An Opprobrious Halloween

OK so I was trying to show my little girl how I can make a stupid toon faster than I can write an actual post. I got a little too ambitious for my personal limitations (no talent) and I screwed up.

See when I make one of these silly toons I blow the image up so I have greater pencil control on MS Paint. Only, I didn't realize I blew it up one size greater than usual and the result is what you see. I know! I know! You are very dissapointed and you wish it was a lot bigger.

Trust me, I have heard it all before.

Whatt'll Ya Do On Wednesday?

So Whatcha gunna do when you get up Wednesday and it turns out like four years ago? What the hell will you do if every exit poll shows Obama won but the vote tally goes to the other guy? What will you do when the guy who has trailed behind in all of the political polls all year long pulls out a majority win?

Will you buy the argument that it was the "race" factor? Will you take it like a battered and freshly back-handed bitch and accept that polls are not reliable? Will you go back to work? Will you go back to paying your taxes? Will you accept what you hear in spite of what you feel to be true... again?

Four years ago there was an election where the least popular President in the history of the United States pulled off a stunning victory in spite of exit polls. DO you remember what an exit poll is? That's where a dude with a clip board stands outside the voting booth and asked people AFTER they voted -- "Who did you vote for?" And in the last election a huge majority of the exit polls said they voted for John Kerry. Why would they lie? Yet the voting machines, many of them sold by the Diebold Company, said Dubya was the big winner. And as a result, we all lost. We lost a lot.

We have all heard the stories. The machines screwed up. There were screw up for both sides. But it seems whenever a screw up happened that favored one side or the other it ALWAYS favored Bush. So many claimed the elections were fixed. What will you believe on Wednesday?

This year we have a guy who is winning on the fund raising battle, he is winning on the popularity battle and I will bet he will win the exit poll battle. So what the hell are you going to do on Wednesday if the media and all involved say the other guy won? I really mean this, do you have a plan on what you will do on Wednesday if the rug is yanked out from under an entire nation again?

Just Cuz I went Halloweeny Don't Mean I'm Not Still Pink

Little Boys Never Grow Up

So Friday night is my Uncle's 10th wedding anniversary / Halloween costume party. Me thinks I might go as a pirate. I haven't worn a costume on Halloween since I was a kid... maybe 8 or 9 years old. I mean, I have worn costumes for plays and working local spook house fund raisers, but to go to a party in a costume... I never considered it until tonight.

Tonight I was at the local grocery store and they had a dollar store section. Real cheap crap for a buck. And on the top of pile of little kid plastic Halloween crap was a cheap plastic Pirate kit, with a plastic hook, a plastic eye patch and two tiny plastic swords. It was perfect!! Last Christmas my uncle gave me a Jack Sparrow hat and tattoo sleeves because of my interest in sailing... and the fact I now own two sail boats. (It's not a big deal.. he owns a sail boat too!) So in an instant I decided to combine his gift with that wonderful cheap and cheesy dollar store crap to make a single costume.

But oh how I wish I could be as dashing as the toon above.

My Illusions All Shattered

I have written this post three times tonight. As a result I have cancelled my Internet provider, cussed out my family and broken a ceiling fan. I do not DO frustration well when faced with techno fuck ups.

It all started because I am a bit pissed off about reading my buddy Mike's blog Okiedoke. It seems some worthless rag printed an article that named the top 75 blogs in Oklahoma. And I was NOT even freakin mentioned!! Oh HELL no! Not Y2K Survivor. Not Opprobrious. Not a damn word about either one of them!

Who even knew there were 75 other rednecks in this state that could read, let alone blog?!! I mean the article got a few right. They mentioned Mike's site, even if he is getting so old and senile he forgets to post most of the time. They named Kellyology. They even got Agent Bedhead. But that's a no brainer! I have them on my sidebar so you KNOW they are worth reading. But out of 75 blogs in Oklahoma I don't even rate.... really?

Well my friends and faithful reader. I know you are out there. You understand me in ways my fellow Okies Can't seem to grasp. You "Get Me." Whereas these Coon hunting, Coors Drinking, Finger Pulling sons of the Sooner State just never will quite see the brillaiance my Mother assurres me is really there... deep down... where it's REALLY hard to see.

No my state brethern probably never understood the humor in bagging a Bigfoot so we could open a sporting goods store to rival Bass Pro Shop. They would simply scratch their heads and wonder why we needed another sporting goods store, even if it was named Bigfoot Pro.

They might have felt a bit resentful of my unGodly plans to start a Scientific Archeology Dig in my back yard. I was determined to find the missing link in the fossil record, an extinct hominid creature I believe had an elongated trunk like most other mammals that are capable of licking thier private parts. But my quest to find "Ball Licking Man" met with much Church resistance as it contradicted a firm belief that God Created man as he is today. In God's Image and looking alot like the uneducated mouth breather leading the Church down the street who married his own cousin.

Maybe I lost my fellow Staties with my wide sweeping Liberal beliefs and causes. When I heard Uteren Cancer was a threat to women, I never once considered the financail cost or the cost of a few jobs that might be involved. I saw what was right and I jumped on board for a whole month with a T-Shirt designed to bring awareness to the cause of SAVE THE Va-Jay-Jays! Then a month later I supported the eradication of Breast Cancer with another T-Shirt of SAVE THE HOOTERS! But liberal beliefs are not accepted in Oklahoma where square pegs are expected for vote for the round holes that call themselves Republican.

Oh My God! I am the Natelie Mains of Okalhoma Blog Society!

As a result of not even being worthy of notice I need to take a step back. I need to evaluate what I am doinmg, where I want to go, and :::sniffle::: if I should do this any more. It will be a hard decision that will require heavy drinking and I am not opposed to sexual enticements if you are so inclined to offer. I just need to step back and think this sucker over.

