So I have long held a certain fascination for the average Indiana Jones Archeologist. In fact, I would venture to say they are our true scientist, willing to go out on a limb and risk it all to prove a hypothesis. When they finally hit pay dirt and discover long lost ruins... or graves hidden from grave diggers like themselves... everything gets sent to a museum and the scientist gets screwed.
It is for this reason that I, Y2K Survivor, ardent adventurer and man of action, will embark on an archeological dig to find the missing link. You see, I have a theory based on the primative works of Darwin and expounded upon by Carlin. Yes, the late George Carlin who once observed his dog licking his balls and remarked, "If I had that ability I would never leave the house!"
This observation by Carlin brings to light that the majority of mammals have long truncated bodies that are tapering, while humans have short truncated bodies with thicker middles.... or at least I do. Nearly every mammal on earth can do the deed Carlin described in his stand-up act, yet man has been denied this ability in spite of generations of attempts. It is my belief that man kind once had this longer, curved spine that allowed for easy access to ball licking, but in a few short eons of natural selective "why bother to breed when I can do this" the genetic marker died out of the human race. Once found, I have determined to name my find: HOMO Disgustingus
Therefore, I have assembled my team of rag tag thrill seekers, Y2Kette and Jr. Together, "Team Survivor" will face unknown perils, danger, intrigue and yes, maybe even blisters. After much deliberation and study of the globe I have determined the great dig should be in my back yard. It's not that I think we are any more likely to find the missing link here as other places, it's just that school starts back on Thursday and I don't need permission to dig at my own house.
DAY ONE: Identifying the Dig
Initiation was brutal as Team Survivor was not as enthusiastic about the adventure as I expected. After a few well placed screams, demands and possibly a crying jag, the team was on board and eager to regain their cell phones and Playstation games. Y2Kette manned the string and wooden stakes, so we can plot our dig location. Luckily the advent of GPS has made this task much easier for future generations so that the reliability and validity of archeological digs can be maintained. Unfortunately, we don't have a GPS so Jr drew a small map that looked a little bit like Oklahoma and placed an X in the middle. True, Okmulgee is not in the middle of the state, but school starts back on Thursday so time is of vital importance!
In just a few short days we will attempt to find the missing link that has eluded such noted Scientists like the Leachy's and Johansen in the barren wilds of Africa. The odds seem great, but our exacting attention to detail is what I pray will lead to our success.
Basic Dig spotting 101 says look for a mound. But our back pasture is nearly 5 acres and has been terraced. Whatever mounds that may have existed have been bulldozed out decades ago. This was going to take a different approach. Dr. Craig Venter, the dude who broke the genetic code of DNA sequences used a method he called "Shotgun Sequencing." I don't really know what this means, but I wanted to point out I read National Geographic when I am waiting at my Doctor's office. I am guessing a shotgun makes a large pattern and covers more area, so this is the strategy I proposed!
After covering most of the back pasture with a large square of string I instructed Team Survivor to begin digging. "Are you freakin Crazy?!" was the general response. All progress ground to a halt until after a few more threats and a lot of bickering, it was determined we were only looking for one dead body. Dead bodies fit in a grave, so the dig shouldn't have to be any bigger than about 3 feet wide by 6 feet long. The argument seemed founded on solid reasoning, and that is the essence of Science. I applaud Team Survivor for standing up for more efficient methods that will save time in this critical juncture.
Oddly, Y2Kette walked away shaking her head and laughing to herself. She has had this superior attitude ever since completing her statistics course over the summer. It is my personal hope that a few days of honest hard work with a real team of dedicated Scientist Adventurers will bring her back to reality. Thus I tossed the post hole diggers to Jr and told him to start collecting core samples while Y2Kette and I made base camp. Soon Y2Kette had a nice lawn chair brought out under a parasol, so I could plot our next move as the labor part of Team Survivor did the actual digging.
By the end of the day I can't help but feel we are behind schedule. At one point I felt something hit my leg and saw my team members looking at me angrily. It was then that I realized they only had the post hole diggers I had given Jr a couple of hours earlier. I told them they need to do a better job of thinking ahead and since they must be so tired they can't think clearly, I gave them each a 10:00 p.m. bedtime for the remainder of summer. Yes there was a bit of grumbling and I am sure the Leachey's endured the same kind of discourse from the natives in Tanzania. After a few threats to up the bedtime to 9:00 p.m. the Team regained focus and got pick axes and shovels. Unfortunately, we lost the last of the day light and had to stop for the night.
7 months ago