Sunday, January 25, 2009

How I Saved Our Nation. Singlehandedly

Me: (Answering cell phone) Hello, this is Cris.

OBL: (Screaming) I will rein down death upon you and all your children for 10,000 years! I will dance upon the desecrated graves of your children. You shall pay for the...

Me: ...uh hello? Is this a recording? If this is a fucking recording I am hanging up. I don't talk to freakin machines dude.

OBL" Wait! Don't hang up! I am not a machine. I have called to warn you and your nation that you will suffer the fate of all infidels. Allah will smite you with his mighty hand as...

Me: Are you a telemarketer? I don't take solicitations over the phone. By law you have to take me off of your calling list if I request it.

OBL: I am not a telemarketer you Imperialist asshole! I am the thing you fear when you fall asleep at night. I am the face you see when you wake up screaming. I am terror and I am unstoppable.

Me: (shouting to wife in another room) Honey... I think it's your mother on the phone!

OBL: I am no woman, you cowardly swine! I am the world's greatest terrorist. I am Ossama Bin ... eh... Smeeeth.

Me: Did you say Smith? Still sounds like a telemarketer to me.

OBL: No! Don't hang up! I am not a telemarketer.

Me: Then what do you want dude? I might have free incoming calls on this cell phone, but I am in a fight to the death over the Okie Blogger Awards. I don't have time to waste on meaningless crap.

OBL: Okie BLogger Awards..? Doesn't Redneck Dive win those every year?

Me: She has til this year but I'm going to... How the hell would YOU know about the Redneck Diva?

OBL: Look when you are holed up in a freakin cave, hooked to a dialysis machine and surrounded by 5,000 fanatics that smell of Camel dung and hummus... You end up knowing all of the funny blogs.

Me: Oh yeah..? So you probably read Opprobrious too?

OBL: Fool! I have no idea what that means! The only thing Opprobrious around here is YOU!

Me: Yeah, figures you never heard of it. Hey what did you call for anyway?

OBL: I wish to target America's most beloved treasure. What is it all Americans love the most? Tell me and I will not stop until it is no more than a smoldering hole in the ground, devoid of all humanity.

Me: uh... the first thing that comes to mind is Bill O'Rielly and Fox News. I believe all Americans love them the most.

OBL: Then prepare to lose all that you hold dear! (Maniacal laughter was the phone goes dead)

Mrs. Cris: Hey I thought you said that phone call was for me.

Me: (unconcerned) Yeah she hung up. I think she had a cold though.. her voice sounded higher.

3 comments:

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO!!! Oh you just might the redneck diva with this post!!!

♥georgie♥ said...

take...geesh my typist called in sick so now i am left to fend errr type for myself...

Cris said...

Well... the complete and utter destruction of the Redneck Diva should be enough to keep me happy... this year. BAHAHAHA!!!