Creeping Closer to Haunt Night

So there I was working the cash box at a local fund raiser when my cell phone rings. The chair of the Democratic Party is calling to see if I can go down and support the dude running for US Senate when he is in town on Sunday. Dumb fucker must not have realized he was running in Oklahoma and people are very devout in their dedication to watching freakin football on Sundays! Dumbass.

So there I am trying to be polite when I realize another board member came over to chat with me just as the phone rang. That guy just happens to be the Chair of the Republican party for the county. Really, it's not that big of a deal, there are only 40,000 that live in this county and 90% of them don't give a crap. Still, for a moment there... AWKWARD!!

I get off the phone and visit with the Republican Chair. He's a nice guy and a great man to have on a Board of Directors. He is retired, very active in the community and a great role model. He also just had prostrate cancer and has lots of terrible tales of things Doctors are willing to stick up your ying yang.

But tonight we talked signs. See for years I have been hearing about all of the dirty tricks played by the Republican party. Remember hearing how Clinton's people trashed the Whitehouse and stole all the Ws off the keyboards? The vandalism set the administration back for weeks as they tried to clean up and recreate files. Remember that huge news story from 8 years ago? Did you ever hear that was a hoax? IT WAS!! Years later I heard it on a talk show as a throw away line. What was headline news for several days was reported as a hoax on the back pages of the same newspapers and went mostly unnoticed.

I remember hearing of a woman who put up an Al Gore sign in Tulsa and she was in fear for her life from her neighbors. She said she felt threatened and at risk and her signs were constantly stolen or vandalized. OK I am not going to recite a litany of Republican dirty games, just trust me, there have been many.

So the old Repug Chair and I are talking and I mention I heard a few of his signs were missing. Then I heard this long rant on people playing dirty tricks! Against them! Now I want to be real clear, I do not for a second believe this guy would ever pull any of the dirty unscrupulous tricks associated with Bush, Rove, Cheney or any of those guys. He was just suckered into supporting the wrong team and not bright enough to realize the koolaide he was drinking wasn't the flavor he wanted. In fact, he still isn't sure, but they keep telling him they only serve his kind of koolaide. If you have ever been car shopping at a big dealership, you understand.

You know, that's really a great analogy of the Republican Party. If you go to them and you say you are there for financing, you are treated like a King while they smile and shovel piles of debt into the trunk for you to enjoy with the family once you get home. But if you go to them and tell them you don't want any more from them than a fair deal, they will try to palm off every lemon on the lot, all the time swearing they have exactly what you were looking for when you came in the door.

Are the Democrats any better? I don't know, I don't know if I have ever in my adult life seen a Democratic President in power. Clinton and Carter were hounded by the Republicans. All reports are looking good that at the end of this election the Democrats could control both houses and the Presidency. I guess what we all need to do is go out and get our tickets punched and then see what the koolaide tastes like.

6 Days Til Halloween

Did you know we are going to a party this Halloween? Many many years ago Mrs. Cris and I decided to get married. I wanted to get married on Halloween. I thought it would be funny. You know.. what's the spookiest day of the year? The day I got married! Hahaha.

Yeah Mrs. Cris didn't think it any funnier than you just did. So, in spite of my brilliant idea we did not get married on All Hallows Eve, but on Valentine's Day instead. Years later I was told by some really cool neighbors that Halloween was the WORST day ever to get married. They never got to celebrate an anniversary because they were always catering to their children or grandchildren and nobody care about a celebrating a wedding on the day everybody gets free candy!! So I chalked it up to a bad idea I had and forgot about it. The last chance we had to really celebrate the night that makes you fear what goes bump in the night.

So this Halloween my Uncle will celebrate his 10th wedding anniversary. He will rent out a community building, hire a DJ, gather all his friends and family and take the kids to the haunted house across the street. I think it's kind of cool we both saw the humor in that idea for a wedding night.

I Have the CRUD

Yup I came down with it at the first of the week. My cousin, whom I visited last weekend said he has the same stuff. Whatever it is, it lines your lungs and burns then starts breaking loose so you cough it out in great globs. Because of decorum I will not mention they are great green globs, because that's just too damn gross for a gentleman to talk about, right?

So I go into work late yesterday and the Grants manager tells me to get the hell back home and away from her before I make her and the rest of the office sick. Then she tells me to not even come in today either. Kind of made feel like I was handling this crud business pretty well. Of course I still worked the remainder of the afternoon., but the Grants Manager called my night time meeting people and told them she was not allowing me to work while sick. She said if she didn't call, she knew I would be there in spite of how I looked. ..... Thanks... I think.

So today I stayed in the house. I took out the lavatory sink in the kid's bathroom and replaced the faucet by lunch. Then I took some meds and slept all afternoon. Then my son come home and he had a party I made him move a time or two due to Dad's hospital thing, so we went out and cut some firewood and got a good blaze going and the little gathering grew to my daughter's friends and my Mom came out and we all roasted hot dogs over a camp fire and made smores. The kids got bored and went inside to watch a DVD while Mrs. Cris and I sat out and cuddled and watched the fire die out. And NO she didn't get so turned on she wanted to "DO IT" right there in the dark in the yard. ....And YES I did ask.

Werewolf?

Unacceptable

So we called today and my Insurance group plan will not cover Bariactric Surgery. Not only will they not cover it, but they will not cover any damage you might incur if you have the surgery and there were complications. My Insurance will not pay for, nor support, any surgical efforts to control weight.

Want to know what is wrong with this picture? I live in a state that ranks in the top of the nation for adult obesity. And according to my State Health Department, I live in the region that has the highest levels of adult obesity. The State Health Department claims that obesity is the number one potential threat to people in my state and will soon replace tobacco as the top preventable cause of death.

The Health Department, like my Insurance Company, and my doctor, all tell you that you are fat. Fat is bad. Fat is killing you. You are fat because you are lazy and make poor (stupid) eating choices. They might tell you this as they are eating donuts in front of you. They all tell you to jump on one form of diet or another and begin an exercise program. But what they fail to tell you is that 90% of all diet and exercise attempts fail within two years. 90%!!!!!

