Monday, November 17, 2008

Risen from the Dead

So my buddy and sexy muse over at this blog is WAY smarter than I will ever be. She found a link to some of the old Y2K Survivor posts. It was like old home week reading about a conference I went to last year. In fact I enjoyed it so much I decided to report it. Thanks for sending me the link! Uh.. is Y2K now the undead?

So there I was in Edmond at a state conference. I was hearing all about community problems and ways to refrain them and even a few strategies that might help. As you know, I live in Oklahoma. In this state we have high numbers of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and of course we lead the nation in "Serious Mental Illness" so suicide is one of our bigger causes of death in the state. It is probably bigger than anybody realizes because, well... my suicide plan involves plowing head first into one of those big ass semi tractor trailer rigs along I-40.

My plan used to be to just drive at full speed into a bridge, but I just got off that freakin I-40 and the semi tractor trailer rigs were pissing me off the entire drive. SO screw it, I am taking one of them with me! ...but I digress

Thus the meaning of this conference became clear. It is I, and maybe even I alone that is needed to bring sanity into the dark ages that is Oklahoma. Yea I say unto thee I will be a beacon of light to guide the misguided fuck ups and losers into the promised land that is a lot like Massachusetts only not as faggy and hell of a lot easier to spell. How will I accomplish this super human task, you might ask? Well, with the skills I gleaned from the state conference!!

I will go hither and yon unto varied City Councils of great men and tell them we have engineered a society that encourages fatassitudes (my own term meaning, an attitude that leads to a fat ass) We allow giant corporate monsters into our protected bosom and they spawn unsafe and unholy parking lots with giant mega centers that we love. But it is unsafe and unfriendly to the people who traverse upon foot, and thus should be redesigned. We can have city policy that says Home depot and the Mart that is Wal will build near the main street, with friendly shaded sidewalks and parking in the rear. It will look like the community of old and will be a friend to the lowly foot traveler who dwells in poverty and can't pay for his fucking gasoline.

And this City Council of Great Men will rise unto me and say, "You fat fucker! You parked as close to the door as you could get! You don't know shit about healthy living you butt munch. You have spent the past ten years of your life teaching kids to say "NO" to drugs. (A curricula that does not work, by the way) What the hell do YOU know about city engineering?!"

And I will thus look those Great Men in the eye (more than one eye if they have them) and I will say unto them, "uh... I slept in a Bestwestern last week." Low unto me, that was the ONLY arrow I had in my quiver... thus leaving me standing before this great City Council of Greater Men simply quivering. And thinking unto mineself, next time I think I am inspired by a state conference.... JUST SAY NO ASSHOLE, JUST SAY NO!!!!


Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

It wasn't any special magic.. is your friend. sometimes.

No dark chocolate? hmmmm Then how about ...oh, I'll have to think. DC isn't on the diet, but it's so good for ya I was gonna give it a pass.

Broccoli and carrots just doesn't have the ring to it that DC does.. rofl. And NO Zuccini (how ever ya spell it)or cucumbers. Out of season anyhow.

I know.. just send me some warmer weather.. it's COLD here.

Cris said...

It occurred to me that I need to reply here. But as usual I have been talking to Lisa in private Email and making all kinds of inappropriate comments... as is my suave style with the ladies.

She promptly shot me down, as seems to be the style of the ladies when with me. Damnit.