House Decree: Either we are flea-less within one week from today or all cats must go! I have checked out the web and I think Wikipedia is the best guide on this. I will go invest the children's college savings funds in "Advantage" for the cats which will kill off 98% of all fleas within 12 hours and will stop eggs from hatching and the cats will become roving flea traps for the next few months.
Yes I will turn our cuddly little snuggle buddies into roving toxic instruments of death. They will roam through our house and dispense death with no more thought, compassion or consideration than BP Oil has for gulf fishermen. Only, unlike the oil companies and the US Government, WE WILL deal with our homeland disaster and we will do it quickly and efficiently with forethought, and research based, proven best practices. Not because it is the American Way, or the smart way but because Fleas piss me off and I want the fuckers out of my house ASAP!
And maybe that is key to fixing the oil spill. Scoop up all the oil we can and dump it on Washington and the homes of the BP executives. When you have to live in the disaster then suddenly you find the inspiration to fix the problems of your life. I know I am motivated!
2 months ago