So while these professionals are telling you that you are fat and lazy and stupid they are also telling you that your only hope is to engage in an program that is statistically doomed to failure. Oh, did I mention depression and suicide are real high in problems in this state too?

If you can get doctors to talk about it, where price is not an issue, they will tell you the only statistically effective way to lose large amounts of weight (we are talking for people that are termed morbidly obese.. not those that want cosmetic changes) the best safest way is Bariatric Surgery. More specifically, lap band.

But my Insurance wont pay for that procedure. My Insurance even says that if I decide to take out a loan and pay for the procedure myself and there is a problem, they will not cover me. My insurance provider, to whom my employer pays over $325 per month (and over $325 for my wife and I pay well over $325 out of my pocket for my children) says the only way to lose weight is in a process doomed to a 90% failure rate.

Now let's look at my current medical condition. I am type II diabetic. I call it the "fat ass" kind, because it is weight related. My mother, who has already lost one foot and has spent a good chunk of the past three years in a hospital is also Type II diabetic, as was her mother before her, who died due to complications of diabetes. I have high blood pressure, which doctors say is a symptom of weight. I have elevated triglycerides and take a cholesterol drug (Lipitor) due to the Diabetes which is due to weight. I have chronic back pain (medicated) my doctor says is due to weight. I may be developing sleep apnea due to... wait for it.... weight.

Dude something is wrong here! Way wrong! All of my medical problems could be cleared up, my quality of life could greatly improve, I can possibly stop a generational disease from killing me.... but not only is it not covered by MY insurance.... that same company says they wont even cover me if there were complications should I decide to pay for the procedure myself! Which then makes the procedure an unacceptable financial risk.

I have a medical condition. The recommended treatment has a 90% failure rate. I am denied realistic medical care even though I have other wise excellent insurance. This is unacceptable.

Where the hell is Alan Shore when you need him?

Just Thinking

Spiritual Thinking

We made a difficult decision in my family this past year. It is a decision that was so difficult we actually talked about it for years before making the change. What did we do that was so traumatic..? We switched churches.

I had such a problem with our church that said homosexuality was a sin, and Republicans were always right. It was full of judgment and if you were not a Stepford drone you were bound for hell and there was no room for argument. And my response was the step back and disengage. Then I saw how this was effecting my children and I knew I needed to take a different approach.

So we switched to a church that had members that seemed to do the things we did, act the way we acted, and seemed to hold the same core beliefs we held. The difference while subtle was immense! Church is actually a joy to attend.

Now I mention all of this to make a simple point. Lately I have been involved in things that weigh heavy on me personally. In the past I would look at it as stress. Currently I don't know if it is stress but it leads to a lot of looking inwards and questioning myself or my past actions. And here is the big difference my new church says... the message I walk away with each week, and what I tell others I NEED to hear.

At the beginning of each sermon the Preacher hold out her hands and assures us that we are loved and we are forgiven. And more and more I need to hear that message. I am struggling in my own personal growth to understand the awesomeness of Grace. Up until recently I thought that was what you said before eating. Only now, at the tender age of 46 am I beginning to realize how much I don't know.

Yep there have been a few changes made since you were here last time. I ditched the Pink for the remainder of the month. It's not that I don't care about hooters, but come on, we were talking about sick hooters and frankly, I like Halloween more than sick boobs. Maybe that's just me.

So, I still have the Save the Hooters T-shirt available for sale on the side bar, and all proceeds will be carefully spent supporting those bouncy perky wonders at the nearest titty bar. Trust me! Oh yeah, and those T-shirts make a wonderful Halloween costume as it makes it look like you have a pair! Don't be cheap, I am sure the best thing to do in a floundering economy is to spend spend spend.

I love Fall and Halloween and October. The bad thing is this is ALWAYS my busiest month of the year. Things start coming at me so fast that by the time I look up the month is over. I need to get outside and enjoy the cool weather. I need to feel the sun on my face as it zooms away for the winter. Then again, football is on TV.. so we all have our priorities.

OH yeah, Jr. is in AG class and his school already sent him out to strong arm family and neighbors into buying Blue Gold meat products. If you don't know what Blue Gold Meat products are, you need to start hanging out around your rural high schools and try to make friends with the little boys in the blue jackets. Maybe you can score you some sausage or bacon. Tonight, I cooked up some of the 20 or so pounds of Bacon we were forced to buy so my son MIGHT win a $75 blue jacket. (He didn't.. now I have a freezer full of bacon and still have to buy a jacket) And let me tell you something. Love was in the air as I made that bacon. I mean my daughter came out of her room and told me she LOVED me as she ate the first pan full. My wife came out of her weekend nap and told me she LOVED me as she ate my second pan full. Jr came out of the video game room and I swatted his damn hand with a hot greasy spatula so I could make me a bacon and cheese sandwich.

mmmmmmmm all is good with the world. Wish they sold Blue Gold Bacon when Tomatoes are ripe.

Traiding Post

So I am in the market for a newer car. Yeah, fourth generation American Scotsman that I am, I want a car I can just pay cash for, and not a new car. This formula has served me well for many years, and I see no reason to change.

So last night I went to Autotrader.com and found two different cars that would work for my needs. I emailed both places and the one across state said they would make the deal I proposed and today was a special that included tag, tax and title. So we loaded up the truck and headed to Beverly! Only this was Oklahoma City, and I needed to pop in and see a blood sucking attorney (cousin) and his family. The next thing I knew the wife and both kids decided that was how they wanted to spend their Saturday as well!

So two hours to OKC and we get smoothly to the car dealership, ask for the salesman I talked to by phone and was told the car we had agreed on was misadverstised, it had way more miles on the car and a problem with the transmission. In hind sight, I should have just demanded to see the car. But I agreed if they could find me a like car I would still trade. So they directed me to a Kia Rio. If you drive a Kia Rio please excuse this statement but a Rio is a piece of crap! It was dirty, smelled like smoke, was way smaller than the car I had agreed to buy and felt flimsy. We got in the car and then I refused to drive it. We got out told them they were wasting our time.

