Sunday, January 11, 2009

Goodbye Cruel World

So I have this buddy and he has been watching all those documentaries on the end of the world. You know the ones, there are the Nostradamus Prophesies, and of course the Mayan Doomsday Calendar. Modern day mathematicians have concluded the Mayans studied the stars and were able to predict great events in the course of history. The thing about their calendar is, it has an end date. December 21, 2012. Modern day goobers now think Nostradamus also predicted the end of the Earth in around that same time frame. Well, at least the modern day goobers interviewed for that stupid documentary.

If this freaks you out and you have to stay up to date on it all, please go here, as there is now an electronic countdown for the Mayan Doomsday prediction, sponsored by a swim suit company. Yeah, you can't make that shit up, so go check it out.

So what to do in the days where the economy is falling apart, you have lost faith in your government, you doubt your religion and China (land of the Mongols) seems to be buying our nation right out from under us? MY friend is a bit freaked out. He will lose sleep over this and obsess over it and tell the tales to all who will listen about the impending doom that is about to befall us all. Privately, the two of us agreed if the end were really near, we either needed to decide to get more religion or more sex in our lives. ... but not with each other. HONEST!

Now, after much introspection I have created a newer, better master plan. A plan that provides insurance, care and stability to all, should there ever be an unfortunate occurrence of the foretold "end of every-fucking-thing" event. My plan will provide peace and fulfillment to all, as you sit along happy little babbling brooks in lush green fields, surrounded by those that you love, or that you always wanted to love. I can provide a climate controlled utopia that will be sustained until the third of fourth coming. Your fears shall be washed away from your troubled mind as like soil from your body.

All you have to do is start your weekly payment plan to "Cris's Opprobrious Plan for My Future" at, and soon, you too, will feel that relaxed calm that only comes from thinking about Doomsday and talking to Cris.

No comments: