Opprobrious Sales Pitch

So a couple of months ago the idea of a terrible T-shirt shop kind of tickled me. Granted I really thought the concept of people wearing my "Ball-Licking Man" T-shirts was funny. The idea that people believe the real missing link in the fossil record is a hominid with an elongated trunk that is able to lick his own genitalia, like other mammals such as cats and dogs, appealed to me.

Even funnier was my proudly showing off the T-shirts to my kids and proclaiming we could all wear them to the first high school football game. My daughter screeched saying all the boys would think she was a sexual freak that was into licking balls. I, of course, looked at her blankly and asked why they would think that, since the shirts are all about proof of evolution.

My son was even more adamant about the shirt. If his sister didn't want the school thinking she had "Ball-Licking Man Fever," my 8th grade son REALLY didn't want that reputation. The concept was great fun in the house, then like all jokes it died a welcome death.

Last night as I created my "Save the Hooters" T-Shirt, I once again asked the kids if they would like to order a shirt of their own. They could be activist. It was like community service and I was pretty sure it could be placed on college applications. Then an odd thing happened. My son looked closely at the shirts and said he was not interested in the hooters or the va-jay-jay shirts, but he felt his best buddy would think a "Ball-Licking Man" T-shirt "...would be awesome!"

So dear readers, with Christmas time just a couple of months away, now is the time to think of the guys you love. Sure you COULD get them something empty and meaningless like a Wii, a plasma screen TV, an iPhone or a pair of socks. All meaningless in their ambiguity. OR you could get them a gift that shows they care more about things other than high scores on Halo or Crack Ho's on SIMs Inner City. You can get them an Opprobrious T-Shirt that says I am a part the entire world and not just the world within my head.

And really, isn't that the kind of guy you always wanted him to be? Help him show he is involved, caring and alert to the needs of you and all your friends. Because he will never get there on his own, if you din't give him a little nudge from time to time.