Then then showed me a Dodge Neon, which was way smaller than the Stratus we had agreed upon, it was the wrong color (black) and had no acceleration power. On the other hand it got 38 mpg and the kids loved that it had a DVD system in the back. So, even though I did not like the car, I agreed to buy it under the terms agreed upon for the first car.

Then the salesman starts telling me how awful our car is as a trade in and we were lucky to even make it to the dealership alive. I stopped him and assured him there was no problem with the car other than too many miles and I was more than happy to keep it and walk away. End result was he agree I had the trade value about right so they could take it to auction and make a bit of profit, but then the manager started telling me I needed to work with them and pay more than I had agreed to pay.

After being told several time they would back up the same deal agreed to earlier, they were now trying to milk out more money for a car I didn't really like. I told them I was wasting time and now, two hours later I was pissed off and ready to leave.

So they tried to talk me into a Buick SUV for a trade in, the cash I said I wanted to spend and a loan of another $6k. Now I am getting really pissed off. Why the hell would I want to borrow money? They kept semi joking (I was not laughing) that there might be an $8,000 loan involved. I countered by telling them I had loaned money in the past, but I charge about 12% and would need a credit check on them. I really don't think they understood what I was saying. So they suggested a few more and while turning red in the face I tried to calmly explain I had loved up to my part of an agreement. If they could not live up to a deal they made they need to give me my fucking keys and title back because I was getting the hell out of there.

Then they said they had a Toyota. I could pay $5,000 and get a Toyota that was the same model as the car I was trading. I sent the family out to our car. Demanded the title and and left.

Later I told my Cousin about the incident. He said he, as an attorney, had dealings with David Stanly Ford in Oklahoma City all the time. He said they were known for shady deals, and once they even sold a guys car while he was there looking around the lot. He was not surprised by the bait and switch and said he almost warned me, but hoped this one lot (there are many David Stanly Ford Lots in Oklahoma City) was more professional. They were not.

I guess I will go back to making trades with small operators in these small towns. You get a level of professionalism you can't get in Oklahoma City from rip off joints like David Stanley Ford.

Now... if I could only figure out a way to get even for wasting all my time.

Binder

Yup I am on a binge, a binder, an all out consumption overload where I take inso much I am sick for days. I am sad to announce I am binge eating!

About six or seven years ago old Dr. John told me I was type II (fat ass) Diabetic. He said I should go low carbohydrate to control blood sugar. So I did. And for years I have been pretty faithful to that restrictive diet except for this past month. Stuck in a hospital with my father and eating cafeteria food, I was surrounded by breaded concoctions and even a few deserts. SO I went off the low carb reservation, so to speak.

Once I got home I have tried to resume my "keep my fuggin feet" diet, but then I have business lunches I must attend. Some are good and I can replace mashed potatoes with cottage cheese and have a plain grilled hunk of meat. But there are days we eat Chinese food. Even though they are buffets I can't pass up a little General Tso, egg rolls, dumplings (I LOVE dumplings) egg foo young, and spring rolls... ok and maybe some fresh fruit.

I had Chinese for the past two days and tonight we get in from a family funeral and there is nothing to eat so I make a grilled ham and cheese then add ranch flavored crackers and polish it off with some kind of Oreo cake! And now I can't be stopped! I am on a full blown bender! I ran to the cupboard, threw wide the doors and found the vastness of space looking back at me. The freakin thing is bare!!

So I either need to go to bed and feel guilty or make a pizza run. Digorno's anybody?

Can't Post

I can't post tonight. I have been trying for the past two hours and I just can't do it. NO! I am not blog impotent! It still works baby, it works just fine. In fact I could post all night long if I wanted to, but the fact is, tonight I can't do it because of personal and professional reasons.

What's the problem? Would a little dirty talk help out baby..? Uh yes it would! Please Email for my cell number, all my incoming calls are free! No, actually, if talking dirty were enough (and it is) I was rearing to go after reading Snackie's post about sexuality. In fact, I thought about posting on that subject for a brief shining moment, then remembered my children and friends and mother read this blog. ...or at least claim they do. So some topics are better left zipped up, so to say.

What I keep replaying over and over is something from work. I did my job. I did it as it should have been done. I would love to talk about it, but I have co-workers that read this blog (so they claim) and that would be inappropriate and probably a violation of some HR rules that would get my wide ass fired. Which sucks, because it is here that I feel like I can unburden my thoughts and share them with those that care enough to actually read this far.

But that I can't do. Not tonight. Not about work. And that is what lays on my mind and it is what I need to unburden myself about, and it just aint gunna happen. Not tonight, so I can't post.

Today in History

You know I minored in History? I wish I had majored in it instead so that I could be a full time history teacher. I even think about checking to see if I can do a bit of adjunct teaching at the local college over the summers. I have a love of history and when I study a subject, the dead seem to come alive with full and vibrant colors.

While not knowing the depth of the subject matter in William Wallace that was displayed in the movie Bravehart, I had already seen his epic battles and raced to the thrill of his story. The same is true of Rob Roy and the son of Edward III, known as the Black Knight. Wouldn't you LOVE to know what demons torment Andrew Carnegie to build all those fuggin libraries? The point is, we live in a world of rich an exciting tales.

Not all that long ago, we didn't have these new fangled machines like radios, TVs and amazing blogs on the internet. Man kind had to go out and create their own amusement, and let's face it, after a few hours of rubbing on THAT, most people start to chaff or blister. So they all met round a glowing fire. There they sat with full bellies and sleepy eyes as the darkness grew deeper outside their small circle of light. And the young men would boast of great tales of victory, bravery or honor. The old men would sing chants of great deeds or impart needed wisdom.

