Monday, November 24, 2008

Malibu Stacy

Top Ten Stories of my New Car!!

10. It gets an average of 30 mpg
9. It has an on-board computer that tells me my average mpg as well as average speed, oil life, and what kind of music station I landed on.
8. It's freakin paid for baby!
7. It has loads of leg room in the back seat.
6. All my friends are jealous of how cheap I got it!
5. It has STUFF I can fiddel with on the steering wheel
4. I have been back home for two days and the computer says I am still averaging 52 mph (heh heh I am such a nerd for getting THIS tickled over that fact)
3. I finally (after 28 years) have a newer car than my wife
2. My Dad feels like a hero for having his friend buy it wholesale
And the Number one story about my new car is:

I met Mrs. Cris at Wal Mart to buy the Thanksgiving Day food. After about an hour of madhouse like congestion, I left her to check-out while I went to another grocery store across the street for the few items we could not find.

As I walked up to my new Fleet Silver 2007 Chevy Malibu I could see from the pedestrian crosswalk that there was a huge freakin ding in my door! I had parked away from other cars, in a spot where nobody should have been able to open a door into my door... and now there were no cars around at all... and I had a HUGE HONKIN DOOR DING!!

You can guess I am already pissed off as I am stomping up to my new 2007 Fleet Silver Chevy Malibu when things get worse. See, I had to go to the Chevy dealership here in town to have a spare key made. No big deal, I had keys made for my Caviler, they cost about a buck a piece at Wal mart. So I go to the parts counter and ask how much for a spare key.

Fourty-Five Freakin Dollars, the man said. OK... maybe my mind inserted the profanity as it was reeling from the sticker shock. When I asked if he was kidding I was told the new keys have an anti-theft computer chip in them to protect me from getting ripped off. The guy said he was protecting me from theft as he began to cut my new key. Which with tax... total cost.... FIFTY-TWO FREAKIN DOLLARS!!

I am pretty sure I did not just whisper that in my head at the dealership. I was using context clues like the security guys walking towards me and even the mechanics in the back stepping to the windows to watch the show.

OK I went there because I needed a new key and the light bulb in the reading lamp replaced. But if those bastards were going to charge $52 for a damn $1 spare key, I was NOT about to ask them to replace a $3 light bulb! I had also noticed the battery on the keyless entry was getting weak, but screw that! I can get a new battery anyplace but this clip joint.

Then I go to Wal Mart and meet Mrs. Cris and we do the shopping thing and then I see the door so you know how the mood swig is shifting. Then I pull out my keyless entry and I don't hear any click, no lights come on, no indication it is working. I hold it over my head, around my crotch, in my pocket, out like a fairy wand and as I walk closer and closer I realize I can't even see if the damn locks have popped up through the stupid tinted glass windows

I was just about to use the key to unlock the door. I mean my key was right at the tip of the keyhole when a sweet innocent voice inside my hear said with awe and crystal clarity... "But my new car doesn't have tinted windows."

I jumped back as if I had been shocked. Mothers who had been out shopping with their little children suddenly clutched them tightly and reached to call 911 for perv squad to haul my freaky ass away... after all I had been walking through the parking lot paying pocket pool and fiddling with my hands around my crotch while making pained expressions. As a parent I would have been a bit concerned!

So I tried to stand with as much dignity as I could muster in my short, squat little frame, and I walked to my actual 2007 Fleet Silver Chevy Malibu without a door ding, which was parked four spaces further away in the same row.


Miss Britt said...

Dude. The kids and I actually GOT INTO someone else's Black Chevy Trailblazer in a parking lot once.

Congrats on the car!

Cris said...

My Dad's first job was as a parking lot attendant in Tulsa in the late 50s early 60s. He said there was a common goof up, every attendant did it and you can't help but feel like a complete moron.... but every so often one of them would jump in a car and reach to throw it in gear and tear off for the first available parking spot... only to realize they had climbed into the back seat.

Anonymous said...

Nice post, made me smile