Saturday, September 13, 2008

Internet Tests

OK So I took this test that asked me what I did in the shower. No! It never asked about THAT! It asked what body part I washed first and how I washed and the end result was it was I was a total loser who has no purpose in life but to annoy others. Now while my wife seemed to be in total agreement, it kind of bothered me that I spent all that time filling out their form just to be insulted.

A couple of weeks later I took a test based on the first letter of my name and the results of the shower test were pretty much confirmed, with the suggestion I might have a small penis and will go bald as I grow older. Again my wife seems to think these things are dead on, and begins to search for new tests to see how well they can describe a guy they have never met, never spoken to and never heard about. My daughter seems to find this amusing and I suspect she helps her mother search the Internet.

So I took one the other day where I look at shapes and pick the one I like the most. It told me I was wrong. Then it told me I was horrible in bed, had bad breath and stinky feet.

Again my wife and daughter marvel at how eerily accurate these simple assessments can be since they seem to nail me perfectly every time. Me, I am beginning to lose confidence at work and even stopped the normal romantic endeavors I have developed over the past 25 years... begging, pleading, crying, demanding and finally apologizing. They say that saying you're sorry get easier in time, and it must, since I have to say it before we even go in the bedroom and then say it a bunch afterwords too.

So I took this IQ test last night where I look at squiggly lines and decide what would be next in the pattern. This took longer and the computer finally gave up and stopped loading the pages. I am only assuming it is because I dazzled it with my brilliance. My daughter, who's taking college level Calculus and Physics through the Oklahoma School of Science and Mathematics during her Junior year of high school pointed at me and laughed for the first few pages. Then she seemed to grow confused, then angry before marching off to accuse her mother of infidelity. Oddly, it sounded like that turned into more of a plea, but by this time I was angry at the computer and calling it dirty names. So maybe I didn't hear the conversation clearly.

Now here I sit on a rainy Saturday afternoon. The wife is out, the kids are hanging with friends and I stumble upon a new internet test. This one wants me to to read story lines and decide what I (or the main character) would do next. So my question is, how the hell can I cheat?

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