All cultures are pretty much the same, whether it was a camp fire, a fireplace or a chatroom. People then, as now, will gather so the young men can try to impress with tales of their latest daring deeds. The old men will try to impart wisdom and tales of great courage and honor. What used to be told around the campfire is now told by the flickering light of an LCD monitor, but the method is still the same.

But when we look back on today from ten years, twenty or fifty years in the future, what will we remember about today? Will we recall the Presidential debates? Will we recall the Dow dropped over 700 points again? Will we recall what we wore, the hit song of the day or if Cris posted this day on his blog?

The cool thing about history is you don't always have to be completely exact. You don't have to remember exactly on 10-15-2008 Obama kicked ass in the final debate. You don't need to know Texas is ranked #1 in college football after defeating OU. You don't have to remember the Dow tanked because everybody that isn't bought by a lobbyist knows markets have to be allowed to readjust. What you have to remember is what is important to you. And today on 10-15-2008 I returned to my low carb diet. Then I kind of cheated around 9:00. Then I was back on track again. SO far.

The Race Card

OK let's talk about this for a second. You know, I keep hearing more and more that, "If that Obama gets elected, the Blacks are going to take over! They will be everywhere!" This is said with a level of fear and disgust that absolutely mystifies me, and it probably needs to be discussed.

I am not talking about rampant rumors about a Presidential candidate like the rumors that Obama is Muslim and McCain fondles little boys. Those are sheer speculation based on things like the sound of a man's name or the pictures of wrinkled and liver spotted hands on tender pre-pubscent naughty parts in a Republican public restroom. The thing is, this is not real proof. Speculation is speculation and nothing more until you see real proof.

No, what bothers me is there is a certain age group out there that detests a man, regardless of brilliance or promise, based completely on the color of his skin. I don't understand it! Hitler was a short white man with bad facial hair and a comb over. But I can promise you not all of us that fit that description are bent on World domination nor have one testicle. Sequoya wore a traditional turban, but the most famous of the Cherokees was not a terrorist. Nor are all Native Americans brilliant (just us Cherokees) so stereotyping is ridiculous.

I don't need to show a run down of brilliant black men that have changed the world from Eli Whitney, to Jim Brown to Euclid and Homer. Sheesh, according to the Discovery channel Jesus might have been a black man and it's a pretty safe bet Adam and Eve had a little color since the oldest fossils seem to be all in the African areas.

But let's look at the fear. The blacks will take over the country. You mean like the gangster rappers took over the music business? You really think Snoop Doggy Dog might be the next Secretary of State? You think when you next see an Obama Presidential motorcade there's gunna be a drive by shooting? Really??

Well, you just listen to old Uncle Cris on this one my frightened little friend. You know how Clarence said in "It's a Wonderful Life" that every time you hear a bell, another angel gets his wings? I am almost just as certain that every time you say "If Obama gets elected the blacks are going to take over" three more people will decide to vote against McCain just to prove to you that there is nothing to fear. Besides, I have been to Washington. I have stood outside the fence surrounding the Whitehouse. Bubba, that place is ALREADY full of black people! And really are black people any worse than what's been in control for the past eight years? You know I am talking about the low life, scum sucking dredge of life... Texans. And we all know they cheat at football to get to be ranked #1. The bastards.

So I know you are scared. There is the name, there is the skin color and the only competition is some crazy white guy that can't keep his hands off the little boys. Yes, John McCain is the final result of decades of plastic surgery and is in truth... Michael Jackson! And if you elect him, we will have white, black people running the country and moonwalking our ass into a nuclear war!!

Home Sweet Home!

I got in last night. I was so exhausted I sat with the family for a bit then staggered off to bed and fell into a deep and restful sleep. Today I went in early to have Mrs. Cris's car repaired (couldn't fix it) and make a conference call at the office (State Funder lost the Host codes that connect the call) then we loaded up the car and headed back towards Wichita to reunite my parents.

I saw the big white Lincoln pull into the Conoco Travel Plaza where we were to meet, but it passed us and drove around back. I figured maybe there were two giant gas guzzlers out there on I-35. Turns out Dad had taken the time to be polite. His IV antibiotics have been making him sick and he wanted time to empty out his puke cup and rinse away the smell before reuniting with his bride. Yeah, I thought it was pretty freakin romantic too.

Back on the home front, I am not sure I can even make this post. My internet connection is so awful at night I can't seem to accomplish anything. I am considering having all service removed and not having home internet. If all it will do is piss me off, I can do without it.

But man that high speed Wi-Fi at the hospital was really cool... except they blocked you from any website that allowed gambling or porn. SO I didn't actually enjoy my stay. If Satellite was no so damn expensive, I would really consider getting that, but it is nearly $60 a month! Oh well, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. We now have two desk tops, and two lap tops and absolutely no porn because the damn thing is slower than a 56K modem!

Dad Gets Pneumonia: Cris Posts Lazy Hospital Blog

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

A Lone Voice of Reason

So I go to bed hearing of the economic collapse. It has been expected by anybody that has been paying attention to anything. In fact, the lady that lives across the street from me has started selling for Edward Jones. She pops by or calls all the time with these investment ideas. I enjoy her company and think she would do a good job for investments, but as I kept telling her, the markets would crash around the end of the year. My only concern was if they would continue to be artificially sustained by the current administration.

Oh I know you are going to get all pissy and say this can't be blamed on Bush. And I wont argue that fact. Mainly because I have no idea who calls the punches anymore. See the problem is Bush runs Government like the farmer who puts a fox in charge of the hen house. Bush is not the Fox. Bush is just a piss poor chicken farmer. Bush, even now, will claim that nobody could foresee all the chickens would end up dead and missing and nobody should blame the Fox that was in charge.

So you put guys like Mike Brown in charge of FEMA. You fire all the Generals who say Iraq invasion is wrong and it will take way more troops and way more money that projected. You replace the competent people who tell you the truth you don't want to hear with the incompetent people and watch a system fall apart.

