3 weeks ago
Sunday, February 22, 2009
A Little About the Parent Company
OK OK OK I can't keep up with all the letters and Emails and comments on the last post where I announced I sold out to heartless, ruthless corporate America for the sake of mere money. And to answer some of your questions, Yes I am able to sleep with myself at night, but then again if it wasn't for me I might not have any sex at all. Yes, I kiss my mother with this mouth and my children and even the dog if you must know. Although it always bothers me that when the dog kisses me it starts licking it's butt as if it is trying to get the taste out of it's mouth.
But enough about me. I want to tell you a bit about Syntelligent. This is one of those super secrete corporations that run the world and topple foreign governments for things like diamonds, precious metals and oil. They control the government via bribes and political puppets. All of the executives wear black and drive unmarked black cars. They scare the hell out of me, but I don't have to deal with them too much. Once every week or so a large unmarked black Lincoln Towncar drives into my yard and a dude dressed in black hands me a briefcase full of $1 bills and a cell phone.
As soon as I see the cell phone it always begins to ring. Its creepy dude! Then a voice on the other end of the line always says how happy the main office is with the blog and he is amazed how mature my children look when he watches them go about daily activities. Then he gives me an assignment, like the cover up of that plane that crashed over by Boston that was NOT the responsibility of Syntelligent nor any of it's subsidiaries. HONEST! I AM NOT LYING! So I think about the assignment and notice the driver of the car seems to be gripping something tucked in a holster of some kind in the back of his pants, and I begin to wonder to myself what would happen if I refused. I DO NOT like the images that pop into my mind so I always take the offer and the cell phone immediately kind of crackles and smoke pours out of it as it grows hotter and hotter in my hand. I toss it into the yard where it makes a popping sound and shatters into small pieces.
I always think this is such a waste because I would like a new phone and a free cell phone is even better. But I don't say anything, I just look at the driver and wonder if he is going to pull out a gun and spray my brains all over my front porch for the dogs to clean up. But so far he stares this intense stare then removes his hands from the back of his pants and leaves.
This has always worked as a kind of part time job, but then the main office seems to have heard about the near popularity of Opprobrious and they have assured me that Mike over at Okiedoke probably miscounted and that mistake will never happen again on an Okie Blogger Award or he will be missing some kneecaps. And of course I thought, "Damn, that Mike must be getting old if his knees are bothering him that bad," but winning sounds good so I agreed.
So I am real excited about the new partnership with Syntelligent and I am very excited about how we are paying off bankers for driving our nation into a Depression and wrecking the economy. Oops that reminds me, I have a new assignment to start. Plus another new briefcase! I think I might start my own eBay store for those dudes!