Now you have investment speculators in charge of the economy. They rig loans that fall out of the formula that protects the borrower and the lender and call it "Sub-Prime." They saturate the market with low interest loans, with little or no money down, for amounts way beyond a borrowers reasonable ability to pay-off. The result is a butt load of default. Then the foreclosures built in numbers and the banks are now threatened. In the meantime, you have corporations run by the all hat and no cattle set of CEO. They have a goal to create a golden parachutes.

So this set of stellar geniuses are the ones setting the agenda of getting out of the over financed, under secured cluster fuck of an economy THEY Created. And how do they propose to solve the crisis? 1. Let them borrow more money (free- no interest) from the tax paying government to keep doing business as usual 2. In a time where the main problem as been identified as easy credit, let's CUT interest rates!

While the mainstream media seems to embrace this idea (any chance it's because corporations Disney (owns ABC) and GE (owns NBC) are companies that need bail outs?) There is one single voice of reason that I have found in the media. If you watch the video, pay attention to how the news guy tries to argue with Mr. Rogers.

LINKS

OK first of all there has long been a fear of waking up in a motel room in a bathtub of ice to fnd your kidneys have been removed. But now, thanks to medical science I have a new fear!

You know how EVERY election we hear that THIS is the most important election in our lifetimes? Well, guess what is supposed to happen at the end of this next term?

Wanna Read SomethingSadly Funny?

You ever hear of having more than you can keep track of? You know, more kids, more accounts, more debt? Seems the beloved misleader of this country did the same.

Another shining example of why you can't have a fox in charge of the henhouse. Why energy companies can't set up the nationa's energy policies (still undisclosed Government meetings paid for by taxes and subject to open meetings rule) Why the guys who set up the savings and loan debacle of the 80s can't be in charge of financing. Why the people who make bombs shouldn't be in charge of deciding if we go to war.

The Economic Crisis Explained

WTF?!!

So we JUST passed a $700 billion bail-out program that none of the American voters wanted to compensate for banks making risky loans and allowing speculators to play with borrowed money. And how does the Federal Securities Exchange deal with the situation to safeguard the American economy...?

They worked a deal to cut interest rates WORLDWIDE!

Rather than tightening lending practices they just made it cheaper to speculate with YOUR life's savings.

Tell me why this is not absoFREAKINlutely insane!!

The World Changed

OK I really want to do an I told you so post. I mean I REALLY want to point out a few things everybody should have seen, what half a nation has been pissed off about for the past 12 years and what the other half of the nation has cavalierly disregarded to the point of total economic ruin.

First of all, if you ever voted for G.W. Bush you need to shut the fuck up. Period. Everybody with a freaking brain and a basic sense of responsibility saw the policies of this group would ruin a nation. Shut the fuck up about finger pointing. Your whiny ass "me me me" attitude has not only ruined a nation but has actually ruined a shot of what you call Democracy.

OK that seems strong and opinionated and without basis, right? But your Government (I never voted for nor endorsed this group. I even refuse to refer to Dubya as my President because it was obvious he was wrong) The corporate favoritism and cronyism of this administration led to ultimate power which led to ultimate corruption fueled by ultimate greed. Corporate elite stood out with their hands out like a bucket brigade at a huge fire. (Hey I enjoyed trying to make a metaphor so much, I think I'll show off with the next sentence) The fear mongers and Bushites were burning all their bridges as they "bailed out" all the cash they could, to feather their own nest. (wiggeling eyebrows with a self-satisfied smirk)

So our two party system has just failed. WHAT?!! You heard... read me! You just ruined our two party system! See, the Conservative Republicans have the view that on the extream says you must have a totally free market system in order to have real freedom. The Liberal Democrats believe you have to have Government Regulations to ensure a fair distribution of wealth and encourage prosperity. Only the Republicans took over the Government and created extrema right wing policy... and the system just failed! Miserably! By the right wing people running the show!

The Washington Times reports this morning that with the Government stepping into the banking business there will be world wide life changes in both the financial sector and the social sectors. Does this imply we could be headed back to a Feudal type Government? Free markets will no longer control the money supply as now the Government is in charge. This change has happened not just in America but across Europe as the controller of the World's purse strings has been placed in the hands of a select few, due to mismanagement. Yeah, mismanagement of the guy YOU elected.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy capsulized the trend in Europe last week when he declared that the world has seen the end of free-market economies that dominated in the last century.

"Laissez faire, it's finished. The all-powerful market that is always right, it's finished," he said. We would, he added, need "to rebuild the entire global financial and monetary system from the bottom up, the way it was done at Bretton Woods after World War II."

I want to be perfectly clear on this matter. I don't know what the hell that means. I don't know what the hell the future will hold. I do know in 1980 when the economy was out of control Ronald Reagan said the answer was to stop spending and start saving. He created IRAs and other self-funded retirement savings programs. Encouraging saving rather than spending strengthened the dollar. Yet today's Right Wing Conservative is anything but conservative (other than wanting life like it was on TV shows in the 1950s, unrealistic and unattainable) so there is no savings. In fact, today's average Right Wing Conservative voter spends every dollar he/she makes then borrows more and spends that as well, with the hopes there will be enough money in the future. So the end result is the welfare abusers were never the problem. It was the working class Republicans who blindly followed the pied piper of pseudo conservatism happily jumped on the band wagon of the current (mis)leaders voted out nation and our way of life into total ruin. You voted away the American way of life.

Jim Dorn of Cato Journal says, "The danger is that U.S. sovereign debt itself will be downgraded, not by official rating agencies but by global capital markets. It seems highly likely that the bailout will mean higher interest rates and lower asset prices, and do nothing to increase domestic saving" needed to restore health and balance to the economy.

Chances are the above quote doesn't bother you. Chances are you never even read this far. Chances are you don't even think this is a big deal and Sara Palin will save the day because she's a Maverick and a MILF. Just like you thought Bush would restore honor to America because some church guy thought blow jobs by young interns were a bad thing. But there has always been half the nation that screamed from the highest mountain top that your vote would ruin us all. It did. Take responsibility for being a dumbass, learn from your mistake and while your at it... you might as well admit I TOLD YOU SO!

DEBATE #2

OK I really don't freakin care anymore. Just end this torture and put us out of our misery. Sheesh!

SO I call Lil Cristina and she says she is buying snacks for the debate she will watch over at Grandma's house. HOLY CRAP!! HOW COULD I FORGET?!! (chest tubes, epidurals, more broken ribs than the doctors wanted to count, punctured lungs, seeing my Dad hurt, sleepless nights, back killing me due to improper family beds, delirium, and a property sale that nearly went south because an Abstracter forgot to include the deed that showed WE had ownership of the property they did NOT forget to bill me for, etc) So I rush to the TV and turn it on as Dad woke up from the oral narcotics.

We were all excited as we found 2 stations that were in sync and ran both hospital TVs and cranked up both hand held speakers. Tom Brokaw looked good the picture was strong and the first question was fired out and.... the tech guy came into take Dad's vitals.

"Ohhh I will be sick all night now that I have seen this!" He starts his patter as both Dad and I try to craine our necks and look around the intruder. "I tell you what my friends. If you want to know trouble, you will know it if THAT guy gets elected."

Don't say it! Don't ask which one! I screamed at myself.

"Who? You mean Obama?" asked my dad.

DOOMED! We are DOOMED to ever watch a damn debate in peace! So they hook up a new breathing treatment and run machines to check his vitals so they will be recorded by computers (why do these guys need to be certified?) and Dad's pain meds slowly kick in as pulse checker drones on and on about the economy and how he only invests in gas, guns, gold and eh... there was a fourth one but I really was trying to ignore him. Oh yeah, he had just bought a new brace of "Colts."

So Dad was warming up to him like Denny Crane in a drunken stupor warms to the NRA. A full blown redneck game was narrowly avoided by us yelling out THANK YOU several times with the hint he should leave. But then I look over at Dad and the Oxycontin and Percocet have done their damnedest as his eyes were hooded and glassy.

We hear McCain start saying how the inexperienced Obama was responsible for every malady we have faced as a nation in the past 20 years, which seemed odd that he could be inexperienced AND responsible for so much. I was even about to bring up this illuminated tidbit when Dad blew up.

"What the hell is this shit? Hell I think we're watching a Goddamn rerun! I have heard all of this before."

About this time McCain talks about Putin and Dad growls out, "Yeah he spells it KGB, I heard it all before." And Dad, the ultimate Republican turned off his speaker in disgust as I heard McCain says, "He spells it K-G-B"

Holy craps guys! I think my Dad might be psychic when on drugs!!

Horrible Impact of Economic DIsaster

Hooter Technology

Gay Mariage

OK I have thought about this for a long time. I have this friend who thinks being gay is a choice and all it takes is self control. He knows this because that is what his church=like literature tells him. See, if you didn't realize it, God made man beautiful and temps other men with delectable man ass. Yes man as, always so close and offering the promises and acceptance in ways that can not be spoken.

Man ass the irresistible siren call to all men. The Holy Grail, the pinnacle of all things sexual, yeah Man Ass is fashizzle!

Except for the simple problem that most men are not only not attracted to another man's ass, they in fact revolted at the thought. Not in a judgementy, preachy way, just a simple, "You don't turn me on" kind of way. Which seems almost more cruel than condemnation. Regardless, about 90% of men are not turned on by plumber's butt.

So if seeing men all around me and not feeling the urge to go all gay on my nearest neighbor, what the fuck is the problem?

Ohhhhhhhh some people can be too gay to be around your little children! I get it! You are not secure in your child's sexuality and assume he/she he-she will go all flaming fag on you and make you embarrassed at the club! You are assuming your genetic progeny leans towards the lads!

Nope gay is not contagious. Yet America is the land of the free to all but the rump ranger set. As a nation we have cast our moral judgement on 10% of the general population. A group that can't contain their desire for same sex. The argument gets even more ludicrous in the explanation, "If God had wanted gay marriage he would have given us Adam and Steve."

Yeah America says Gay marriage is wrong because Gos says marriage should only be between a man and a woman.

But if the argument is a religious argument, then why not leave the decision to the churches? You know, keep the state out of church business. Presbyterian Churches recognize gay couples. Why is America not pissed off gay people CAN'T be married?

Just a thought

Hard to be Creative

You would think in a state like Kansas, where the only thing that counts is creationism, it would be a lot easier to be creative. Well, you would be wrong. We had a rough day today that ended with the painful insertion of a chest tube.

Why in the hell would a doctor decide to surgically ram a freakin garden hose into the broken ribs of my father and call is something an non-invasive sounding as a "tube," is beyond me! Holy fuck! These doctors come to me and say they want to insert a tube that will help him breathe, so I say, "Sure, a little tube sounds like it might really help. Let's stick that fucking tube in there, and why the fuck did you wait three days to suggest it?"

Well, maybe it might help... but the surgeon comes in the room and starts off with, "You know this is really going to hurt, right? I mean, we will give you an anesthetic and all, but this is REALLY going to hurt."

The Surgical RN piped in and told me they would give my dad something to try to help him forget how fucking bad it hurt to ram a freakin damn garden hose into his broken ribs and coil it up BEHIND his lung inside his busted chest. I know there is this old true-ism that "Hindsight is always 20/20," but I REALLY wish I had asked if they would make him forget who authorized that damn garden hose he has coiled all over his body and plugging into a sump pump at the foot of the bed. Yeah, I REALLY wish I had asked that question.

It's been a long day and I wasn't even going to post. I thought, Who would want to hear about this ordeal? It was a day where we felt like we took a step forward and got pulled two steps back. The surgeons basically said the chest tube will need to be in for about 4 days. That shoots the hell out of our plans on leaving by Monday and will probably move us back towards the end of next week.

Right now I serve as a errand boy, fetching Dad's pee jar, handing him ice water and making sure that garden hose that mysteriously appeared sticking out of his busted up ribs (It my new story... shut the fuck up) ...anyway I need to make sure it is coiled up on the foot of his bed so the sump pump works. All tasks I am qualified to perform. Yet in spite of my shouldering the awesome responsibility of watching a garden hose slowly fall off the side of a bed.. a quiet nagging voice is whispering the truth I don't want to face.

I only have clean clothes for 4 days.

?!!

Outta ICU

So in the 9 hours that I was ejected from ICU the surgeons came in and inserted an epidural pain med pump in my Dad. The localized narcotic will manage the pain better so that he can move, take deep breaths and avoid pneumonia. The unfortunate side effect is the medicine causes uncontrollable itching.

Can you imagine being right handed and having the entire right half of your body broken and shattered and all you can think about is how bad you itch? We finally got moved out of ICU about 6:00 p.m. We thought we had a room all to ourselves, but while I was in a shower without towels, the room filled with some moto cross dude and his entourage, Yeah, dripping wet and naked and trapped in a shower I didn't belong in... AWKWARD!!

Oh yeah I wanted to post earlier but then I got to thinking about the huge pink hooter tag on the sidebar and decided it might not be cool in a crowded hospital. Not everybody understands efforts to help the pain and suffering of boobs.

Papa Cris Update

"There never was a horse that couldn't be rode, and there never was a cowboy that couldn't be throwed." That's an old Wild West idiom I grew up hearing on television Westerns of the 60s and 70. Turns out it is true.

At the tender age of 67 my father decided to become a bronk busting horse trainer. Last spring he tore up his groin muscles. This week he shattered his rib cage, broke his clavicle and has a tear in his liver. Every breath is a painful ordeal and he is on more drugs than Lindsey Lohan.

We hope they will release him from ICU tomorrow. Tonight I am trying to find rest in a straight back chair. But we did see the VP debates. I just couldn't tell you who won. Sarah was more prepared than I expected but every time Biden talked some woman would come in the room and start telling me how Palin was kicking his butt, he had stabbed Obama in the back, Obama was on the take... whatever.

So how was it? Who won?

Opprobrious Sales Pitch

So a couple of months ago the idea of a terrible T-shirt shop kind of tickled me. Granted I really thought the concept of people wearing my "Ball-Licking Man" T-shirts was funny. The idea that people believe the real missing link in the fossil record is a hominid with an elongated trunk that is able to lick his own genitalia, like other mammals such as cats and dogs, appealed to me.

Even funnier was my proudly showing off the T-shirts to my kids and proclaiming we could all wear them to the first high school football game. My daughter screeched saying all the boys would think she was a sexual freak that was into licking balls. I, of course, looked at her blankly and asked why they would think that, since the shirts are all about proof of evolution.

My son was even more adamant about the shirt. If his sister didn't want the school thinking she had "Ball-Licking Man Fever," my 8th grade son REALLY didn't want that reputation. The concept was great fun in the house, then like all jokes it died a welcome death.

Last night as I created my "Save the Hooters" T-Shirt, I once again asked the kids if they would like to order a shirt of their own. They could be activist. It was like community service and I was pretty sure it could be placed on college applications. Then an odd thing happened. My son looked closely at the shirts and said he was not interested in the hooters or the va-jay-jay shirts, but he felt his best buddy would think a "Ball-Licking Man" T-shirt "...would be awesome!"

So dear readers, with Christmas time just a couple of months away, now is the time to think of the guys you love. Sure you COULD get them something empty and meaningless like a Wii, a plasma screen TV, an iPhone or a pair of socks. All meaningless in their ambiguity. OR you could get them a gift that shows they care more about things other than high scores on Halo or Crack Ho's on SIMs Inner City. You can get them an Opprobrious T-Shirt that says I am a part the entire world and not just the world within my head.

And really, isn't that the kind of guy you always wanted him to be? Help him show he is involved, caring and alert to the needs of you and all your friends. Because he will never get there on his own, if you din't give him a little nudge from time to time.

Family Problems

SO I got a call a few minutes ago. My father was in an accident and hurt pretty badly. He has at least 5 broken ribs and a punctured lung. The local rural hospital is not equipped to deal with his injuries so they are medi-flighting him to Wichita. My Mother in law is not in good health, so in the morning, Mrs. Cris will drive out by the Panhandle and bring my MIL here to stay with us. I will either leave in the morning or sometime tonight... depending on what I am compelled to do. Logic says wait til morning.

I will miss a few more days posting. But last night I wrote a post ahead. I hope it helps fill in the gaps.

Little Crissy (like Grandpa Cris) had a bad day today. She semi-wrecked her car. Only real damage was to a tire but it scared her. On the other hand I had a real good day. Everything seemed to work out beautifully for me all day. It was a good day, even little Crissy's wreck was good for me. It teaches her to be more cautious with a minimum of damage.

I hope my luck holds for old PeePaw.

Dominating the Internet

I want to manipulate the internet, and I need your help. My old blog, Y2K Survivor, used the be the first thing that popped up when you Googled the name. But Opprobrious isn't. I need to know how to manipulate Google, so that when you enter Opprobrious into the search engine, my blog pops up first and frequent.

I know it's possible, because when I want to search for stuff, some marketing company has flooded the search engine with crap I don't want and hides all the good stuff. And THAT'S what I want to do! I want to hide all of the good quality things that are Opprobrious and direct more people to my blog.

Imagine how many millions of people are out there Googling "Opprobrious" right now. They need to be sent to me! They should all be mine! I will rule the Opprobrious world and they shall be my Opprobrious minions that bow at my feet and worship me.

OR... maybe more han just my Mom will read my blog.

Right Mom? ....Mom...? ...Mommy? .... Crap!

OK maybe more than just me will read this blog. sheeesh